If you want more than that, you can buy me Starbucks every morning and then I'll give you your 110% buddy.
9.) I shall follow my company's suggestions and will begin to be creative in everything I do. This means that I'll begin taking shits while performing a handstand, I will masturbate with turkey gravy while stroking a rubber chicken and of course, will dismiss the letter z from my vocabulary just becaus eI feel like it. I will also commence using a personal dialect to communicate and will be a strong advocate for louder Klingon sex.
8.) I shall also follow my company's advice and will begin to speak openly about all the things that bother me about anyone. Beginning by anyone's breath, the knowledge that someone is coked up, the fact that I'm bothered by the close proximity of other human beings and the fact that I think some people really need to get laid.
7.) I shall issue an 800 number where advertising people from all departments will be able to order different novelty items for their enjoyment:
Creatives will be able to order account exec punching bags with these amazing features:
Comes with violet or salmon colored power tie
7 action poses to practice defensive maneuvers with
15 inspirational quotes that will guarantee you wanting to rip its head off
- "Please do this little change."
- "The client insists on changing the color of the models socks"
- "The artwork is fine, we just have to change the layout and the copy"
- "I don't care if you're overworked, this needs to come out rush"
- "I need 18 additional alternatives because the client isn't sure"
- "Are you sure boot doesn't have an e at the end?"
- "I just need you to put these 40 mandatories in this 15 spot."
- "Is the artwork ready?"
- "Just give me the layout, I'll do the copy."
- " I understand your situation, but I'm also overworked"
- "Can you have this ready in an hour"
- "How can I say no to the client?"
- "This needs more gravy."
- "I'm going to talk to your supervisor."
- "Have this on my desk ready by tomorrow morning"
Fun for creatives of all ages. Act now before supplies run out.Account Executives will be able to buy creative blow up dolls so they can REALLY keep fucking us.
Dumb ass message t shirts, messy workplace with various psychotic action figures and piles of time sheets.
Choose from male art directors with kung fu grip and wireless mouse or female copywriter with know it all dictionary and ninja dart pencils.
Media people rejoice: you can happy your Media Polly Pockets. Bring the fun of the workplace to home.
These miniature models include barely readable shit PC screen, limited mobility work area and endless open bar coupons.
Traffic department. Don't think you can't find something in 1-800- ADS -SUCK. Just for you we have your personal Traffic demon cleaner action figures. Battle the forces of creative and executives with your Deadline Mallet. Comes with lazy bum creative to saw in half and overstressing account exec custom made to fit in an iron maiden. Have fun today and MAIM somebody.
Hey, it pays to dream... it's shit pay but it's something.
6.) I will record a best of mix of Jack Johnson, Blind Melon, The Beatles, the Beach Boys, Enya, Bob Marley, and Lionel Ritchie so people can finally chill the fuck out.
5.) I will design the anti food theft device. Tired of people stealing your midday snack? No problem. With this new Anthrax frosting, you can assure the next time that gluttonous bastard or bitch decides on scarfing down your food, you will be able to have the last laugh over their dead carcasses.
4.) I will buy an ample array of dildos and pocket pussies so all those pent up people who make your life impossible can rub one off, have a cig and bring some joy to the workplace. The gift that keeps on giving.
3.) Automatic Power Cut at 6:30 PM. People need to be forced to get a life. This will help put things in perspective and priorities in their rightful places.
2.) Once every quarter a huge Royal Rumble will take place between everyone who has an issue. Winners will be given an employee of the quarter award. NO low blows, hair pulling, eye gouging allowed. Sorry cheaters.
1.) I will smile more, work less, play more, stress less, live more, and die less.
To all our readers,
from the whole WAS crew.
Happy New Years.