Some people want world peace. Others want a million dollars. Some want to fuck every single woman in the world. But me? My list is a little bit different.
I want a spider sense that determines when an account exec is on his or her way to deliver great news. I want to do the jedi mind trick so for once the client gives everyone at the agency a well deserved blow job. I want 30 copies of Samara’s tape to include in a couple of fruit baskets. I want the car from Christine so I can leave it at the Valet Parking that always scratches cars. I want Stephen King to spoon with some of the people that get on my nerves. I want the Ask a Ninja’s ninja to go ninja on some people’s ninja. I want a pony so I can feed it cabbage and gorgonzola cheese for when I let it crap all over clients Persian rugs. I want a 4 day work week. I want a 3 day coffee break. I want good commercials and better programming. I want smart responsible politicians and dumb drug dealers. I want to take poorly written jobs and turn them into self destructing documents from Inspector Gadget. I want my own cereal. I want to be McGyver so no matter the situation I can get out of it with an Avocado, two rubber bands, rotten dairy creamer and Dasani water. I want to force feed three liters of Diet coke along with four Mentos pack to every shitty driver that pisses me off. I want to save the whales, save the penguins, save the trees and fuck congress. I want twenty lobbyists against a wall to do a real twenty gun salute. I want a glass of wine, expensive sushi and cheap videogames. I want shitty movies to be moved to another theater. I want soccer moms to stop wearing navel rings. I want soccer kids to stop wearing high heels and makeup, girls AND boys. I want gay people to get married if they want to. I want smokers to smoke if they want to. I want conservatives to be exposed to 24 hours of pornography, 20 hours of real music, and one second of reality. I want tree hugging liberalists to stop bitching about everything. I want more time to surf, more time to write, more time to eat ice cream and more time to practice the baby making horizontal cha-cha. I want to celebrate Chinese New Year, Hanukah, Easter, St Patrick’s and Kwanza. I want to beat a mime up. I want to find Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse and kiss it. I want to see Pearl Jam live at the beach. I want Scott Stapp to get the shit kicked out of him again by the skinny rapper from 311. I want the singer of AFI to kiss all the confused boys that jerk off to him. I want a 6,000 GB iPOD set on smart shuffle that knows what to play and when. I want to cut the hair of the singer of Cohede and Cambria. I want to shake Jack Johnson’s hand. I want to tea bag the Queen of England. I want to run naked in the Vatican and I want to give the new pope the Nazi handshake. I want to do the truffle shuffle. I want high caf, low cost coffee. I want everyone in the world to have a decent meal 3 times a day and I want my quality time with my quality friends.
I’m a guy who wants a lot of things in a lot of ways and no matter the day, the mood, the work load or the job shafting I’m getting, I’ll always have lots to say.