1. Licking the nutsack and asshole of a dead aardvark
2. Shaving your grandma’s pubes
3. Having a conversation with someone who still insists Guns and Roses is the best band in the world
4. Drinking water from a Mexican Pond
5. Getting kicked in the nuts by a pure bred stallion
6. Killing a baby and then eating it
7. Scraping my gums against a rusty cyclone fence
8. Challenging Tara Reid to a drinking contest
9. Munching dead rats off Simon Cowell’s taint
10. Dumping a vat of rotten sushi, vomit, peanut butter and old sea chum so I can have a swim in South Africa
11. Spending a winter in Prague naked
12. Teaching a Japanese brain trauma survivor how to dance salsa
13. Fucking Martha Stewart
14. Impregnating Martha Stewart
15. Raising little Joker Stewart
16. Fucking the tranny that blew Hugh Grant and also having my face in the tabloids
17. Becoming a Scientologist
18. Reenacting the “I’m singing in the rain” scene from Clockwork Orange
19. Watching Glitter on a 24 hour loop
20. Raping a rabid wombat
21. Sitting on a beehive
22. Licking the floor of a gas station bathroom
23. Going down on Barbara Bush
24. Being Saddam Hussein’s lawyer
25. Jumping three feet high to land on top of my nuts
26. Being Napoleon Dynamite’s first fuck
27. Playing Duck Hunt with Dick Cheney
28. Smoking a Clinton cigar
29. Celebrating after a Soccer Match for the visiting team
30. Giving Michael Jackson a facial (be it cosmetic or pornographic, it’s equally disgusting and disturbing)
31. Sticking my dick in an electrical socket (I saw a guy put foil on his pecker and actually do this… He probably also loves jerking off with battery acid)
32. Being the Homeland security agent in charge of monitoring Brittney Spears’ wicked awesome ho phone line
33. Fucking Connie Chung, Maurie, you’re a gracious man
34. Giving a burnt corpse a blowjob
35. Listening to Good Charlotte for 4 hours straight… yes it would be that painful and I’d rather suck off the stiff’s stiffy
36. Putting Black electrical tape on my scrotum, letting it settle for a few days so it would fuse with my skin then having an NFL linebacker rip it off
37. Eating a bowl full of diced Yak penis in Sperm whale sperm sauce
38. Getting my dick caught in a bear trap
39. Gouging my eyes out with tweazers
40. Taking a pole vault, lining it up with my asshole and then have a rhino ram into it.
Yeah, I fucking love Monday's as much as I love fisting myself. in Tourette's Guy Tradition AAAAHHHHHHH BOB SAGETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
5 comments:
ACK - some of these actually made me physically gag!
And my god, man - watching "Glitter" on a 24-hour loop? That's just SICK!
Actually i would impregnant Martha Stewart. If i could take the "having sex with her" part away, i'd just artificially get her pregnant. I'd quit my job and become the world's richest House-Husband
Take a day off. I used to work with someone who never came to work on Mondays.
Wow. How did you get hold of my itinerary for this weekend?
Giving a burnt corpse a blow job.
That's gold, Jerry, gold!
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