Can I email you my middle finger?

Every damn week I receive something that angers me more than listening to Celine Dion's greatest hits. Forwards. I fucking hate forwards. This is such a simple form of getting mass amounts of email account names and for some strange reason, no one gets it. Maybe the reason I keep getting my world famous penis enlarger email is because one day, a long time ago, someone included me in their email chain. Even if I'm wrong, I'm accusing a "chain emailer". Screw it. It's their fault.

Let me give you a nice example of waisting time at work and making others suffer from your bad taste. Why don't we list the worst fucking forwards that we have received from that special friend, ever?

The one about...

• forward this piece of shit email and Bill Gates will give you a hundred dollars, a phone, a gift certificate, whatever. Yeah right. They have a email tracking system that will make you a millionare... right up your butt.

• the do it yourself Chinese Horoscope or think of someone and click your way down to get a surprise. This is really a winner, if you are über stupid. You deserve to read this email every single day if you need a damn bullshit game to realize you are maybe with the wrong person, have lame ass friends and have no life as well. You suck. And will proceed to do so, forever.

• the I love you and reply so I know you love me. Can I hit you in the head with my mouse as a sign of affection? Do you really need me to fill up your email with a message that you probably didn't ever write? What happened to buying a round of beers? Even better: what happened to being SOMEONE YOU CAN TALK TO when you need help? Making you laugh? Being there when you cry? When you are lonely? When you are happy? Oh well.

• Virus alert! Do you know me well enough to know that all creatives worth a dime use Mac and that viruses really don't affect us that much? Have you taken the time to see it at my desk? Maybe you didn't see my laptop either. Or maybe you saw it and thought that the funny little thing that lights up is a peach. Plug your Dell where the sun don't shine. That will protect you from viruses, that's for sure.

• Bonsai Kittens. Look ma! I got a test tube cat! I also have an IQ of 40! Let me write my name and send it to hundreds of ball suckers just like me. I can make the world a better place. Duh.

• Be careful of rapists, car thiefs, terrorists or your inlaws. Funny... Isn't the police supposed to give a national warning if there really is a threat? And why I haven't read on ANY newspaper about flashing headlights and getting killed? OOOh. Of course. The government will rely on your email as an excellent source of information. Ok. Good. Make my life more miserable. Now, when I leave the agency at 2am - and you leave your work at five sharp, of course - I have to be scared shitless that some screwball is going to kill me if I open my right window. Thanks!

• Something will happen in a couple of days if you forward this to 20 other losers. If you need to click forward to me and other helpless people to get your life moving, you need medications. Look dude, if you want your life to change, do it, asshole. No email in the world will make you have a better life. My vote? I hope you get crotch itch in three days. Constant Toe Jam in five. Enjoy what life gives you.

• Anything God related. Oh yes, because I really need you to impose your beliefs on me. No, don't worry, I don't have an opinion of my own, nor have I examined the possibility of a higher power. Maybe I worship the devil! Don't worry, just send in your most religious email and maybe I will see the light.

By the way, dumbshit, courtesy of the brilliant higher power himself, Quentin Tarantino: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Bang.

Boicot time!

I'm fed up. That's it. This is the last opportunity. Call up the Old Navy Ad Agency. If I see one more stupid ad from them, I'm not buying a damn thing from that store. Over. Done. Finito. Kaput.

Have you seen those piece of garbage ads at the award ceremony? COME ON! I mean, they started sucking when they came up with the lame ass celebrity ridden ads. But this? Unnaceptable. If people like that can come up with ads so stupid as that, we are all advertising geniuses. Switch last names to whatever you want. Ogilvy. Burnett. Deutsch. Walter Thompson. You are a creative God. May the force be with you.

I hate when bad ads happen. And I'm the first to acknowledge I've done some pretty dumb shit in my time. But the thing is, when I see that my ad is worst than anal leakage (still a funny phrase, right Restrictions?) I try to either switch jobs with someone or I keep at it until I am glad with it. Even if there is almost no time and the ad must go to print, for example, I will try to get help. We are not at our best sometimes... but jeez. Don't let your ads go out there like that.

And another thing? What's up with clients? How the hell do you go to a presentation and give two thumbs up to a lame ass ad about giving awards to people wearing jeans? What is wrong with you? There are HUNDRED of cool ads about clothes out there. Even the funky but not so creative Gap ads are way better. I'm not asking for a clio, dammit. Just a cool ad that makes me want to go to your store!


Wanna see more ads that inspire loose bowel movements? Go to commercialsihate.com Tell me that you didn't laugh at the Finishing Touch Hair Remover Post. Hillarious. Click your way there and enjoy. Just wear a diaper.

Who moved the rock?

Ok guys. Here's another small blog to help you vent a little. This time, we're talking confession. We want you to pinpoint the fucker that makes your life miserable on a day to day basis at your agency. You know the one. All agencies have one. Or two. Or three. May God help you if you have more at yours.

It's the dude you see at tehe coffee machine and makes you want to gag. The dudette that walks up to you and makes you throw up a little in your mouth before she even speaks. They can do anything to make your life miserable. Go ahead, write it out. This is a Zen moment. Just breathe in deeply. Now, write.

End Procrastination Now...

I wrote my Bullshit post and I was just about to leave and go to sleep when I glanced upon our little Google ads and was reminded of something important: procrastination, and the fuckers who can't seem to end doing it. Specifically, the ones that just loooooooove to leave their desks full of overdue jobs and proceed to ram them up your butt once in a while so you can save their asses.

Ah. Revenge is a dish best served cold. right Sci-Fi geeks? Then get that Ice Maker, 'cause this one is being plated right now. Pass the garnish.

Look at your desk right now. Do you have two or more jobs that are way overdue? Damn man. Shame. If the reason is because you are overworked and you have no one else to help, man, I'm sorry. Get help. Move deadlines. Scream that you need more people.

But. If you have a team of people and you still leave your jobs to die from dust and termites - YOU BLOW. Harder than Debbie in any state besides Dallas. What is it? Do you need more time to scratch that left buttock? Do you have to schedule work between coffee, magazine reading and random internet surfing? OOOOh. Wait, wait. You don't have to worry because you have others that can do your work. Delegate, right? Asshole! Do the work yourself, just ask for help when you are too overworked.

I've seen lots of dickwads leave their jobs unattended for days and weeks. And then, when the clock is nearing the deadline, they scream REM's It's the end of the world as we know it, and all of us have to run and pick up the shit they left behind. Not paying attention to deadlines is the worst thing a creative can do, and most importantly because once in a while AE's give reasonable due dates to begin with.

By screwing around with those deadlines, procrastinators only make our life miserable. Why? Ask any AE you know. They usually whine (and sometimes they are right) that because we take so much time to do a shit job, they sometimes have to make the deadlines even more tight so we don't fuck around and make them look bad. But, if we have a low life ball sucker who fucks up the system while we are still trying to do our job well, we're screwed.

Look dude, the due date was written there for a reason, and it sure isn't for you to poop on. Buy a calendar. A palm pilot. Something. Write down all the shit you do in a day and plan it. Just do your job and stop passing it around, ok? If not... Can we just pass you around - to another agency?

And speaking of Bullshit...

I just love it. Love, love, love it. If it was up to me, I would be stuck there watching all damn day. Um. Wait. I'm not talking about talking bullshit. I mean the program. Penn and Teller's Bullshit on Showtime.

This might be the best program, ever. Don't know about the show? Come on, don't use Showtime only to watch soft porn at night! Ok. Let me explain. Basically, Bullshit is a little program dedicated to bring down anything that even begins to smell like, well, the title. And who better to talk about bullshit than Penn and Teller, one of the greatest magicians, ever. Screw Copperfield with his über shitty flying bid and his dissapearing plane trick. Hey, David, can you make my middle finger dissapear as well?

The shows are about anything. Hypnosis. The Fitness Craze. The end of the world. Creationism. Ghostbusters. Circumcision! (must see!!!) They explore theories, beliefs, trends... everything. They give people the opportunity to talk their point, both for and against a theme. For example: They tried to explain talking to the dead. You know, the thing that John Edward does, by picking one family in a room full of people and saying things that they and the dead person can know. Yeah, right. If you ever see what really happens and how this low life piece of shit person finds out all about the person you want to make contact with, you will hate him as much as... advertising? Ha.

And the thing is, they have to swear. Big time. All the words we say and then some. Why? Well, it's not for fun, although you laugh like crazy hearing them talk. Well, at least hearing Penn, 'cause Teller still doesn't say a word. They swear because you can't say liar in TV or you get sued. So, when they have a clip about Mediums connecting to dead grandmas, they scream Bullshit. Brilliant.

Try to watch, if you can. It's kind of difficult, 'cause they air the shows at either 1:30 a.m. or 4:30 a.m.

Well, if you had TiVo, we wouldn't have to talk about having trouble watching it... now do we? Laters...

The Bullshit Artist

It still amazes me when I see a good bullshit artist do his/her thing. I’m talking about the Creative Director or Account Director in action, selling their campaign like it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean, these people, when they’re really good, are masters at bullshitting their way through a presentation. After we criticize and make fun of them and all that, when a good bullshit artist gets the job done, it’s a thing of beauty and admiration.

I’m talking about the people with the guts to sell crappy work in a convincing manner. These people have a way of manipulating the situation to their advantage, often using the right jargon and buzz words at the right time. The outcome? Pure magic.

I bring up this subject because I just saw the latest batch of Geico commercials. How do you even begin to present a concept like that? What do you take to the conference room? How do you gather up the courage to tell an extremely right-wing/conservative/old-fashioned client that his commercial will feature a dancing gecko and not mention any products benefits at all? How do you convince someone like this to do something like that?

Then I got to thinking of all the other weird commercials out there and what their presentation process must have been like? Imagine telling the Quizno’s clients what a Sponge Monkey is (refer to a few posts below). I also saw a Honda Diesel commercial that featured a flying car engine cruising through a trippy, Greatful Dead-esque, fantasyland (in CGI, of course). This ad was so out of this world, I couldn’t help but think how the creative group even presented this.

I also bring up the crappy ideas that get sold with flying colors. Take clients like Sears, JC Penny, Proctor-Gamble, Kimberly-Clark, Gillette, General Motors, Anheiser-Busch, and other stalwarts. These companies have been doing pretty much the same advertising for the past 35 years, yet the presentation process is as fresh and exciting as if they’d just invented the wheel. I’ve been to these meetings, I’ve seen the presentations, and the agency group really does manage to get you excited. Never mind that it’s the same marketing formula/strategy; the agency group has managed to repackage and resell the same crap in a very convincing manner, so much so that the clients congratulate them, celebrates the victory, and signs the multimillion dollar deal.

I join the bloggers here at WAS in our collective AE bashing and industry loathing, but man, every now and then these people actually do their job and sell what’s already been sold. They actually show what separates a true AE from a glorified bike messenger. The bullshit artist does rise to the occasion. Kudos!

Single White Agency Looking...

Hey sister. I got fired from my job for - insert excuse here -. Do you know any ad agency looking for someone like me? Hm. Difficult question, my friend.

Over the years, this particular question or request has bothered me. I have learned that for you to recommend people for a job, you gotta be pretty sure about it. Because, it can back fire on you worse than a suppository going in an unwilling butt. Case in point: a couple of years ago I met a young copywriter. She was kind of weird, but I knew she had much to offer if she made an effort. I tried to coach her along the way when I worked with her (if you can believe I was once a Creative Director for a small agency). And I knew, well, I thought that her job skills were directly affected by the crappy agency we worked on. I thought, hey, if she moves to another agency, maybe she will be happy enough and work at her best.

So, when she got fired for budget reasons, I recommended her to another agency. What a huge mistake was that, jeez. She pissed off coworkers, she was so fucking weird that she made life miserable for all things near her cubicle. I tried to tell her, dudette, do your best, come on. I've seen it. Focus and get those great ads out there. Get to know the people around you. Mingle. Talk. Whatever! You might learn a lot from them and from the daily routine.

Nothing worked. When she got fired, this time for lacking professionality (is that a term?), I was glad. Not because she got fired. Because she made me look like a damn idiot. She let herself down and me as well. Why is it we give chances to people that really don't give a rat's ass about the huge opportunity they get?

I promised myself after that debacle I would NEVER recommend anyone again. Not ever. Months came by and one cool guy asked me if I knew a great copy for an ad agency. And this time, I broke my promise. Why? Because this time, I felt deep in my gut I was not hoping this copy would do a great job. I knew it. Deep in my heart, I knew this person was talented like hell, and not only that, he proved it by slaving away in a job that sucked hairy balls. The fact that his job sucked had nothing to do with him wanting to do always his best. That, my friend, is a true professional.

It gives me great pleasure to annouce that this time, this awesome copy proved me right. They loved him. I hope that he gets the job and goes on to be happier and wealthier. 'Cause when you get to help both a truly talented person and think that that particular agency would get something awesome in return, well, that makes me happy. Hey, all ad agencies suck. But that is just a stepping stone to a better life. And that's all that counts.

So, when you are asked if you know someone for a job... be very careful. Trust only what you see and feel, not what you hope they can do. Hoping and knowing are two different words for a reason.

Like Bogart said: Here's looking at you, kid.

Ok buddy.. It's gonna be ok... now just step away from the FUCKING CELLPHONE

Quoting another anonymous:

"How about a post about the annoying co-worker who sits right behind you and spends all day talking loudly on the phone about real estate transactions, concert tickets, everything except his job. Did I mention he has a voice like a bullhorn? And I'm trying to write some frigging copy? Shut up asshole, shut the fuck up!"

I've been meaning to write a Blog about said situation for a while now and this request plus what I've lived recently is more than enough incentive to bring this topic up.

Why do some people insist that they are fucking Ari from Entourage. Screw you and your blue tooth. I hope you get a mobile cavity that I might be able to drill with any power tool of my choosing. I'm trying to write a copy for a sucky account that inspires less than toe jam and there it goes again... riiiing... riiiiiinggg.... fucking riiiiiinggg. 15th call for the day and said employee insists on bitching that it isn't fair when we have to get out of work late. Uhh... riiing.... McFly ... hello McFly... reality is calling and the message states that you deserve getting out late, a pay cut and a pulmonary bypass entering through your rectum. Fun part is all the people that get affected. Ah yes the beauty of team work in this situation. Team work for said idiot consists in getting his ass saved on a constant basis while still having time to tend to 30+ phone calls a day.

I'm not saying it's wrong that you use your phone at work. I'm not even suggesting that you put the phone on silence or vibrate but there comes a time where overkill is a word that pretty much slams to mind. How indispensable are you to anyone that you need to take that many calls in a day? So you have a bunch of friends. Great, now finish your fucking job that is overdue by about 5 days.

Wait a minute... can you hear me now? GOOD!!! YOU SUCK!!!!! And then the fucking ring tones some people have. Thank god we don't have to worry about those obnoxious oldschool ringtones that easily let you know that you have a call. No, now I have the joy of listening to Biggy jamming, metallica blasting or what's that? Chicken's clucking? AWESOME.... What the fuck? It's like trying to say, hey look how cool I am that I can download all this music to be mediocrally reproduced on my cell phone . YAYYYYYY.Fucking retard.

Oh and then there's the sheer joy of when they go to a meeting and one of two things happen: Or you stay behind and said ass stain leaves his or her cell phone behind to annoy any and all who may be in its prximity, or they actually TAKE the cell phone to the meeting and walk out if they get a call.

If that isn't enough, then I have to sit by and listen to the variety of topics they talk about.

"What's that? Jenny needs hemmrhoidal cream? but what kind? wait I can't hear you? WHICH ASS CREAM DOES JENNY NEED?"

Fucking wonderful. And the list of topics is quite long. I've heard any or all of these topics on more than one occassion:

1.) The ok we'll sneak to the motel after work but I have to tell my wife/husband that I'm going to a promotion call. It's wonderful to know that you have no scruples or conscience I hope the person lays a cleveland steamer on your chest.

2.) The god I hate my job conversation that lasts a minimum of 10 minutes. Trust me, I know all about hating a job. That's why I enjoy bloggin so much. But doing it for an extended period of time, where many people know it's you who's talking is just plain dumb.

3.) the supermarket list. Great now I know which toilet paper said person uses so his ass doesn't get irritated. Love the mental pictures.

4.) The job interview... ah yes.. You gotta love someone who has the balls to call from the agency and MANY times from the agency phone to talk about jumping ship. Go team go!

5.) The real estate deal or home improvement phone call. Need to build a wall, fix your lawn, paint your house or organize your bugger collection in chronological order? I can probably ask one of my neighbours for the fucking number of someone who'll do it and for reeealll cheap.

6.) The spousal abuse. Ah yes the beauty of love, when it goes awry and when people insist on having such a conversation at work. Yes I truly needed to know you were angry because Johnny tried stuffing his index up your butt without asking for permission much less, even considering the use of mild lubrication. I also needed to know Jenny is a cunt for having gone down on your 16 year old nephew.

7.) The lets do lunch conversation. Thirty minutes of debating where the fuck to go and eat with said person's partner, friends and or nookie. Bon apetit, I hope you choke on a schlong.

8.) The mmm hmmmm, yes right conversations. One thing is to be brief, another thing is to have me be the victim of you ignoring the person on the phone. Ps. I didn't need you to point to the phone, make a silly gesture with your hand and make like the person doesn't stop talking. You my friend are the one that doesn't shut the fuck up the other 9 hours of my work day.

9.) The oh my god brittney did you see cecille's butt, it's so huge conversation. Great... now I can practice transcribing the idiocies of a bleach bitch that can' t understand why so many people are full of shit, while she fingers through her prada catalogue. This one is gender specific but wait ladies.. there's one for the guys...

10.) The let's go play poker and drink to see if we can convince the girls to play strip poker and forever be shamed for having taking a load on their tits from us. Yes macho talk rules... If you're a macho asshole. If you have any type of decency and don't need to grab your dick 40 times a minute just to reassure yourself that you HAVE a package, then this need not apply to you.

11.) The let's go get high but you buy the... "snack cakes" so we can go to Jim's house and get shit faced. Yes, I didn't need to know why you're a moron. Your behavior is more than enough to turn me off to ever inviting you for a party because even if I did smoke weed, you'd probably buy some cheap ass refer instead of good shit. You're an idiot and you should seriously consider conserving some neurons.

And I'll leave it at that. If anyone feels a category was left out, by all means, take this chance to share and share alike all the stupid shit you have to listen to every day. We WANT to know who got who pregnant. WE NEED to know who possibly has STD's. This is valuable shit to put to use in... well the best sport ever in advertising, gossiping. So by all means, if a co-worker can't seem to leave his fucking cell phone alone for one second, be sure to remind him or her that it's still possible that cell phones cause cancer... Then enjoy the beautiful irony of said idiot calling everyone up on his or her cell phone to tell them that cell phones cause cancer.

Tis the season to have TiVo!

It's official, guys. Christmas is here! Wippyyyyyyy! Merry Xmas ad sucky friends, from all the guys at WAS. And I thought, what better time to recommend the best gift ever, specially for ad people: TiVO.

Face it. We don't get to watch TV that much. We're usually working. Late. Very late. And, do you hate as much as I do when someone (who went home early because he didn't have to stay like you) tells you about that great TV program? Well, well. Not anymore.

TiVO is the best gizmo, ever. Just buy the sucker, plug it into your cable box and another telephone line and bingo. You can record every damn program and movie you will miss. It's not that expensive, too. You can buy a life long service term for 300 bucks or something. Amazon has the thingy for 179.99 and up. Trust me, it's worth it.

But, that's not all, folks! You know when you are watching a movie on HBO and suddenly some stupid a-hole calls you? In another life, you would get pissed off and transfer all your hate to that poor shmuck. Not anymore. Just click pause, bingo again. TiVo records what you are missing because of the lame ass call so you can return to normality without suffering.

So, go ahead guys. Search here at our Amazon Link for TiVO. 'Cause there is no way you will ever go home early. Deal with it.

Um. Did I do an ad for free?

Dammit!!!

Did we really want to be ad people when we grew up?

Funny, I don't remember telling mom I wanted to do ads. Well, I wanted to be a ballerina, but what else do you want to do when you are four? But now, as time goes by, I usually ask myself this, most of all when it's 11pm at night and I'm still slaving away at my job: what would I rather be doing? Hm. My pick? You won't be surprised. A writer. For a cool magazine about... well, whatever. I would be happy writing for anything. Just give me a cool Starbucks Capuccino, grande. Laptop, mac, please. That's it. I'm in hog heaven.

So, here's the thing, ladies and gentlemen: this is a short post so you can comment all the way to lunch time. The question is: if you could change jobs, right now, what would you want to do?