Face it, no matter the industry, no matter the office, every company has weirdoes. I’m not talking about your garden-variety odd nut that like to rub peanut butter on their genitals; I’m talking about candidates for most likely to become a serial killer. A series of people that are at the brink and you wouldn’t be surprised if they went postal one day, hopefully a day you’re absent.
Look around, try to mildly analyze your co-workers and in a short while… THERE’S WALDO! Every place I’ve worked in, and I mean EVERY place, has at least one said character. People you once went to lunch with to make them feel like part of the group until you realize just why they bring their meals from home to feed on quietly in a dark and remote corner.
From the ludicrous to the stark mad, these seeds of destruction are planted in the system to keep a tacit balance among the workers, or they might just be damn good at what they do, (although that is not the case in quite a few cases I’ve witnessed).
A few characters I’ve seen.
Samara’s mom. PPD (post partum depression) women. I’m not talking about women who have given birth or single mothers valiantly standing up for their families. These are the obsessed who only talk of their demon children and how their lives would be different if they hadn’t been born. Sounds scary and it is and you can’t help but worry for the child every time mommy bathes them.
The Woody. Justified pedophiles. “Old enough to pee, good enough for me” is their motto. Guys you really don’t even want to show a picture of your mom much less your teen sister because they will do what they can to get their greasy mits on fresh meat.
Aaron Smith. The overly morose Cure fan. Their lives are a Staind lyric and they make Robert Smith look ecstatic. They work on med advertisements and can’t help but be more than willing to swallow the whole vial or a mouthful of lead.
Those touched by the Messiah. I actually think it’s nice to see someone with a level of faith. I can’t say I relate but I see them glow and can’t help but feel good for them, even if our views are designed to clash logic vs. faith. Now when you take this and hyperbolize it to the point where you’re getting Jesus jack hammered into your skull every day, well, let’s just say that’s not nice. Feel free to crucify yourself if you’re so much of a radical.
The tweaker. EVERY company has at least one person whose done way too much shit. This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs, this is your brain on drugs with bacon and toast, this is you eating your brain on drugs. Get the picture? Then frame it.
The overly sensitive pruny prude. It’s ok to have a set of core values and to want to defend them. But going psycho on people for having different opinions and actually plotting on how to get that person fired, well that deserves a good old tar & feathering.
The Hyperchondriac. Not hypo but hyper because they won’t shut up about how the A/C is poisoning their lungs; on how people are totally inconsiderate with their whole situation; on how mommy didn’t breastfeed them because they were despised by their mothers.
The pornographite. This person jerks more meat than Slim Jim. Porn at work, at home, in their wallet, on their cell phone, on their iPOD, on their PSP and even in the glove compartment. Here’s a stress ball buddy, let your calloused cock heal for a change.
The John Bonham. These fuckers take getting drunk to a whole other level. Can you say Red Eye, Irish Coffee and flask? They can’t either although they can kind of slur it.
The right wing extremist. They plot the end of chinks, niggers, spics, and towel heads to create a better America free of immigrants. Hmmm. Someone should tell him he’s also an immigrant, he’s just been around a little longer and his kind just happened to have guns when they arrived.
The left wing extremist. Tree hugging psychopaths that can’t help but constantly praise their efforts on saving humanity thanks to the can they recycled.
Nico the former smoker. Chewing Nicorette all day long just pisses them off all the more. Give them some of that sweet cancer or face their twitching wrath.
The list is long and nasty my friends. What other species have you seen in your workplace that scare the shit out of you because of what they are or what they could potentially do? The lines are open.
