Dog Poo Alert: The Cave

Look at this image.

Concentrate. Try to remember every detail.


Close your eyes. Can you describe the image, perfectly? Good.


Then you are prepared to NOT RENT THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE.

Damn me. I lost money today. This piece of dog poo called a movie is the worst thing since... The Interpreter, I think. Yes, I can remember every single ass wipe flick I've seen. I wanted to write about this, because I feel that it is a moral imperative that I warn you, good people of advertising, of this awful movie. So, this is my public service of the year.

THE CAVE SUCKS! HARD AND LONG!

First of all, let's give you the plot (Spoiler alert, but if you want to see it inspite this review, then you need medical help): some idiots are called to go into a cave (duh) by a scientist. The team is the ultimate sport-billies who do everything right and they go in without a hassle: well, at least for the first 20 minutes. Then... tah dah: a big weird ass monster starts munching people up. They end up trapped - what an original idea - and of course, they have to escape the cave and the monsters...

This movie is full of clichés: the dude who wants to be the hero - and which has a crush since minute 5 of the film with the hot scientist; the big over protective brother who is dissapointed of his little brother, the ultimate muscle guy who is so dependable you know he's dying really soon... Kill me now.

By the way: you don't get so see a damn thing of the monsters, you have to ENDURE this piece of crap until almost the end to see them. By then, you are so pissed off that you rented this that you don't give a shit.

So yeah. Don't rent this movie, ever. If there is nothing else at the video store, go home and watch QVC.