Ok, apart from my elation to Pearl Jam etc, I can’t say that my week has been all that chipper. See, here’s the problem, I keep finding myself getting this reaction in regards to my face when someone comes a knocking for a job that is poorly written, or simply just happens to have 72 thousand revisions in a day. Ready? Here it goes:
“I’m sorry, I know this sucks, but it’s not my fault. It really sucks that you always get the shit, but we need this…. In about 20 minutes.”
……………………. I’m going to have my coffee. When I’m done you’ll get to your job. Have a problem with that, consider licking yourself and when you pull that off, call me to see it and guess what, you’ll have your job ready.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
All this week, I’ve had the wonderful pleasure of doing jobs over about 6 times each because someone just happened to forget one thing or another. Traffic and Execs keep pointing fingers at each other, bitching about each other, yet still I don’t see blood. So for God’s sake, drop the fucking charade and tell me you want me to be your Broke Back Creative. Tell me you wanna dress me up like a cowboy and rip me a new one instead of this bullshit sympathy and conflict amongst yourselves. You want to make my life a living hell and guess what, that’s the only thing you’ve done really well this week.
Let’s have a rundown of this week’s idiocies:
• I was told that I don’t know how to write properly twice by someone who can’t send an email without a typo
• I was asked to do about 12 bullshit favors because someone forgot to do something and they needed my help real bad
• I was handed jobs with false start dates with today’s date as due date
• I received approx. 7 revisions for about 5 jobs meaning that I, in fact, had 35 jobs in theory
• I saw other people take coffee breaks while I was getting jack hammered by the man…… go team
• And to boot, I saw people commit the same dumb mistakes I’ve seen in 5 agencies.
This is failing to mention the myriad of idiotic shit happening in my personal life that just makes me this bastion of joy for all to pinch and rub. I’ve met face to face with shitty attitudes, menstrual periods, alpha male stupidity and the ever so present, it wasn’t my fault. Well guess what? Yes it was fucker! You fucked up, as have I, as has every human being in existence you idiot! OH: “I’m a victim, everything’s my fault, no one understands me”….. For Christ’s Sake go suck Oprah’s cooch. Whiney, whine, whine WHINE!!!! Now I know what a job description for a couple of positions needs to post. Are you good at bitching? Do you sound like a little boy who likes My Little Pony and just got bitch slapped by the school bully? Do you constantly need to nag the living shit out of EVERYONE to feel important about yourself. Are you writing a book and need conflictive material because your inspiration well has gone dry? Well guess what? I DON’T CARE.
I don’t care if traffic was bad. I don’t care if your dog’s sick. I don’t care if you’re going to be an uncle, a grandmother, or mother of a litter of twelve. I don’t care if your pizza sucked and tasted like diced armadillo crotch. I don’t care if they forgot to put your complimentary cookie in your combo. I don’t care about the weather. I don’t care about politics. I don’t care about your new hair do. And I don’t care about you since you OBVIOUSLY don’t care about me. I’m glad your life sucks. You know why? Because I know it’s bullshit, but you need shit to talk about and what better topic during my fucking coffee break than some depressing shit you read about in the news or lived?
I’d guess but seeing as I only care about how pissed off I am at the-he-did-it-oh-no-he-did-it-no-really-HE-did-it-NUH-UH-HE-DID-IT-I-SWEAR bullshit game, I won’t because I don’t care. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO YOUR JOB. And still, some people insist on reproducing. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Please desist from the idea. The world is overpopulated and your cracker spawn will do nothing to better the world we live in.
This has been a message brought to you by a distraught copywriter in the desperate need to vent about three days that have eclipsed the peace he’d finally achieved. Have a wonderful day and by all means, feel free to bang my balls. It’s the new trend, at least for this week.