What does a frosty mullet donned by an Olympic gymnast, the worst sound effects circa 1942, an old asian guy that says “Yosh” a lot and karate have in common? It’s GYMKATA.
The skill of gymnastics and the kill of karate are combined to become the central theme of one of the more outlandishly poor scripts ever to have been acted out, filmed and distributed to movie theaters in the US. Mind you, that whole “skills and kills” thing is taken off the poster meaning that yes, that was the official movie tagline.
Ok, so how do we transform a former Olympian with delirious visions of grandeur into an icon, mix gymnastics and karate. Corporate execs applaud at the concept and ask Skeeter to draft a storyline that is action packed, yet realistic. ‘Alright’ says the ole Skeet and since we’re still in the midst of the Cold War, then we need to include something about getting into the Star Wars program (Star Wars pertaining to the battling between super countries to establish themselves in outer space via satellites, space missions and whatnot; in no way pertaining to anything that has to do with a wookie, an ewok or Lando Calrissian’s moustache). It seems that some distant country called Parmistan (I think it’s a combination of Pakistan and cheese) has the know-how and the perfect spot to launch a space program to implement the most excellent early nuclear detection system. If you’re already going “What the Fuck?” you haven’t seen anything yet. To gain control or permission of usage, it seems that a lone American must take part in … ‘the Game’. Seriously, not the deadly game, not the risky game, not the scary game, just the game. This game consists of an illogical obstacle course riddled with baddies, smog, bad editing, no time sequence and as many flag ninjas as you can put in a movie. I swear if you think the guy with the survey stick on the freeway looks stupid, get ready for these poor flag wielding bastards. I’m sure the Ask a Ninja’s Ninja did-in any and everyone who acted in this movie. Acted meaning poorly reading 11 x 17 cue cards in the woods.
Our hero’s mullet is not ready of course, he’s only a gymnast and although he’s really game on showing his bulge, he can’t fend off a regular turtle, let alone a ninja turtle, let alone Thorg or Zamir or some other bullshit name like that, which are the real baddies of the flick. Thorg is a guy that looks like ogre from Revenge of the nerds wearing a grey sweatsuit and shit yeah, shiny silver gauntlets. Zamir on the other hand has a lovely chiseled waxed chest and feathery hair to die for, oh and they’re both bearded because every bad guy needs a beard right?
So that’s the setup, here’s where the fun begins. Jonathan Cabot, our Olympic fucknut, is chosen to head the deadly game, which has never been won in 900 years. Sounds like some tacky Mortal Kombat ripoff but this came before Mortal Kombat, so it is forgiven as much as it can be. But hey, he’s a gymnast boy, he needs training and what better way to train than having an Asian American say ‘Yosh’ every two sentences to silence the fairy boy and pairing that Asian guy with a big black dude that rides a horse. Somewhere in between, some princess appears and it turns out this bitch is far from being Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom and she’s just a homicidal Parmistanian that has a taste for gym boys. She whoops Cabot, and then we really know he needs training, since he just got his ass kicked by a woman who doesn’t have any training in martial arts, even if the script demands it.
Afterwards we’re treated to the training sequences mentioned above and of course, there are three sound effects looped over and over to create thrill and suspense since there wasn’t any budget left over for even the shittiest stock music vying to become the next eye of the tiger. So the über Olympian completes his training by climbing stairs with his hands while wearing short shorts and having his sensei jump and rejoice more and more with each ensuing bouncing crotch shot. I can’t make this shit up. Well, maybe I can but I have the better taste and presence of mind to not do so. Anyways, after two solid months of yak masturbating and training with master ‘YOSHHHHH’, Cabot is ready to save the United States. Priceless.
One awkward love scene later, where the once Playboy Bunny opts to not get naked for the gymkataers and we arrive at Parmistan. The game begins and apparently if you wear a jogging suit, you’re not going to make it. Consider this the Gymkata version of a Star Trek red shirt. They run through a series of obstacles, get directed by the ever present flag ninjas, seriously, being a loser is bad enough, but being a loser ninja REALLY has to blow.
So people frolic around the obstacle course getting maimed by ninjas except our hero. He’s called a bastard 3,000 times while being put in situations a toddler could escape from until his meeting with our beloved would be Ogre, Thorg. He gets his ass kicked until he hears an arrow whizzing by the air, ducks and it hits Thorg (tear in my eye). But he’s not dead and they enter the village of the crazies where they corner Jonathan and Thorg in a pig room. Obviously the hero escapes and Thorg gets impaled by a pitchfork. Jonathan then strides into the village square. He’s cornered and wait…. There it is… an Olympic horse which he gets on to unleash the full ferocity of GYMKATAAAAAAAA. Some poorly gaffed, edited and micd sequences later and he’s escaping up a rope on a wall, but he falls, he’s about to fall into badass crazie hands when a flag ninja suddenly helps him… But why? Simple, it’s his friggin father. After about 4 minutes of trite dialogue, his father gets shot with an arrow and Jonathan faces Zamir. So much gay tension ensues between both these guys in every scene they are together that Frodo and Sam would blush. Needless to say, the fight blows but the finisher is priceless. After a tumbling blubbered body splash, the hero wraps his legs around his love hate nemesis’ throat and snaps his neck, probably after staining his shorts.
He then gets on a horse with his woman and dad and end credits as we have been able to implement a defense system thanks to the efforts of Cabot and the power of Gymkata.
Truly, if you’re looking for an action flick, rent something with Chuck Norris. If you’re looking for a comedic masterpiece intended to thrill millions with the power of the mullet, then by all means you have to…. YOSHHHHHHHHHH… Or just watch the movie.
Originally posted on 11/8/06
0 comments:
Post a Comment