Aug 21, 2012

Guilty Pleasures volume 7: Beast Master

Take Conan, make him a gay ferret loving warrior that can see through his pet hawk’s eyes, put him against a sorcerer half as menacing as Gargamel and give him a sword that while more practical than Conan’s Atlantian sword, it was that much fruitier in comparison as well.

If your memory fails to remember this movie two things might have happened, either you didn’t see it in the movies, this movie grossed less than Gymkata, OR you never had TBS (The Beastmaster Station). Simple as that. The only three movies that got more airplay on that station were Jaws, Bloodsport and anything with Chuck Norris (this last one counts as one because after all, it’s the same movie with different names, not as bad as Steven Segal’s though).

The Courage of an eagle, the Strength of a panther and the power of a god.

That was the movie tagline. The power of a god thing is nice but really, since when are eagles courageous? And while panthers might be ferocious and stuff, they’re like the feline equivalent of Hollywood from the Mannequin movies. Aggressive? Yes. Entertaining? Yes. Velvety smooth? Yes again.

Ok if you need any type of background for this movie, let’s start by how this guy was born. Dar… that’s his name… was in his mother’s womb when his castle or keep or something came under siege. In a desperate act of whatthefuckness, he’s teleported from his mother’s womb into a cow’s… Right……… So he later grows up, finds out he’s Dr. Doolittle with a broadsword, kicks some major dessert Sumerian or Babylonian white trash ass, faces off with some faceless winged people, loses one of his beloved ferrets (I cried the first few times when I was a kid. Don’t laugh).

Needless to say, the script blows, the “action” sequences are not that action packed, Marc Singer squaws beautifully and there are ferrets. Does it suck? Yes. Will you like it? Maybe. Should you be ashamed? Not at all, if friggin TBS could survive showing it 4,396 times, you can watch it, enjoy it and even buy a DVD if you find it.

On a final note, am I the only one that thinks The Beast Master sounds like the title of some random gay porn flick?

Originally posted on 11/9/06


Make the logo bigger said...

This just may be the best work John Amos ever did on film, Coming To America, a close second.

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