Apr 4, 2006

What I would scream to my Client.

Joker has a point about deficient Account Executives. Those fuckers can sometimes make me want to rip my skin apart, take a bath in salt water and drink some nice Drano on ice. I've lived every single item he discussed, and it sometimes kills me to think how many of you out there are still living that hell. (I don't. We don't have AE's where we work. Prohibited.)

But... the thing is... Clients are also defective people. And here are some things that I wish I could scream at them until phlegm and blood rush out of my mouth in anger. So... Here it is.

1) YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING GRAPHIC DESIGNER.
Um. Try to think of the diploma sitting right next to you. Does it say Arts Major? Design something? No, right? Design DOES require more than good taste. You actually have to study this shit in order to be a great designer. So, the ability of picking some nice house color paints or because you colored inside the lines doesn't mean you are suddenly the greatest designer out there.

2) JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN WRITE YOUR OWN LETTERS DOESN'T MAKE YOU A COPYWRITER.
OOOOh. How I hate this. I hand over a great radio ad, for example. Suddenly I have it back by fax, with lines that no one - well, only a moron - would say. Add to that the humiliation of seeing your concept killed because all the copy points in the world have to be there. Line that I hate the most? "I re-wrote your ad. Can you check if it fits in 30 seconds?" Gosh, what I'd give to retort "Can I punch you right in the mouth with a diamond encrusted brass nuckle?"

3) YOU ARE NOT MY ONLY CLIENT.
I know you think I am just staring at my computer or grabbing my ass while I wait for your call. Um. Think again. I have many other clients. That means if you have a change or revision, or if you simply want to change something because your left nut itches, you have to wait. Besides. I need time to surf the net, download some music, pass some stupid emails, play Solitaire... and maybe then I can concentrate on your campaign.

4) IF YOU GIVE ME ONE CHANGE AT A TIME I MIGHT HAVE TO KILL YOU SLOWLY.
What is the big deal? Can't you just sit down with every single idiot that has to comment on our sorry ass ad and get all the revisions at once? No, I guess you like to make my life miserable. Little by little changes come in. Makes me wonder if this is how you work during the day... multi tasking might not be your talent.

5) I HAVE TO CHARGE FOR THAT. SORRY.
Did you change your strategy while I was designing? Did your budget suddenly got cut short? Or the prize winner: the ad is on strategy, but your dumb twit secretary didn't like it because it wasn't cute enough? Sorry. I will charge you for all this. It is YOUR fault, not mine, that you don't have a clue about anything.

And the last one...

6) GIVE ME TIME. I WILL SAVE UP SOME MONEY, OPEN A BAR AND SURRENDER YOUR SORRY ASS ACCOUNT.
This last one is basic. I mean... Anyone who actually wants to do this for their entire lives SUCKS BALLS.

Damn. If only once I could say this. Wishful hating...

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