The Secret of Suck-cess

You want a better job? Do you want more money? Do you want a promotion? Hold your horses my friend. I have the PERFECT solution for you. That’s right if you want to get ahead in this dog-eat-dog world I have the perfect formula for you to achieve your wildest dream: Be an asshole.

That’s right. Be a no good scum sucking, brown nosing, bullshitting douche bag and I GUARANTEE your success. Are you working late? Giving that 110%? Doing your best to be a team player? YOU IDIOT!!! You don’t know what your doing, the time your squandering and the energy you are wasting for having morals and a genuine sense of responsibility. What you need to do is not give a shit, ABOUT ANYTHING. Not even your personal projects because the second you show commitment and passion, game over.

Truly, why prove yourself when you can simply brush off criticism by saying that others are just envious of your prowess, beauty and grace. Any job is not about showing what you can give to a company but what you can cost a company, because THAT’S how you show how much you’re worth. Right in the penny pinching pockets of your bosses. No mistakes, no fuckups, no re-sending of an artwork, no boards wasted on a half assed concept you spent the whole of half an hour “thinking of”? Are you nuts? You need to fuck up constantly, not get along well with your peers, come off as a total idiot at what you do and as a total hack because that’s how you’ll make the big bucks, by being another agent of mindless bureaucracy and by looking busy rather than being busy.

This is the lesson I’ve learnt this week. Good intentions pave the well to hell while mediocrity gets a helping hand. The lack of logic to such a scenario is beyond my comprehension but hey, who am I to know what an owner, a supervisor or any of my superiors do and why they do it. Hell why do I even think giving my opinion will make any type of a difference? It won’t. Because I’m a little insipid worker bee with potential but the lack of foresight to see how giving a piece of shit a second chance is beneficial to a company, a team or lest we forget the favorite phrase of a company when they want to fuck you on an emotional level, a “family”.

Family…. right. Family doesn’t take shitty people back. Just ask Fredo if he got a second chance? Nope, nada. That’s because a company is not your family. You might take some relationships that are like family but a COMPANY? Trust me, a company is NOT your family.

So remember boys and girls, if you want to make it big in a company, be a piece of shit. Here’s four reasons why:

1.) A piece of shit cannot be ignored.
2.) If you’re a nasty piece of shit, trust me you’ll be remembered for the rest of people’s lives.
3.) No matter how many people insist, you won’t hit the fan when the real shit does.
4.) It’s easier and you don’t have to resort to explosive posts so you don’t murder a couple of people.