Aug 21, 2012

Guilty Pleasures volume 5: Critters

What’s furry but spiky, a cannibal but silly, two feet in size until it consumes mass amounts of meat and just one of the lamest horror series to have ever been spawned by dumb paint sniffing minds? You guessed correctly.

If you’re a child of the 70’s or 80’s and you haven’t seen this spiky shit heap, you’re missing out on one of the better crap fests. Base story, two aliens come to town because wouldn’t you know it, a couple of crites (Scottish for Critters or something) have come to town. They look like the love child of a pissed off methamphetamine depraved Sonic the Hedgehog and Stripe from the Gremlins. Yeah charming. They can combine into a big ass ball of crites (I can’t help but do a lame Mike Meyers Scottish accent, sorry; CRITESSSSS). Anyways, this big ass ball can pretty much devour a stadium full of people and the miscellaneous debris of your choosing.

Not only that but it gets better. You know the phrase: you have to start somewhere? Well it turns out some of our dearest Hollywood friends made a start in these shitty films. Whom you might ask? How bout Billy Zane? Not so cool now eh? With this and the Phantom, it’s a surprise he can still get a gig, but let’s be honest, Billy’s cool hence him doing whatever the fuck he wants and still coming off as cool shit. Any other known actor in this series? Try a superstar? Think Titanic… opposite of Billy Zane to be precise. Leonardo Di Caprio. Now that’s what I call a fucking coincidence.

Ok so the story line has two bounty hunters trying to get these little suckers, their names are something like Ug and Og. Something dumb sounding yet potentially spacy. They hunt the little fuckers, attempt to eradicate them and always seem to leave a few eggs unharmed to keep the series rolling. Really peeps, any of these movies will do because they have the Groundhog Day essence in that the only thing that changes is the number after the title. They’re stupid, they suck, they’re poorly acted and they are yet another Guilty Pleasure to be enjoyed.

Originally posted on 11/7/06


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...