If there’s anything I truly love about new businesses, it is the illogical air that permeates an entire agency when a new pitch is slotted for a certain date. We all become these Cloak and Dagger dickheads with gotcha guns and conspiracy theories. It’s truly demonstrated who fucks themselves over with work while other people still have the luxury of leaving at six, delegating and mediocrity aside.
But really, the entire new business phenomenon is hilarious because first you get the speech from the boss, saying you can’t talk about this to anyone because, other people are always listening, and they’ll beat us to it. What the fuck is this, a treasure hunt? Well actually, that’s exactly what it is. A stupid fucking treasure hunt where we all become creative buccaneers that will rape and pillage the opposing company and force them to yield over their riches and wealth, ARRRRRRRRR…
It’s a combination, Pirates of the Caribbean, S.W.A.T., Mission Impossible and Inspector Gadget with a healthy dose of crack to go with your mission. You’d swear the fucking brief would explode after you have read it, but unluckily, it doesn’t (Hell we could send it back to revise and blow up an exec or the traffic department). Oh and let me not forget to add a bit of samurai ethics because remember, that this is battling with honor for victory, and fame, and … more money for the boss.
Doesn’t seem so glamorous now? Silly you then because guess what? Sometimes new businesses are actually interesting accounts that not only bring money but an air of fresh creativity to what was steadfastly becoming a despicable routine. Now you have to prove your shit. Now you have to show you got the guns to be called a winner instead of second best, or worldwide account assigned by home base. But, as with everything, there’s always a catch.
New businesses means working your ass off to get the day-to-day work out ASAP so you can try and freshen your mind and think up some interesting shit for your new business. It means, long hours, shitty food, less time with friends and family, more times shitting at work, and breathing the same air over and over and over. It makes or breaks you as an advertising professional and some people perform while others fall short. Ideas switch a billion times and it’s almost like popping a pimple. It’s disgusting yet oddly pleasant for some fucked up reason we can’t explain.
What’s the problem? New business work hours are basically free hours an agency works to develop shit that will 90% of the time not make it to the light of day. It means sweating your ass and coming up with the most creative campaign ever that would NEVER get approved and also showing you can do a responsible job. It shows the true grit of who does what and who goes the extra mile. Basically it’s like some shitty Disney sports movie where a bunch of fuckups are tossed into a situation and are expected to come together, hate each other to reconcile and love each other and pull off the upset of the century. And when you do get the account, I swear it almost seems worthwhile. Almost.
So what happens when you DON’T get the account? Well apart from everyone pointing fingers, a feeling of self hatred seeps to each and every nook and cranny of the office. Everyone sucks, everyone thinks everyone else sucks and downing a bottle of chloroform suddenly seems like a good idea.
Regardless of the outcome, it’s an internal thing though. You’re not supposed to talk about it like fucking jury duty. If you’re depressed, sad, bummed, pissed, angry or frustrated, bottle it in. It’s company related, it’s not for outside people, and it’s not to be discussed because it’s none of your new business.