It's Friday, time to: Make it a Bud Light.

I decided that we had enough strange drinks for Fridays. We're going back to basics. Alcohol 101, my friends. BEER. Yes! Close your eyes and imagine this: you shut down your computer, you walk to your CEO's office, flash your butt straight at him and drive to the nearest bar and ask for a cold one.

Now, like Captain Picard said: Make it so.

Photosynthesis: Weapons of AE Destruction

You won't believe how many weapons we've received. And the list is damn funny. Some dude out there wants to cook them with this piece of gem... Sorry AD execs. If you gave us time to work, not lied to us about deadlines and actually said no once in a while to a stupid change or request by a client... then we wouldn't have to SIMPLY ENJOY this.

By the way anonymous, excellent name for the section. Keep posting, guys!!!

Too Funny: Sean Penn is pissed off. Again.

Check out this post about Sean Penn's fight over a gmail account. Hilarious.

You say Tomato, I say Blow me.

Since we are celebrating "Execs suck" week here at WAS - sorry guys, let's dive into the wonderful world of "Who is right and who is wrong". And in this particular post, I will use one thing that happened this week. True story.

I have a thing with changes. I never, ever, get them by phone. My mother can call me up and ask for a change and I will curse the day she pushed me out because I didn't get it in writing. I am that strict because I've had my share of he said she said art changes over the years I have worked at this godforsaken business. So, if you are a client or an ad exec, and you need me to make the logo bigger (as you all fuckers do), I need to get it in writing. Period.

So, one exec does that. Sends in a email. I read it. Please make an adaptation of this art to this size (and he proceeds to write down the measures). I will be out fondling myself in the car until 5pm, please leave the artwork in my desk. (Ok, OK! The fondling thing didn't happen this week. Or did it? Ha.)

I need to speed up all the things I got since I have a big presentation. So I decided to make the stupid adaptation fast. I don't check the email again. I have my measurements. I'm done.

Three damn days later (yeah, it was rush but who cares, right?) the artwork is approved. Please send the final art to the printers. No problem. Here it is.

Two damn days later. Um. Exec calls. I made it in the wrong size. I am a dumb bitch. I suck. I should be dead. A Jihad is being declared on my ass. Now the art won't be delivered in time because I am the lowest form of human flesh in this planet.

Um. What? (Insert stomach pain here, sweaty palms, increased heart rate)

I can't be mad. I read the damn email. I remember! But, I open the ad and stare at it. Maybe I was doing it wrong. Maybe in my hurry I miscalculated.

NO FUCKING WAY. I open up my email. Look for the damn evidence. I did the art correctly.

Here's the punchline: instead of telling me "I fucked up, I gave you the wrong measurements, I blow as an exec, sorry"...

All I got was YOU made a mistake.

And people might not get why we daydream about hand grenades. Jeez.

Photosynthesis: A weapon for Joker

Hey dude! Since you have official started "I HATE ACCOUNT EXECS MONTH", I decided to send you a gift. Wishful thinking... the beauty of imagination, right? Enjoy, my dear friend.

Joker and I recently talked about creating a new segment about which weapons we would use if we ever got postal on some coworkers. I know, this is violent as hell... WHO CARES! Don't you get sometimes so damn angry you wish you could smack someone's face in? I know I do. Even when I drive.

Besides. It is only a dream... Or is it? (Insert demented laugh here)

So... Thinking of getting medieval on someone's asses? Have a weapon of choice? Send it and we will post it here at Photosynthesis.

Keep the violence and anger, people! That's what unites us!

If I lived in Sin City, I already know whom I would kill

Given the track record as of late of a wonderful co-worker, she being the hands down winner of the mediocre annoying bitch award, I thought I’d write another little something-something just to get one more bit of anger off my chest. Now where to start.. or how for that matter? How bout I write her a brief letter:

Dear venomous cunt:

I, your adoring copywriter, have taken the liberty to grace your undeserving piece of shit self with a letter. I, one of the eight people who right now hate your guts, am just dropping a line to wish you well, or not so well be it as it may. Hopefully you’re enjoying your day out frolicking with the client that would gladly backfist you after having offered a high five.

You, who so candidly send revision after revision without even thinking about what the client says; you who simply say ‘ok’, ‘sure thing’, ‘whatever you need’ and ‘it’ll be done by 5:00 PM’. FUCK YOU. Fuck you and the clients you don’t stand up to. Fuck you and your cute little smiley faces on the jobs. Fuck you and your bullshit disposition. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Fuck you and your diet. Fuck you and I hope the father had stronger genes so we don’t have to put up with ANOTHER bitch tailored in fashion to you. Fuck you AND your birthday.

You stupid, moronic, mediocre halfwit. You ARE the reason why people are afraid of adopting. They secretly fear that they might get someone like you. You ARE the reason why Gattaca and DNA manipulation is being considered so as to avoid the further stunted evolution of the human race. Shit I wouldn’t be surprised if one they you start walking on all fours and peeing the carpet because you ARE that much of a bitch.

And the kicker? She’s not wrong. She’s never wrong. 9 people, one has just added him/herself to the bandwagon, are pissed at her sub-par performance as of late. Nine people, three short of a dozen in a small agency are pissed at her for sucking as an account executive and more importantly, as a person. But noooooo.. She’s NEVER wrong. We just don’t understand her, and don’t empathize with her situation. BLOW ME. I have never gotten a break over my personal situations and even when at great personal loss, I’ve gone to respond for my responsibilities even if I’ve had to hold back tears. I’ve been absent from work a grand total of two times in any type of job I’ve ever had and I’ve left early only when it couldn’t be helped, less than ten times. But she has to be absent, she’s got so many obligations and responsibilities and no one is here to be her shoulder. Oh cry me a fucking river and boo-fuckedy-hoo. Did you spill the milk? Yes. Did you mess up? Yes. Did you fuck up? Yes you did. Yet I have to be understanding of your mistakes just because you have a specific personal situation that you use as a crutch so people will pity and tolerate you more? Lovely. How bout.. no? How bout… fat chance? How bout… you’re not the only one with problems?

Love and angry sex,
Joker

Do not misunderstand me, I’m not saying that people’s situations should never be taken into consideration for x or y aspect of their job. But having a person fall back on personal issues to explain why they’re doing bad at work and justifying their less than 110% they so candidly demand from is no joke and not something I take lightly. I think it’s unfair and don’t care for putting up with someone’s bullshit just so that person can leave earlier. I don’t care because that person is the same reason why I can’t leave early because things aren’t flowing as they should. I can’t back that up because I can’t understand or justify someone leaving early while others stay behind doing work that was solicited at way past a logical hour, obeying the client’s every whim and just so that person can make sure he or she doesn’t miss American Idol.

It makes me want to have a time machine so I can murder the bitch then go back in time and brush it off as I remember the sweet moments of her last gasping breath while she drowned in the jobs she sends us. That’d be a nice super power don’t you think. No need to have a rigid conscience. Just do what you will and turn back time so it’s undone. Perfect. I would go Groundhog murder crazy on some people’s asses, but alas only wishful thinking on my part.

So in the words of a truly earnest voice…

“you may say I’m a dreamer.. but I’m not the only one.”

Since I feel like I work in a twilight zone…..

Insert Shatner tone here.

Stardate April fifth, year twenty-o-six. Would be captain’s Blog:

I have…. Encountered different beings… from a… NOther dimension. They seem… stupid beyond comprehension yet… they have a job… they have a life… and they… PROcreate irresponsibly. Starfleet has sent me on a mission to encounter and eradicate these…. CREAtures. Bones is gone researching sterilizing procedures for these beings, Spok is touching himself with his Vulcan death grip, he is …. NEAR climax and hopefully his pointy tailed semen will splatter on the eyes of these… CREAtures. Scotty is drunk off plasma and scotch, Uhuru and Chekov are having a Klingon gangbang and Sulu is going full speed ahead into some unknown young man’s black hole. Needless to say… the Crew is in disarray yet these…. CREAtures continue to mock my very existence insisting on poisoning the air I breathe with inane claims of having a profession and being excellent employees and true… TEAM players.

Ri…DIculous if you ask me, then again you might.. NOT. The point is that in this hostile territory… Some… THING is lurking up and about, clicking its heels on the dismal lunar surface of my workplace. It does not hide its presence and simply cannot accept that it’s wrong for being alive.

Phasers set on stun.. make that kill or disintegrate. Shoot on site and be sure to…. TEAbag their dead corpses… Would be Captain Jokirk signing off.

A Quiz for your Account Executive

Creatives out there! Send this to your AE's! Maybe we can figure out what the hell is wrong with them!

Dear ______________ (Insert the stupid a-hole name here). Answer honestly, yes or no only.

1) Would you like to have your salad tossed every monday by a 7 foot, tattoo filled, sweaty man?

2) You married? Great. Would you share your wife or husband with the dirtiest, scab filled crack dude or duddette out there? Only for one night?

3) Would you shave your privates and wipe them clean with rubbing alcohol for 7 straight days? How 'bout 2 weeks, and you do it in honor of the charity of your choosing?

4) Would you let me check the sex-gerbil theory with your ass? Can I tape it as well and show it on the Internet? Can I name it "The Job"?

5) Can I design a cute fiery thingy on your hot car with my keys and an X-acto knife? Can I do it to the CEO's car and say it was you as well?

Um... I guess you said no to all above, right?

THEN WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU SAY NO TO A MOTHERFUCKING CLIENT?

Have a nice day. Thank you for shopping at WAS.

What I would scream to my Client.

Joker has a point about deficient Account Executives. Those fuckers can sometimes make me want to rip my skin apart, take a bath in salt water and drink some nice Drano on ice. I've lived every single item he discussed, and it sometimes kills me to think how many of you out there are still living that hell. (I don't. We don't have AE's where we work. Prohibited.)

But... the thing is... Clients are also defective people. And here are some things that I wish I could scream at them until phlegm and blood rush out of my mouth in anger. So... Here it is.

1) YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING GRAPHIC DESIGNER.
Um. Try to think of the diploma sitting right next to you. Does it say Arts Major? Design something? No, right? Design DOES require more than good taste. You actually have to study this shit in order to be a great designer. So, the ability of picking some nice house color paints or because you colored inside the lines doesn't mean you are suddenly the greatest designer out there.

2) JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN WRITE YOUR OWN LETTERS DOESN'T MAKE YOU A COPYWRITER.
OOOOh. How I hate this. I hand over a great radio ad, for example. Suddenly I have it back by fax, with lines that no one - well, only a moron - would say. Add to that the humiliation of seeing your concept killed because all the copy points in the world have to be there. Line that I hate the most? "I re-wrote your ad. Can you check if it fits in 30 seconds?" Gosh, what I'd give to retort "Can I punch you right in the mouth with a diamond encrusted brass nuckle?"

3) YOU ARE NOT MY ONLY CLIENT.
I know you think I am just staring at my computer or grabbing my ass while I wait for your call. Um. Think again. I have many other clients. That means if you have a change or revision, or if you simply want to change something because your left nut itches, you have to wait. Besides. I need time to surf the net, download some music, pass some stupid emails, play Solitaire... and maybe then I can concentrate on your campaign.

4) IF YOU GIVE ME ONE CHANGE AT A TIME I MIGHT HAVE TO KILL YOU SLOWLY.
What is the big deal? Can't you just sit down with every single idiot that has to comment on our sorry ass ad and get all the revisions at once? No, I guess you like to make my life miserable. Little by little changes come in. Makes me wonder if this is how you work during the day... multi tasking might not be your talent.

5) I HAVE TO CHARGE FOR THAT. SORRY.
Did you change your strategy while I was designing? Did your budget suddenly got cut short? Or the prize winner: the ad is on strategy, but your dumb twit secretary didn't like it because it wasn't cute enough? Sorry. I will charge you for all this. It is YOUR fault, not mine, that you don't have a clue about anything.

And the last one...

6) GIVE ME TIME. I WILL SAVE UP SOME MONEY, OPEN A BAR AND SURRENDER YOUR SORRY ASS ACCOUNT.
This last one is basic. I mean... Anyone who actually wants to do this for their entire lives SUCKS BALLS.

Damn. If only once I could say this. Wishful hating...

Are you seriously that stupid?

This is a one sided week for me. I don’t want to be objective, I do not want to be understanding, I don’t want to be all friendly like, I don’t even want to be the best I can be… (much less in the army). I do however feel like being homicidal towards a select crew of one person who just insists on getting on my nerves.

After having a minor verbal scuffle yesterday, a co-worker, let’s call her some dumb skank, decides to go toe to toe with me after I indicate that I need help translating what she wrote in the job. This just so happens to be about the twelfth job in a two week period that is either incomplete, poorly written, has no references, is spliced into 7 papers scattered throughout the job, or has an artwork with the revisions scratched onto the artwork in handwriting that is barely legible. That being said, this is the same type of person who signs off jobs with a smiley face, or thanxxxx, or some other cute Hello Kitty BS that is more annoying than endearing as she no doubt thinks it is.

Sorry if I’m angry, bitchy, and I’m not finding things cute, but I’d much rather things being efficient than cute. I much rather bland, clearly written jobs that let me do the job right the first time instead of a lame excuse for an official document that happens to have smiley faces and hugs and kisses and all kinds of cute nifty little dimwit things I could have found cute if I were a third grade girl or a mentally retarded, gay, show tune loving, interior designer for mental wards. But since I’m not, and I’d much rather do my work instead of oh say stick around and have to chew back my vomit from looking at your pathetic moron face, why not cut the smiley faces and give me your 110%.

But no, I’m the one who has an attitude problem even if I’ve spoken with her before of the matter. Even if this has escalated from an observation, to a request, to a joke, to a rude joke, to a bitchy comment. I actually had to sit down and ask myself if I was overreacting as I often do to attempt and not be all high and mighty and myself land in an advertising cliché. But after sitting down, and thinking about it, I simply saw that an action led to a reaction and although initially calm and cool, there’s only so much stupid I can swallow in a day. Now I thought a bit more and I have to ask myself, does an account exec… scratch that, does THAT account exec ever analyze herself, (called her a skank so can’t be general now)? Does she ever go, ‘wait a minute, maybe I can do stuff differently so work comes out quicker and my client is even happier. Maybe that disgruntled arsehole of a creative has a point and maybe there’s something I can do better…’

And then I wake up, smell the coffee and remember the simple detail that the only way she can raise her total IQ is by getting pregnant.

Top 20 things I hate about deficient account executives

20. Not knowing how to write jobs. I didn’t know sacrificing grammar was part of your deal. It’s a miracle you have a job and it’s a miracle you made it past 4th grade, not to mention college.

19. Favors. I lose count of how many favors I have to do for these ingrates. Do I get real thanks? No. I’m lucky if I even get the protocolary basic thanks. Phew, lord knows with their hectic schedules, emitting a one-syllable word is hard enough.

18. Cigarette Breaks. You don’t have enough time to do all the shit you have pending but you can down a half pack of cigarettes in an average workday. Let’s see… 3 minutes per cigarette times 10 cigarettes, plus your coffee breaks that you count apart from your cigarette breaks, two and a half hour lunches and still they ask why they don’t have enough time for their tasks.

17. Leaving early while others work late. This WONDERFUL trend to leave at 6 sharp, harassing people to leave things on your desk by next morning and not needing it for another two days… you define advertising scum and I just hope karma has a party with your sorry self.

16. Scheduling everything for the same day. And then they ask why we can’t produce all the work in a timely manner.

15. Being the client’s bitch. This deserves its own blog although it’s been written countless times.

14. Irresponsible delegating. Handing off work to interns and newbies just so they have more time to spend on Ebay.

13. Pointing out every single thing you do wrong but when they mess up, it’s not their fault, they just have a lot of pressure. Hmm, double standard anyone?

12. Smiley faces on jobs. I hope you die.

11. Not wanting to negotiate deadlines. They need everything now rush, asap, yesterday or faster than two shakes of a lambs tail.

10. Losing jobs two weeks prior and then handing it to creative the day before the deadline. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve lived this.

9. Not being able to effectively explain themselves hence adding to the confusion.

8. Using jargon to sound sophisticated. No need for the masquerade buddies, I know if you’re stupid or not, regardless of if you read the dictionary in the bathroom or not.

7. Being all buddy-buddy when they need something, so unless I’m not responsible for caring for the well being of your sub-human tush, I’m worthless. Lovely.

6. Earning more money than me. This used to bother me, but ever since I changed jobs to earn what I deserve, I’ve lost this chip on my shoulder.

5. Being suck ups. That’s how I know I’d be a bad AE. Seriously, I’ve seen some bum kissing that would make you gag. Starting from crass compliments right down to laughing at lame jokes.

4. Posting bogus start dates.

3. Harassment of the non-sexual kind. We wish we could at least get fondled with the type of harassment we live through on a daily basis, but I guess getting raped doesn’t merit a reach around.

2. Getting all creative, saying the client wants a revision when it’s actually them intervening and just plain old hard headedness because they’re never wrong.

And the number one most important thing I hate about account executives.

1. Them being so consistent in letting me down as human beings. Sounds harsh, but it’s true, hence my sheer passion for good account executives that would never commit the atrocities stated here.

The importance of a foul word

Again taking into account the fact that there are some minor repercussions for utilizing foul language, one has to take into account the true strength of a word to value it and not deem it almost illegal to utilize it. Knowing this here are a few toned down examples to show how important foul language is to our way of expression:

Tony Montana interpreted through the voice of censored reason:

▪ You know what capitalism is? Gettin' filet mignoned!

▪ Gosh darn Caspar Gomez, and poop the poopie Diaz Brothers! Poop 'em all! I bury those cockaroaches!

▪ You think I kill two kids and a woman? Not that! I don't need that stuff in my life! [sees that Alberto is about to detonate the car bomb] You die, mother lover! [shoots Alberto in the face, killing him] What you think I am? What you think, I a gosh darned' worm, like you? I told you, man! I told you, don't anger me! I told you, no poopie' kids! No, but you wouldn't listen! Well, you stupid bird! Look at you now.

▪ I'm Tony Montana! You bother with me, you’re bothering with the best!
▪ You wanna bugger me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!

Kinda doesn’t have the same kick good ol tony had right? But then again, this movie was originally rated X by people who deemed it inappropriate because of its ultra violent language and fcuk friendly dialogue. To me censorship is endlessly more damaging to society than foul language, then again, this is me talking, not the whole population. I just wanted to at least show instances where you need “bad” language to get your point across and although it’s a linguistic crutch for many people, I hardly believe the artistic merit of a book, a movie or a song should be attacked do to a few or a lot of questionable words.





Image taken from Reggy's Paintings at: http://www.moviexplosion.com/xmainusa.html

Would you rather be here?

Um. Since I got a small suntan today, let's go somewhere nice and cool, shall we? I hate Mondays as hell. Even worse, I hate them because I can't be at the French Alps, France.

I should have married rich.

Photosynthesis: Me's Sunday

It can't get any better than this. A day with absolutely no clouds - well, at least until 5pm - a nice conversation by the pool, some light swimming... One for the books. Trust me.