Dreck Farbissen for the Goy leaves only Ipish

Dear WAS readers, I’m communicating through this medium to express my formal apology to the Jewish community for my actions this past weekend.

I have always been a sort of vilde chaya and have had my fair share of tsuris in my life. But due to my blabberings as a total shickered putz, I have shown just how much of a mamzer I can actually be.

Due to a severe case of narishkeit, I behaved like a total schlemiel, and after the whole incident, "I was so angry, I thought I'd plotz!".

Now I am here sitting on my old Christian God loving tuchas, a bit verklempt to say the least, who deserves to be schtupped with a hot curling iron layered with Tabasco droppings. I’ve had a horrible case of the shpilkes because I’ve realized just how much of a hegdesch my life has become. But as a dear and wise Hebrew friend once told me, abi meleibt. I just ask myself how it all got to be such a despicable mishegoss? When exactly did I go from an innocent and kind pisher to a schickered nebbish?! When did I get so farblondzhet?

In all reality, yes I am a shande. An alter kicker that knows bubkis about bubkis. But I needed to stir up the necessary chutzpah to admit how much of a shmendrik I was during last weekend’s hoopla. I don’t want to come off as a schnorrer or much less as a hockstetter. I don’t want to kvetch or make a big tsimmis but I found out what happened to me this weekend. In reality a dybbuk that had lived in a fourteen year aged bottle of tequila was realeased in me, forcing me to act like a total schmuck. Look me in the punim when I tell you, I was truly a shmegege and had this farkakte thing happen to me, but abi meleibt. So by all means, don’t treat me like the anti semitic dreck you think me to be. Proceed to employ a nice gentle potch to me and by all means, don’t make a big tsimiss out of my drunken tirade.

Hell, we can even drink to our health with some nice Tequila. And no worries, it’ll be kosher tequila from my jewish beaner friends that also know this great nigger who can sell us some mad dope that’ll krook us up till we’re all gook eyed. So to all my Hebrew friends, L’CHAIM!!!!! And Aleichem Shalom!!!

Your sincerely unracist, un-anti-semitic, over-apologetic, and impassioned Christ lover.

Mel.

FROM JOKER:

Kosher jello shots will be served from 8 to 10 PM tomorrow evening. Mel said to bring brown mustard, kosher salt, some lamb, and don’t forget your yarmulkes and dreidels. It’ll be a grand ole time!!!!!!

For those yiddish impaired, feel free to click the title for a list of the yiddish words used in this post and some other fun filled yiddish words.