When I look at the enormous variety of adverts we are attacked with on a daily basis, I can’t help but wish. I wish I could feel such joy and elation from drinking soda. I wish a candy bar could make me jump for joy. I wish that all my problems could vanish thanks to the low interest second mortgage that will allow me to pay all my debts and buy that new Ferrari I’ve been wanting. I wish I could have such energy and elation from drinking laxatives or wearing adult diapers. I honestly wish I could have a 24 hour smile from drinking a boner pill and of course, I wish I could live the lifestyle of your favorite beer drinker. I want a hamburger to be the end of all world problems and even I want to shave my legs and wear makeup thanks to the pristine reality these fictitious entities apparently live. I want to be “in good hands” and I need the peace of mind only a food dehydrator can offer. I want to feel the exhilaration of living “this summer”, “this memorial day”, “this coming weekend” or “this winter” while singing in that raspy movie trailer voice. I really want to play guitar from my car and I want to be part of a musical number dedicated to the bliss I receive every time I buy clothes.
I don’t want split ends, dead ends or the realization that an egg is a brain on drugs. I want to scream with ecstasy even if I do have herpes and I want to smile at life regardless of genital warts. I want to put vaginal cream and go out dancing and I want to have the freedom only a cell phone plan can offer me. I want to be extremely ripped with protein steroid cocktails and I want to be whacky because I love nuts. I want the Zen peace I can only obtain from drinking bottled water and I want the confidence only your leading tartar control toothpaste can give me.
Life got you down? No worries. Here’s a pill to be happy while also enjoying irregular heartbeats, angina, cold sores, headaches, and the delight of having the runs. I want a remedy pill that will give me forty extra ailments and I want to get all the calcium I need from an antacid. I want to learn how to draw, how to dance, how to work out, how to help myself and how to make money. No cash? No problem. At 24.99 fixed year interest, we can afford to let you think you got a deal. Oh and what joy I get from guessing of a number between 450 and 875. Credit scores rule!
And what child would ever be complete without Rexy, the anorexic toddler doll? And don’t worry people; there are plenty of token Black, Asian and Hispanic actors that will sell their services to the white collared, white skinned, white devils dedicated to bringing a pinch of diversity to their company’s advertising. And hey! If you happen to be black, you’re in luck, we have all types of chicken and tennis shoe combos for your heart’s delight. Hispanics get lucky too, Holmes! Get ready to enjoy the gusto of eating at a restaurant with the word garden in it, because hell, since all you do is fuck and procreate, you can’t help but bring the whole family. Other minorities need not apply for supposedly not being as persistent as others for recognition and not justifying the allocation of funds for an ethnic specific communication plan, tough luck. But be sure to enjoy your rice, noodles, and spice ridden food as we still insist on selling you life changing tofu, bean sprout wraps with free refills and no shipping at all.
All hemp, no meat, 300% fiber cotton linen reusable butt floss for the ideologically impaired. Don’t feel the need to generate your own thought pattern, we have and store thousands of pre-drafted, pre-screened, pre-approved sentiments to cater to any pre-conceived notion you might otherwise be tempted to think for yourself and give the system a hard time. Remember people, we’re here to help you. To help you spend your money on things you will be emotionally connected to for a grand total of six minutes forty three seconds and maybe a nanosecond or two.
These canned commercials are brought to you by an extensive line of companies that couldn’t care less for their workers or their clients, but thanks to public relations, bullshit tax deductible donations and monetary cover-ups, you know they love you. Have a wonderful day and feel free to buy what you want because you want and not because a trend dictates that you need to buy a $600 phone to use in your $28,000 car, while wearing $60 pants as you listen to music from your $400 mp3 player during the digestive process of your $15 meal. Deduct my two cents if it makes any sense at all, and enjoy the ride we call life... Such is my real wish.
With cheers, anger and good will towards my fellow person,