May 30, 2007
What’s sticky, disgusting and harder to swallow than 7 ounces of webbing jizz? The feeling I have in my webhole after watching Spider-Man 3. It’s summer time again kids and that means we get to see if the trailer cock teases we’ve been administered for months pay off in a kick ass blockbuster movie or if once again we get sucked into a cosmic heap of special effects hoopla with less fill and more hot air than a Lays Potato Chips bag.
Though some movies still loom on the horizon, quite a few have arrived and either there are mixed reviews or movies have just plain sucked worse than Anne Rice on a vampire shlong sucking binge. Spider Man 3 is the latter. I’m not sure who wrote the script, but I recommend some intensive reading material i.e.: Scriptwriting for Dummies. Also, I’m not sure when Tobey Macguire thought he’d nailed the Spider Man character down to a T but if anything’s for certain, it wasn’t in this movie.
I was warned, I was told it sucked, I was given a fair chance and in following Me’s respective warning for Pirates of the Caribbean (even though I actually enjoyed POTC), I’m telling you, unless you can feel 100% satisfied with a movie thanks to its special effects, avoid the Technicolor arachnid at all cost, especially the cost of your ticket and your popcorn.
The saddest part is that I was a huge Spider-Man comic fan at one time. I read countless iterations of the web slinging crusader (spanning endless spinoffs and countless volumes of text to read) and I loved Spidey through and through for always delivering interesting plots with your friendly neighborhood one-lining Spider-Man. Where did that Spidey magic get lost, I don’t know but here’s what I have to say about the movie: It should be considered a terrorist attack on good taste. Tacky, corny, stupid, predictable and sappier than your grandma’s douche bag. I’m talking dumb here folks. One of the poorest written scripts I’ve had the displeasure of sitting through in my life, and I’m not overdoing it, seriously. But is it that bad? Yes it is. It’s a two star movie based on visual effects galore and the portrayal of Jonah Jameson alone. Nothing else in the movie remotely chimes a nostalgic bell in my psyche. It’s amazing really and not in the Amazing Spider Man kind of way, because that my friends would have ruled.
I can’t figure out how they can see someone nail a part such as Jonah so convincingly and have everyone else just blow. OH! and I do mean everyone. If I had to nitpick, the only other exception in the movie would be Aunt Mae, that’s it. Spidey sucked, Sandman sucked, The Green Goblin sucked, Mary Jane sucked and swallowed and Venom REALLY sucked. It was a suckathon on who could deliver the cheesiest line or cry in the dumbest fashion for over two hours of predictable clichéd antics.
To make matters worst, there are a series of scenes that just insult me to the verge of crying. Tobey decides to pelvic thrust his loins through most of lower Manhattan and later deliver a would be “The Mask” dance routine that had me gagging worse than Glenda the Donkey Show dancer during her living Kielbasa sword swallowing routine.
What’s worse though? Every fucking villain in the Spidey movie franchise has turned out to have feelings and have been more often than not willing to pet puppies and help old ladies cross the street while drinking cocoa rather than kicking ass and taking names. Venom is the obvious exception but they made him that “mean” because everyone else has turned out to be such a wuss. Green Goblin ended up being a character struggling with his duality and leaning to a would be life of being the Keebler Goblin; Doc Oc turned out to be a total octopussy, Sandman was made of pixie dust and Venom felt more like some angry whiny morose goth clothes wearing diaper rash inducing teen rather than anything remotely villainous. Actually, most characterizations were like some shitty Saved by the Bell moment extended past two hours but sans Zack’s beautifully blowdried bleached bangs.
The point is the movie is a threat to civil rights and should genuinely be avoided. No cleverness or love was put into the script of this movie and once again we were cock slapped by the trailer that promised an adventure of epic proportions. The only way that last statement is true is if you refer to Epic Movie for the definition of ‘epic’ (another heaving pile of shit I was lucky to avoid watching). The funniest part though is that Kirsten Dunst insists that a Spider Man movie without her or Tobey would not sell one seat in a theatre because they ARE what makes Spider Man……… To this last bit of info I have only two words to offer the once gorgeous Ms. Dunst… You cunt. Correction, three words: you POMPOUS cunt. If I had a say in this, I think the BEST thing that could happen to the Spidey franchise was to lose this half assed Mary Jane. Read the comics people, Dunst blows in her “interpretation”… oh and she doesn’t look like Mary Jane either. So though I’m sure at least two people would weep at the loss of your portrayals, fans of good acting will rejoice and celebrate by breaking Dunst piñatas while spitting good riddance.
So what’s the Final Verdict? The Itsy Bitsy Spider can suck my water spout.
Posted by Joker at 2:37 AM