Apr 25, 2006

The Art of infomercials

Have you ever been dealt a massive case of insomnia and can’t seem to get round to that wonderful thing we call sleeping? Then you’ve probably faced the magical world of infomercials. These concoctions spawned forth the minds of countless evil capitalist swine are specifically targeted abd designed to convince sleep deprived citizens to buy useless shit they REALLY don’t need. I’m not talking about something you just “don’t need”, I’m saying there’s no logical reason for even considering buying said item yet there you are, glued to your TV set as Ron Popeil feathers his pubes with a new pubic styler, convincing you without a shadow of a doubt that you need this to survive in the 21st century.

Year after year, infomercials keep surfacing and guess why? Because they keep selling. Millions of units of vertical chicken cookers, ab shockers, testicle trimmers and breastercising. Get the best abs in 10 minutes, spawn an iron butt from a pathetic tail bone, spar with Billy Blanks Tae bo style and all this, for 19.95!

But wait there’s more! Want to look like Christmas lint that just exited the bowels of your canine friend? Here’s the Bedazzler! What’s that? You love fruit roll ups AND beef jerky? Here’s a food dehydrator? Ever wanted to know the secret to a long life? It’s inside an undigested corn kernel so here’s your Juiceman.

And why do people keep buying into this? The characters, the package, the secret selling techniques and the fact that although you’re 74% brain dead and it’s way past any professional’s bed time, you’re conscious enough to be brainwashed into picking up the phone and dial in your credit card number. That’s the hook, they’re entertaining enough to let you go to sleep, but guess what, that’s unobstructed advertising you’re receiving on a subconscious level and still you ask yourself why you can’t balance your budget and have gold plated socks in your drawers.

Face it people, we love to shop and we love to shop long and hard. Hell we love to shop so much that there’s a shopping channel that’s been around for 20 years. Right, like she won’t notice it’s a zirconium. Best part of QVC is watching these washed out suburbians selling useless shit along with their souls as they try and bullshit the flock out of its earnings.

Oh, and then beauty products! I love how they are either racially specific or totally politically correct with those informercials. Middle upper white business women on one side, and Kanika on the other. I’m not making that name up. There is (or was) a hair product for black women based on vanilla and one of the women on the show had that name. How do I know this? Well apart from the sad fact that I wasted precious time watching unnecessary infomercials of products I’d never buy every time I was sick at home or couldn’t sleep, they mentioned it in the show and the spokesman actually tasted it. Not a little dip. No, no; this guy took a full swig of a hair product and was two steps from saying deeeeelicious.

Also, who can forget all the Australian and English psychopaths selling stuff for your car?

CRAZY AUSSIE ACCENT:

“CRICKEY MATE!!!! I can smash a sledgehammer into the windshield and thanks to X product, it’s FIXED!!! Ever had a problem with drive-by’s? No problem MATE! X product will just bounce these bullets off like grasshoppers trying to go against a ‘dillo!!! Tired of ruely postmen putting a flame thrower to your windshield?...” you get the point.

How bout the Juiceman and his never ending tirade of fountain of youth cocktails consisting of wheatgrass, artichoke, celery, pure fertilizer and a dash of apple, to make that gag worthy concoction actually swallowable?

And the countless others. Male sex potency enhancers, magic talismans, Mistress Cleo and her fake Jamaican accent. The variety of bullshit infomercials is astronomical and guess why we see them? Because they’re entertaining. They’re stupid and while some might wonder how some people could fall into said traps, you just can’t help but notice your friend has the Nordic Track buried next to his George Forman Grill and that he has a nagging urge to buy a wicker toilet seat with matching bidet.

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