Aug 22, 2012

Guilty Pleasures volume 9: The Last Dragon


Who’s the funkiest? Sho’nuff!
Who’s the baddest? Sho’nuff!
Who’s the prettiest? Sho’nuff!
What’s the randomest villain to ever be proclaimed the Shogun of Harlem? SHO’NUFF!!!!!

Sho’nuff, this is yet another slab of cheese to maul over when you have nothing better to do. A movie so bad, random, illogical, poorly acted and poorly scored, that you can’t help but let a glowing tear fall from your eye. Basic plot has Bruce Leroy (AKA Leroy Green) loving martial arts so much that he wears a gi everywhere, coupled with a Chinese rice patch hat. If that weren’t enough, one of the first scenes has our soul sensei loving The Chinese Connection a long time in the theatre while doing what? Yup, eating popcorn with chopsticks. What the fuck? Really. I know it’s a parody film but somewhere down the middle of the film they forget this and get too serious for their own good.

Our beloved Bruce Leroy is a silky smooth martial artist who, guess what? Actually learned to act on the set, and it shows. His father owns a pizzeria and Sho’nuff’s goons trash the place. To boot, there’s another villain, the master mind if you will, that wants his very unsexy like Brooklyn ho to become a superstar. His name? Eddie Arcadian. I shit you not. Honestly, if you see the guy you’ll swear you’ve seen a cross between Danny Devito and any of the villains in Chip And Dale’s Rescue Rangers.

So what’s the purpose of Bruce Leroy? He’s in search of the glow. No, not the Soul Glo for his sexy locks, although he is rather jerry curlish at times. But no, he’s looking for the glow that you attain when you become THE master. Not just a master, not a good master, not even a master of the universe. No, THE MOTHAFLIPPIN MASTAHHHHHH!!! So he’s looking for the master that has the answer to all his queries. He’s guarded by three goons that love to play hot sake sue and play craps. One thing leads to the other and he finds that the master is not what he expected (I won’t ruin it for you meaning that yes, if by any chance you want to find out what the hell happened, you have to either watch, ask or look for it at IMDB.com).

But what’s a trashy 80’s flick without some bullshit romance? Enter Seventh Heaven’s lip synching diva, Laura Charles. She doesn’t play the music from Arcadian’s Rainbow Brite ho, the midget gets angry, throws a bitch fit and kidnaps her. She’s rescued by Bruce Leroy, he has to rescue her twice more and then… all of a sudden… the final battle. Leroy drops lame baddies left and right until his dojo posse arrives to save the day with a 4 foot twelve year old kicks everyone’s asses and nunchuks are shown to be the coolest albeit most impractical weapon ever devised by man.

Then the faceoff between Sho’nuff and Leroy. After getting his sho’nuffing ass about, The Shogun of Harlem dishes out his first trick, the evil red glow. C Class Star Wars effects ensue, Leroy is beaten then while getting his head dunked into water, the Shoguetty Shogun asks him who’s the Master. After a few dunks and some cheesily edited flash backs, Leroy finds it out… HE’S THE MASTER BIOTCHHHHH. He starts Soul Glowing Yellow, and we all know that yellow or gold both cancel out red any day of the week. This is obvious trivia and if you don’t know it, then you don’t know jack. Leroy whoops some Harlem ass knocks out the Shogun and when faced with the evil oompa known as Eddie Arcadian, the pipsqueak shoots Leroy in the face. Yes. They killed or chop stick obsessed hero (does he use those for eating chicken wings too? Hmmm…)… Laura breaks down in tears and Arcadian finally feels as if his dick measures more than three inches. When he goes to assess the damage, he realizes that the only thing to be damaged is his ego as Leroy caught the bullet with his teeth and later gives him an atomic wedgy until the police arrive.

So friends, if you feel the need to see a bad movie, with the dumbest theme song ever and some feuding Harlems samurai, you have only one thing to say.

SHO’NUFF!!!!!!!

Originally posted on 11/13/06
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