Nov 14, 2007

Fuck you and the portfolio you rode in on

When you think about interviews a lot of things can go through your mind? Will I make a good impression? Is my résumé up to snuff? Will they call me? Those are some of the things that might go through your mind if you’re an average Joe. But this post isn’t about an average Joe who worries about normal things. This post is dedicated to the cocksure people who breeze through interviews and cash in on 6-12 months of mediocre work by having one fantastic portfolio.

Odds are you’ve met a few of these puss buckets that depend on their portfolio as their claim to fame, higher salaries and job positions. It’s not to say that you shouldn’t have a great portfolio. Lord knows without one you’re probably shit out of luck in finding a descent job these days, but it’s also saying be a little more thoughtful with what you include in your portfolio. Why do I feel the need to do this? Well there’s one particular shit face in my professional life which is a hack as a professional and more so as a human. Trust me, if you want shit work done yet sold to the client through pure bullshit, this is your person.

This particular “professional” in question just so happens to have a great portfolio and to be able to talk themself one mean spittle of bullshit. By what is stated previously, lets focus on the portfolio first. You flip through it, you’re impressed, good art direction, smart copy. Why not hire this guy on the spot? Oh wait, did you verify if this person REALLY did the job? That’s the funny part most people who interview don’t take the time to make a cross check and verify the “award winning material” they bring within their portfolio. This particular hack has a knack for including artwork he never had anything to do, but since he was in the same agency, he can obviously claim the idea as his. To boot this up a notch or two, when was the last time someone in your interview even made sure the artwork you presented was in your agency when you “worked” there? (By work I mean steal money by looking busy, but that’s a whole other post). Ok so you take it in good faith that what was presented is genuinely that person’s work. Do you think they’d ever think to ask how you came about that concept to at least push you to come up with bullshit on the spot?? Nah, everyone is trustworthy and this person can’t possibly be a hack. This particular douche in question has an entire portfolio worth of other people’s work, and it could have been found out with just a little bit more malice.

The there’s the detail about talking bullshit. If I’ve noticed anything, is that there are several similarities between the way hack surfers talk and the way hack creatives talk. Fictitious scenarios that did not occur, conditions that were nowhere to be seen and delirious stories of grandeur that had no witnesses because they fly solo. How fucking convenient.

Yeah, I remember when I got this idea for a Cannes.

Man, you should have seen this monster set I pulled into.

You’re right; I should have seen it. I would have loved to see it. But I can’t because you weren’t there, it didn’t happen and your bullshit is only candy coat thick and I can see right through it after working with you for two weeks.

Then again, stupid am I for insisting on putting my work, my accomplishments and my experience on a resume/portfolio combo. I should just rip out a few pages from archive and say I did that on my summer trip to Japan, where I also slew a dragon defending Princess Kiku. But since I’m an idiot and I have the decency to show what little I’ve been able to make, I always insist on calling references, something apparently NO ONE does if you put ‘em on a résumé. Hell, even asking for the number of the old company and checking out if they even worked there. Nah, this stranger is Kosher, seems likable and makes me want to spend an extra twenty grand because they sound so convincing. What a crock.

But hey, if our job is pretty much the dedicated development and implementation of bullshit to cause people to do what they don’t want to and buy what they don’t need, who am I to criticize someone who’s so good at advertising that they can even sell themselves even if they are a piece of shit?


RestrictionsApply said...

I know of many agencies in the States that assign a small project to the person who is being interviewed. They actually hand you a creative brief and give you two weeks to come up with something.

The good thing about this is that it gives you a chance to evaluate the person's talent, efficiency, thought process and presentation skills. It's very difficult to bullshit your way through that...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...