Aug 22, 2012

Guilty Pleasures Volume 10: Bloodsport


With more faggy ballet split kicking, butt flashing, fraternity-drunk-retard-moaning than any other Jean Claude Van Damme movie, you know it by name and probably by heart, it’s BLOODSPORT.

This movie is what you get when you cross street fighter, with any of the 10,000 Dragon Ball bullshit tournaments, and the real story, really made up by Frank W. Dux (“you know, like put up your dukes”… classic). Frankie is an American Air Force grunt who goes apeshit AWOL, so he can represent his Ninjitsu master in the kumite, an illegal, underground, no holds barred, freestyle and occasionally deadly contest. Before going along, lets analyze a few things. Most of what Mr. Dux says cannot be corroborated and when they say, based on a true story, they’re not kidding. Dux made up a bullshit story while deepthroating Jaggermeister, and they made it into a movie. Second problem, the American Air Force grunt is Van Damme… right… Very American. It’s almost as odd as an Austrian Governor for the state of California… wait a minute... OK maybe not a minute, let’s continue. And he has a master of some martial arts form. Ok, American kid, grows up training in kung fu to become an Air Force pilot… and then he wants to participate in the Kumite to represent his ailing master. Yeah… makes total sense.

Ok so we got the panty destroying Van Damme doing splits, showing his ass and boning a reporter for the Romance part of the movie. Some blonde somebody that looked good for the 80’s but couldn’t compete with Van Dammes toned ass or his feminine sense of style. Now we need a buddy. Another American, but let’s make this one a REAL American. Someone who represents brute force, lack of intelligence and various of the other noteworthy characteristics typical of Americans in regards to martial arts movies of the 80’s. I’ve got it, OGRE from Revenge of the Nerds. It seems like he comes along in every B-movie available in the 80’s, yet here he is, no beer, no hate for nerds, no love for nerds, just a palpable sense of power evident in his showcase of skills when he gets served while playing Karate Champ in an arcade against the deadly ballerina known as Jean.

Cool, so we got the ho and the buddy, throw in a random Asian to root additionally for Dux and get the crowd riled up, and … hmmm. We need a villain… Enter Bolo Yeung. B-movie villain extraordinaire that gets axed by Van Damme two or three times in different movies. Having said that, here’s some trivia for you. That bad guy. Yes, the huge Chinese behemoth that looks part dragon. THAT guy was 50 in that movie and by all means he still scares the shit out of many people, be it as Chong Li, or any of a variety of bad guys he played. Ok so you got a ho, a baddie, a buddy, a leech and what else are we missing? Hmmm… ok let’s get some agents to hunt down Frank for deserting the US so we can offer one of the lamest “chase” scenes ever filmed. I put quotations because it’s that stupid and it’s painfully obvious that they needed to kill 30 minutes in the film, and ten are pulled off there. The other twenty are split in the training of Dux, as he showcases in the final battle with bullshit helicopter kicks, more splits than a gay six year old, and the dim mak, or however the fuck you write it. A special move that means, the death touch. Oh and please don’t forget more gratuitous split scenes where he is meditating and showcasing for the ladies who were dragged to the movie and the guys who secretly long for a taste of the Van Damme. Sorry, guys who love action movies have always seemed like they dig the macho sweaty hero way too much, and I’m sure that they were forced to confess once or twice that they jerked off thinking about Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Rambo or Arnold Shccjhjkwhkhwnegger (I hate spelling his name).

After Ogre gets a big boo boo, Frank can finally face Chong Li, the cocaine loving China man, (he even throws some dust into Dux’s eyes, something which seems painful until the rush subsides and then he’s awrightttt… Classic wrestling match ensues with tide shifts occurring something like this. Good guy faces bad guy. Good guy is intimidated, connects a feeble hit, bad guy connects a harder hit, grins and the good guy is forced to take off any of a variety of clothing attire he may be donning. Good guy goes a few rounds, gets the upper hand and then, the bad guy plays dirty. Bad guy gets the upper hand, cue dramatic music and closeup of hero’s face and voilá, through the use of some bullshit power and bad scripwriting, the hero not only changes the theme music, but beats the bad guy. Good guy gets girl, sees his friend and they have some Hobbit gayness going on and credits.

Enjoy yet another pile of shit I happen to enjoy zoning off to.

Originally published on 11/17/06

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

For the record, Ogre does drink beer in this film. On the bus where Van Damme first sees Ogre, Ogre is wooing a chinese woman with big, helmet-like hair. He holds in his hand a can of San Miguel, which is a Filipino brand of beer.

joker said...

You're totally right about the beer and Ogre, but at least he didn't drink it from a big cup like the ROTN movie :D.

And in that scene, he's leaning over the seat while talking to Mr. Put up your Dux. Thanks for the reminder.

NOw the true Q... is San Miguel a worthy Brew or did it just use some clever product placement? Hmmmm

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