Lest you think I’m referring to only men, fuckwads can be male or female and in advertising there are hundreds of assholes you’d love to literally shit on. The next best thing for me is to write a post so here’s my top ten fuckwads I’d love to shit on. (By the way, YES this is inspired by Charlie Brooker’s New Ten Cocks and She Cocks posted on scamp’s blog. Feel free to check out the spot by clicking the title of the link. This disclaimer is to avoid any plagiarism issues a la Brava Bunny advert but it’s my take on why hate in advertising.)
Also, some recent posts were a tad too introspective and didn’t contain the gratuitous albeit unnecessary slurs so prevalent in previous posts. Consider this my way of making up for lost cussing.
And now… the list:
10. Men with ED. Your schlong doesn’t get perky… but you get paid for admitting it on TV. Good for you, really. It’s great to see these guys put on the “I’ll have the magnum condoms” face while their fictional partners are all giddy that their celebrity flaccidness is no more and they’ll finally feel something tickle two seconds before they blow their wad.
9. Yazzie Dazzie bitches. Anyone who knows THAT much information about birth control is guaranteed to puncture her diaphragm to get palimony. Is that a sexist comment? You bet your ass it is, but it doesn’t change the fact that these commercials annoy the shit out of me. Birth Control is not something girls chit chat about or so I kid myself into believing. Females, please tell me to go fuck myself if you happen to have Yaz tea parties. I just think it’s an unrealistic portrayal of women and I always have a problem with that.
8. Soothing voiceovers that tell me the 71,000 side effects of taking bullshit medicine. Yeah, I can sleep or feel ten times better about my sore shoulder, but what was that about me pissing through my asshole or keeling over?
7. Kirstie Alley…. Great… you just need to balloon every year and lose weight to get paid. Nothing like binging and purging to send out the right message to young women all around the world. I really, really, REALLY hate this campaign since it’s yet another one of those ads that make women feel like shit about themselves. Fuck you and the Nordic Track you rode in on.
6. Jared….. This deserves its own post. I’d love to spit roast Jared so hungry cannibals could get their fill from his soul.
5. Anyone and I mean ANYONE who has appeared in an Olive Garden commercial. The commercials suck, you suck for being in them and I’m just glad you got paid for doing them.
4. That cell phone douche bag and his network. Yeah I get it, you’re a cross between French Stewart and Carson Daily. You can still suck my balls any day of the week. Can you blow me now?
3. Any woman dancing with a yeast infection or that recently had it cured. It seems people feel the need to dance if they have yeast infections, wear tampons, used to be constipated or have severe hemorrhoids.
2. The “Head On” thrice instruction and brand name repeating Turd Swallower…. Head On, Apply directly to your clitoris and leave me the fuck alone. Head On, Apply directly to your clitoris and leave me the fuck alone. Head On, Apply directly to your clitoris and leave me the fuck alone.
1. I’m thinking about a number between 250 and 750…. Know what it is? The amount of times I’d love to stab you. God I hate that little freckled prick. Three rounds, no holds barred, bring it bitch.
So what ads do you hate? Feel free to share.