Feb 7, 2007
Meet the Jackass.
Let's start with the basics. You know that in your agency or at your client's office there is always a... how can I put this... dumb cocky asshole. You know the ones. They think they are the shit. They even try their best to do the trend thing. They have the perfect life, marriage or whatever... And most of all, they know everything. Any input you might give them is like air, it just there and they don't see it. Ah... what would we do without them.
Anyway, now that you know who I am talking about, let's give you a story that a friend of mine told me. Enjoy.
There is a big pitch. This is major stuff. The work has been done to perfection, the campaign is totally on strategy. This is a win win situation, or so they thought. There is no way in hell that this won't work. Everybody is happy, it's the day before the big thing. In walks asshole master blaster. I have a great idea and I want you to include it in your presentation.
Let's see what is is!
Um. Ugh. Um. (Huge sigh). Well... um.
Just in case you are wondering, the creative team was speechless. This was a terrible idea. So tacky, so boring, so done already... How bad? I will give you a great one that can substitute perfectly his (I can't say the real deal, sorry): Let's do a tv spot with a jingle; (he proceeds to play What the world needs now is love) where all people are singing while holding hands at a mountain and then, doves will fly out of the center and make the logo at the end.
Crappy enough, right?
They were in serious jeopardy, because all you need is a shitty idea to destroy a perfect campaign. What to do, what to do. Well, ignoring stuff works from time to time. You can always say you forgot, no? Next day comes. Big presentation on its way. Everybody is smiling. We love it, they say. But of course, the team thought.
In comes Jackass. Idea in hand. He blurts it out. Everyone shuts up. Why? Shame. It was so crappy you could feel the shame all over the conference room. They were in shock that he actually wanted to share this stupid idea, that he thought that it was the bomb... but actually it made him look bad. Way bad. Moron bad. Low IQ bad. Good thing this client knows a thing or two and knows that in every meeting there is a person who truly should not be there, but since he has talent in the I can kiss your ass better than anyone department, he's there.
Why is this a law of life? I have mine. All my ad friends (how crappy that sounds) have one or even more of those. How is it possible that bosses don't see the true crap flowing from their mouths? Do you ever wonder this yourself? How is it that you plainly see the lack of potential so much and your boss can't? Besides... what do they do to stay there? I know that some manipulate information to look good, but I find it difficult to believe that the truth will not come out one day soon.
I wish that one CEO would write back and explain this one, 'cause this question has burned my soul for many years...
My Favorite SuperBowl Commercial
This is, in my book, award winning material. Screw witty. This has it all and a band at the end. What more can you ask for?That was the top winner. And the runner ups were:
Feb 5, 2007
Defining Justice
In my short life, I’ve been accused of being a pessimist, of being a potential manic depressive, of being the party pooper and of never giving society a fighter’s chance in my judgment. Given what I’ve seen, what I’ve read and what I’ve lived in less than 30 years, I think I have a case in regards to defending my opinion that the thing we used to be able to call justice has become a moral unicorn far removed from our collective reality.
Justice. What exactly is it? Much like love, it’s an intangible element, an indefinable, unpalpable idea that thanks to social mores, historical developments and the evolution of an incomprehensibly unjust legal system, reaches all time lows on a daily basis. What is justice? Is it hanging Saddam Hussein for war crimes? Fair enough, but what about our political leaders and the atrocities they’ve hidden, garnished, approved, or omitted from public history? They get off the hook, they get pardons, they get reelected. And that’s just in the political spectrum of things.
Enter lawsuits. People suing companies and other people for the dumbest things ever. Coffee too hot? Broke your ankle after you jumped three steps because you were in a hurry? No worries, we have the quick cash you need to continue not offering anything worthwhile to the world at large. Want to sue your neighbor’s dad because thanks to his intervention you were expelled from a school? No problem. We have you covered. Wait, did you actually murder inlaws and your wife? Sit back and relax, your fellow police officers will bail you out, no questions asked, the file neatly tucked beneath an obscure rug in the basement that we’ll be sealing off once we fill it with enough bogus case files.
Are you a trespasser, robber, and property destroyer who had an accident in the house of the person you wanted to rob? Don’t worry, you’re a victim and the legal system is here because it cares. It cares about freeing criminals or the guilty that can pay for their freedom or give the get out of jail free card. It cares about overtaxing the underpaid. It cares about giving parking tickets and traffic violations yet fails to look out for your best interest when you get mugged. Made a mistake in your tax form? Enjoy the ride because only tax evaders can get the “harsh” treatment of being offered slack and then some.
If you hadn’t noticed, you live in a society where whiners, back stabbers, and ass kissers succeed instead of having to run through a spiked dildo gauntlet. You also live in a society that caters to whoever pays the most or whoever sells their ass cheapest. That’s the law of the land. You can pay your way into or out of any situation as long as you speak to key figures. Got cash? We got all you need to survive. We got the health services that should be free of charge. No health plan? Good luck surviving. That’s the only industry that doesn’t take cash in hand from a desperate person in need of attention. Have cancer, take dialysis, suffer from diabetes, afflicted with Parkinson’s, got AIDS? Then perfect, because that means you’re a cash cow we can squeeze, and squeeze until every last cent has been given so we can murder your quality of life and offer treatment rather than a cure. Whoever heard of cures making money? And who has time to get a cure? We’re too busy bombing the shit out of people, enforcing the law to where it’s most convenient and cost efficient and exploring Mars and Neptune for when we have to move the fuck off the Earth thanks to the US government constantly sanctioning irresponsible waste disposal and approving the further demolition of woodlands that just might be the source of oxygen, that when taken away will produce enough asthma cases to promote pharmaceuticals to gain even more money while the middle and lower classes of the human race will just have to evolve to where we process nitrogen better.
Interested in sodomizing small children? We have the clergy of your choice or your Asian or Eastern European destination of preference, where morality and justice are even more of a punch line than on the Western Hemisphere. Remember too, blacks are looters while whites are survivors. Lord knows that them black folk just want water and food during a natural disasters to shine their grilles, because heaven knows that the US isn’t racist anymore. We’re also tolerant to gay rights, Muslims and respect women’s rights on a daily basis. We don’t objectify females and brain wash them into believing they all have weight issues. Heaven forbid that. We also don’t condone racial segregation, discrimination or screening, and that’s all because we live in a country where justice is paramount.
But I’m a pessimist, I’m a self demoralizing sadist in search of company in my misery. Lord knows I wouldn’t want the world to be a better place and of course I would hate for there to be peace, tolerance, understanding and genuine evolution of humankind. So feel free to suck your unopposable thumbs and enjoy the charade because it keeps getting better everyday people. The land of the free yet taxable and the home of the brave when it comes to other people’s children.
Justice. What exactly is it? Much like love, it’s an intangible element, an indefinable, unpalpable idea that thanks to social mores, historical developments and the evolution of an incomprehensibly unjust legal system, reaches all time lows on a daily basis. What is justice? Is it hanging Saddam Hussein for war crimes? Fair enough, but what about our political leaders and the atrocities they’ve hidden, garnished, approved, or omitted from public history? They get off the hook, they get pardons, they get reelected. And that’s just in the political spectrum of things.
Enter lawsuits. People suing companies and other people for the dumbest things ever. Coffee too hot? Broke your ankle after you jumped three steps because you were in a hurry? No worries, we have the quick cash you need to continue not offering anything worthwhile to the world at large. Want to sue your neighbor’s dad because thanks to his intervention you were expelled from a school? No problem. We have you covered. Wait, did you actually murder inlaws and your wife? Sit back and relax, your fellow police officers will bail you out, no questions asked, the file neatly tucked beneath an obscure rug in the basement that we’ll be sealing off once we fill it with enough bogus case files.
Are you a trespasser, robber, and property destroyer who had an accident in the house of the person you wanted to rob? Don’t worry, you’re a victim and the legal system is here because it cares. It cares about freeing criminals or the guilty that can pay for their freedom or give the get out of jail free card. It cares about overtaxing the underpaid. It cares about giving parking tickets and traffic violations yet fails to look out for your best interest when you get mugged. Made a mistake in your tax form? Enjoy the ride because only tax evaders can get the “harsh” treatment of being offered slack and then some.
If you hadn’t noticed, you live in a society where whiners, back stabbers, and ass kissers succeed instead of having to run through a spiked dildo gauntlet. You also live in a society that caters to whoever pays the most or whoever sells their ass cheapest. That’s the law of the land. You can pay your way into or out of any situation as long as you speak to key figures. Got cash? We got all you need to survive. We got the health services that should be free of charge. No health plan? Good luck surviving. That’s the only industry that doesn’t take cash in hand from a desperate person in need of attention. Have cancer, take dialysis, suffer from diabetes, afflicted with Parkinson’s, got AIDS? Then perfect, because that means you’re a cash cow we can squeeze, and squeeze until every last cent has been given so we can murder your quality of life and offer treatment rather than a cure. Whoever heard of cures making money? And who has time to get a cure? We’re too busy bombing the shit out of people, enforcing the law to where it’s most convenient and cost efficient and exploring Mars and Neptune for when we have to move the fuck off the Earth thanks to the US government constantly sanctioning irresponsible waste disposal and approving the further demolition of woodlands that just might be the source of oxygen, that when taken away will produce enough asthma cases to promote pharmaceuticals to gain even more money while the middle and lower classes of the human race will just have to evolve to where we process nitrogen better.
Interested in sodomizing small children? We have the clergy of your choice or your Asian or Eastern European destination of preference, where morality and justice are even more of a punch line than on the Western Hemisphere. Remember too, blacks are looters while whites are survivors. Lord knows that them black folk just want water and food during a natural disasters to shine their grilles, because heaven knows that the US isn’t racist anymore. We’re also tolerant to gay rights, Muslims and respect women’s rights on a daily basis. We don’t objectify females and brain wash them into believing they all have weight issues. Heaven forbid that. We also don’t condone racial segregation, discrimination or screening, and that’s all because we live in a country where justice is paramount.
But I’m a pessimist, I’m a self demoralizing sadist in search of company in my misery. Lord knows I wouldn’t want the world to be a better place and of course I would hate for there to be peace, tolerance, understanding and genuine evolution of humankind. So feel free to suck your unopposable thumbs and enjoy the charade because it keeps getting better everyday people. The land of the free yet taxable and the home of the brave when it comes to other people’s children.
Feb 3, 2007
Fifth and Final of the Top Five Joker Top Ten Lists from 2006
Top ten most hazardous things for your health in 2006
10. Your TIVO
Insomnia, obesity, muscle atrophy, viscuos fat filled blood, purple baggy eyes, and a 20% rise in divorce rates are thanks to TIVO. Don’t look for another culprit, there isn’t any.
9. Taco Bell
Fuck the Curse of Montezuma, these fuckers would kill you WITHOUT kindness. Not to mention the heightened levels of sodium in customers’ blood flow, their products were tainted with a lot more than love. Yo NO quiero taco bell.
8. Watching the View
You became dumber. Period.
7. Work
Always in every list, work shall always be hazardous to health ESPECIALLY if you work in advertising. Remedies are still being looked for but no luck thus far except taking shrooms, smoking weed, and living the hermit life with a llama named Wally.
6. Being insured
With All State you’re in good hands… good hands that choke you, slap you in the face, give you the finger and mimic the letter ‘W’ when you say it’s unfair that you weren’t really covered when hurricanes hit the year before.
5. Having sex with the Burger King
He can give you ecoli, salmonella or herpes. Not to mention giving you thigh chafe from face fucking that plastic head. The fucker fascinates and frightens me all in one unspoken sentence. Him being mute screws with my head too. What I wouldn't give to see him and the Hamburglar square off in the Octagon.
4. Spinach
Popeye is fucked and people with a leafy obsession will have to bear being laughed at by the 90 year old chronic smoker who lives on a diet of pork fat, screw top wine and Tums.
3. Carrot juice
Higher on the list than spinach for sheer risk factor. A tainted batch of carrot juice was causing irreparable paralysis or death. Sorry, but I’d rather a hefty case of dysentery than those options. Something tells me Carrot Top jizzed in a big vat of juice.
2. Flu vaccine
Mimicking the 70’s and other times in World history, more people die from the vaccine for the ailment than from the ailment. Just another way pharmaceuticals try to get money and show they have no conscience in regards to the populace. First Swine Flu Vaccines, now Bird Flu Vaccines and pretty soon, Red Walrus Penis Flu Vaccines. WTF?
1. Nintendo Wii Remote
Not only did Nintendo make a system that seems to be genuinely poised to fuck over the competition, they also made the remote sturdy enough to kill people through blunt trauma. Quality people, you have to love it.
10. Your TIVO
Insomnia, obesity, muscle atrophy, viscuos fat filled blood, purple baggy eyes, and a 20% rise in divorce rates are thanks to TIVO. Don’t look for another culprit, there isn’t any.
9. Taco Bell
Fuck the Curse of Montezuma, these fuckers would kill you WITHOUT kindness. Not to mention the heightened levels of sodium in customers’ blood flow, their products were tainted with a lot more than love. Yo NO quiero taco bell.
8. Watching the View
You became dumber. Period.
7. Work
Always in every list, work shall always be hazardous to health ESPECIALLY if you work in advertising. Remedies are still being looked for but no luck thus far except taking shrooms, smoking weed, and living the hermit life with a llama named Wally.
6. Being insured
With All State you’re in good hands… good hands that choke you, slap you in the face, give you the finger and mimic the letter ‘W’ when you say it’s unfair that you weren’t really covered when hurricanes hit the year before.
5. Having sex with the Burger King
He can give you ecoli, salmonella or herpes. Not to mention giving you thigh chafe from face fucking that plastic head. The fucker fascinates and frightens me all in one unspoken sentence. Him being mute screws with my head too. What I wouldn't give to see him and the Hamburglar square off in the Octagon.
4. Spinach
Popeye is fucked and people with a leafy obsession will have to bear being laughed at by the 90 year old chronic smoker who lives on a diet of pork fat, screw top wine and Tums.
3. Carrot juice
Higher on the list than spinach for sheer risk factor. A tainted batch of carrot juice was causing irreparable paralysis or death. Sorry, but I’d rather a hefty case of dysentery than those options. Something tells me Carrot Top jizzed in a big vat of juice.
2. Flu vaccine
Mimicking the 70’s and other times in World history, more people die from the vaccine for the ailment than from the ailment. Just another way pharmaceuticals try to get money and show they have no conscience in regards to the populace. First Swine Flu Vaccines, now Bird Flu Vaccines and pretty soon, Red Walrus Penis Flu Vaccines. WTF?
1. Nintendo Wii Remote
Not only did Nintendo make a system that seems to be genuinely poised to fuck over the competition, they also made the remote sturdy enough to kill people through blunt trauma. Quality people, you have to love it.
Fourth of the Top Five Joker Top Ten Lists from 2006
Top Ten Things that Made me gag in 2006
10. Nicole Ritchie
When I can have the displeasure of seeing you digest an entire meal, it’s a good sign to start eating. Please someone throw this human guppy a piece of chicken or something.
10. Nicole Ritchie
When I can have the displeasure of seeing you digest an entire meal, it’s a good sign to start eating. Please someone throw this human guppy a piece of chicken or something.
A picture was not able to be provided so here is an artist rendering of Ms. Ritchie at the moment.
@
- - <--- I'm not skinny, I'm just small boned.
/ \
9. The Price for a PS3
When your competition sells its product at less than half of your price, some people won’t be able to help if they hurl at the prospect of giving the month's rent to be able to buy a videogame console. Oh but it plays Blue Ray discs….. yay… can it give head? No. Then sorry, I can’t afford you.
8. Saw 3
I liked this flick a lot. Had a few interesting twists… pun intended. If you saw this movie you definitely know how to push your gag factor as it offered some of the most gruesome scenes I’ve ever had the nauseating pleasure of enjoying.
7. Jackass 2
These fuckers one upped Saw and showed me what no self respect, lots of beer and cocaine can let you do. Fucking yikessssss…
6. George W. wanting more troops for Iraq
It’s not enough to have already sacrificed enough lives for a vain cause when in reality it’s just a super power race of who’ll get the strategic placement in the Middle East. Sorry if I don’t bite into the whole war on terror BS, but why don’t you just openly say your actions are an attempt to undermine Chinese, Soviet, Korean and any other super power’s intentions? Between Black Gold and Red Warfare, we’ll weaken local responsive power just enough to continue to tempt some of the world’s leading psychos to start the nuclear game and invite possible invasion. Thank you for saying you care, but unless there’s something to offer, East Timor, Grenada, Cuba, Nicaragua, Argentina, Chile and countless other countries shall all be the evidence to show how much you care about the world at large when a country is not against you but not on your team.
5. North Korea “tests” missiles
Anyone else feel a damp spot in your shorts after Kim Jong publicly admitted nuclear testing? I know I did.
4. Mark Foley
Our government should start screening their officials a bit better. One thing is to be an alcoholic. Another is to sleep with white house personnel or your particular brand of hooker. But when you visit sites soliciting sex with same sex minors, it just sends the wrong message to a country that’s being told gay marriage is unholy. So in a sum up, gay marriage is wrong, but sodomizing ill supervised minors is good. Double standards are so funny at times.
3. Rosie O’Donnell
I used to be a decent Rosie fan but her actions last year alone are enough to get me angry enough to want to vomit and to mention her in a few of the top ten's from '06. Be it to generate ratings via fake fights, or being real fights that generated ratings, having people spew their opinion in such a manner, while constantly losing verbal fisticuffs with people that didn’t enjoy your verbal point of view sucks bad. While I do agree that there is still a large degree of religious, sexually oriented, and ethnic intolerance, I can’t say that everything said has to do with gay people and their sufferings and instead of saying shit about local people, maybe you’d like to focus on Russia’s intolerance toward a gay demonstration rather than nitpicking comments made after Clay did something that would have elicited a physical bitch slap response from my part. And it has NOTHING to do with him being gay, I just think it disrespectful to put your hand over someone’s mouth or even touch their face when clearly not being on the welcome list. Get over your gay righteousness and get back to entertaining. Me and my Black, Gay, Jewish, Asian and Hispanic friends will thank you for it.
2. Panic at the Disco
“A band that plays with a lot of drama”. What the fuck does this mean, I don’t know. But this fruity band that insists on them revolutionizing the genre to the point where they aren’t rock can gladly toss their own salad. Sorry guys, but coming from a Pearl Jam fan, there is no reason whatsoever not to hate you. Tolerate, maybe. But enjoy you on TV with your cute highlights and drama vision, hell no. Good luck growing a dick.
1. Work
Ah yes.. the come one come all debacle ridden bullshit fiasco known as work. I’m sure I’m not the only one sick with it but I’m also sure I’m not the only one that needs it to pay the rent. Oh well, shit happens, and work is shit, so work happens and we take Zantac and Tums to cope with the woohaa reality we insist we love. Too bad I don’t believe in the lotto. But I do believe in dreams, which would prompt people to accuse me of being a dreamer… but I’m not the only one.
Cheers.
Third Top Five Joker Top Ten lists of 2006
Top Ten Comebacks from 2006
10. Curious George
Though it could be debated over if George got to see the Man in the Yellow Hat banging a series of Nevada Hookers, my infant nostalgia couldn’t help but actually smile at him making a come back. Call me silly, sentimental, stupid or whatnot, but I’d choose the monkey over a fucking Tele Tuby ANY day of the fucking week.
9. Weird Al Yankovic
Seems every time Weird al comes out with a new album, people call it a come back when in reality he has always been around. He’s put on the list just for the fact that people have a short attention span and don’t realize he’s never away for more than 3 years.
8. Oleg Maskaev- Shannon Briggs
If you saw the Rahman-Maskaev or Briggs-Liakhovich boxing bouts, you were treated to lackluster bouts until the last two rounds where both Briggs and Maskaev knocked out their opponents because the other guys fucked up. Maskaev got dominated early, gained momentum and ultimately knocked Rahman out thanks mainly to the efforts in rounds 11 and 12 and Briggs sucked during his whole match until he landed about four thudding blows to send an opponent crashing onto the floor… that’s the arena floor since he knocked Laikhovic out of the ring, an opponent who’d schooled him in a sucky match. Not a thing of beauty, but noteworthy to see these guys putting the effort in so late in the match. Now if they could do it earlier….
7. Andy Irons
Ok, I’m not an Andy Irons fan. I think he’s a hell of a surfer but I also think he comes off as a dick more often than naught. Be it real or not, maybe in essence he’s a cool guy, but he’s been portrayed as the villain against Kelly Slater and like another of the sheep, I’ve gobbled it up because he’s given enough reason for people to think he’s a whiny bitch, a sore loser and a guy you can easily love to hate. That being said, his performance this year in the Pipe Championship showed the guy is a hell of a surfer, an intense competitor and the only person that can defeat Kelly Slater decisively. Kudos. I look forward to this year’s tour and your continued rivalry with Kelly. After all, what would an Ali be without a Frazier.
6. James Bond
I confess I didn’t see the movie, but this was touted as a hell of a comeback for the man who now doesn’t give a flying fuck if it’s shaken or stirred. It was also decidedly the largest amount of female underwear ever to spontaneously combust during showings of a movie.
5. Darren Aronofsky
Three movies to his name and mixed reviews galore for his last endeavor. I don’t care what most people said; I loved The Fountain and am convinced it’s one of the best scores I’ve heard in a long time. I call this a comeback because Aronofsky showed what a real high quality human being does when they face adversity, they don’t call it quits on their visions or dreams. They don’t accept defeat. They stick through and follow their gut for however much blasting they get from people. Overrated? Some might say. But I can’t help but not care about popular belief and focus on how much I like his work.
4. Pearl Jam
It's a bird, it's plane, it's an Avocado? Yes my friends. It's Pearl Jam. They never left, but a lot of people did walk out on PJ. I’ve bought all their albums, seen them live three times and give my humblest thanks as a fan. Prior to ‘06’s self titled avocado extravaganza, they’d put out two records most people were scratching their heads at, but with ‘Pearl Jam’, the band showed that being over 40 only means that their balls are a bit more musky but that they can shred fifty times harder than bands half their age. Story of the Year, My Chemical Romance, Sum 41, Angels and Airwaves… all feel free to commit suicide.
3. Eddie Murphy
Whoever thought he could recover from The Haunted Mansion and the Adventures of Pluto Nash? I didn’t; and he’s proved many wrong thanks to an intense performance in Dreamgirls that has Oscar buzz written all over it and the trailer for his upcoming comedy Norbit. Is he back? Yes for now. Let’s just hope he can give Steve Martin a few pointers on what the fuck to do with his career. Too hot for the hot tub? Let's frigging hope so.
2. Rocky
Being a child of the 80’s, I grew up with Rocky III and IV. I suffered the loss of Apollo and roared at the knockout of Mr. T. I also wept after seeing Rocky V and how much it sucked (in large part due to Tommy Gunn and the anticlimactic street fight). Rocky Balboa reminded me why I loved Rocky so much. Thanks Rocko. I hope I’m able to do as you and always get up no matter how bad my ass gets whooped.
1. Nintendo
People have counted the big N out ever since N64. They’ve offered seventy thousand game boy versions and the ho-hum (actually quite decent) Game Cube. But with the Nintendo DS and the Nintendo Wii… EVERYONE is peeing their pants, either from joy or fear. Over 3,000,000 units sold worldwide for the Wii. Wii would definitely like to play. Nuff said.
NOTABLE MENTION:
The Colts
I know it was in ’07 but if you’re a football fan AND a Colts fan, you STILL have a hardon from two weeks ago's Colts VS New England game. Overcoming a 21-3 deficit to slam NE in the ass and go to the Super Bowl. Mad props to the Colts but one thing…. I’m still rooting for DA BEARSSSSSS. Long live DITKAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
10. Curious George
Though it could be debated over if George got to see the Man in the Yellow Hat banging a series of Nevada Hookers, my infant nostalgia couldn’t help but actually smile at him making a come back. Call me silly, sentimental, stupid or whatnot, but I’d choose the monkey over a fucking Tele Tuby ANY day of the fucking week.
9. Weird Al Yankovic
Seems every time Weird al comes out with a new album, people call it a come back when in reality he has always been around. He’s put on the list just for the fact that people have a short attention span and don’t realize he’s never away for more than 3 years.
8. Oleg Maskaev- Shannon Briggs
If you saw the Rahman-Maskaev or Briggs-Liakhovich boxing bouts, you were treated to lackluster bouts until the last two rounds where both Briggs and Maskaev knocked out their opponents because the other guys fucked up. Maskaev got dominated early, gained momentum and ultimately knocked Rahman out thanks mainly to the efforts in rounds 11 and 12 and Briggs sucked during his whole match until he landed about four thudding blows to send an opponent crashing onto the floor… that’s the arena floor since he knocked Laikhovic out of the ring, an opponent who’d schooled him in a sucky match. Not a thing of beauty, but noteworthy to see these guys putting the effort in so late in the match. Now if they could do it earlier….
7. Andy Irons
Ok, I’m not an Andy Irons fan. I think he’s a hell of a surfer but I also think he comes off as a dick more often than naught. Be it real or not, maybe in essence he’s a cool guy, but he’s been portrayed as the villain against Kelly Slater and like another of the sheep, I’ve gobbled it up because he’s given enough reason for people to think he’s a whiny bitch, a sore loser and a guy you can easily love to hate. That being said, his performance this year in the Pipe Championship showed the guy is a hell of a surfer, an intense competitor and the only person that can defeat Kelly Slater decisively. Kudos. I look forward to this year’s tour and your continued rivalry with Kelly. After all, what would an Ali be without a Frazier.
6. James Bond
I confess I didn’t see the movie, but this was touted as a hell of a comeback for the man who now doesn’t give a flying fuck if it’s shaken or stirred. It was also decidedly the largest amount of female underwear ever to spontaneously combust during showings of a movie.
5. Darren Aronofsky
Three movies to his name and mixed reviews galore for his last endeavor. I don’t care what most people said; I loved The Fountain and am convinced it’s one of the best scores I’ve heard in a long time. I call this a comeback because Aronofsky showed what a real high quality human being does when they face adversity, they don’t call it quits on their visions or dreams. They don’t accept defeat. They stick through and follow their gut for however much blasting they get from people. Overrated? Some might say. But I can’t help but not care about popular belief and focus on how much I like his work.
4. Pearl Jam
It's a bird, it's plane, it's an Avocado? Yes my friends. It's Pearl Jam. They never left, but a lot of people did walk out on PJ. I’ve bought all their albums, seen them live three times and give my humblest thanks as a fan. Prior to ‘06’s self titled avocado extravaganza, they’d put out two records most people were scratching their heads at, but with ‘Pearl Jam’, the band showed that being over 40 only means that their balls are a bit more musky but that they can shred fifty times harder than bands half their age. Story of the Year, My Chemical Romance, Sum 41, Angels and Airwaves… all feel free to commit suicide.
3. Eddie Murphy
Whoever thought he could recover from The Haunted Mansion and the Adventures of Pluto Nash? I didn’t; and he’s proved many wrong thanks to an intense performance in Dreamgirls that has Oscar buzz written all over it and the trailer for his upcoming comedy Norbit. Is he back? Yes for now. Let’s just hope he can give Steve Martin a few pointers on what the fuck to do with his career. Too hot for the hot tub? Let's frigging hope so.
2. Rocky
Being a child of the 80’s, I grew up with Rocky III and IV. I suffered the loss of Apollo and roared at the knockout of Mr. T. I also wept after seeing Rocky V and how much it sucked (in large part due to Tommy Gunn and the anticlimactic street fight). Rocky Balboa reminded me why I loved Rocky so much. Thanks Rocko. I hope I’m able to do as you and always get up no matter how bad my ass gets whooped.
1. Nintendo
People have counted the big N out ever since N64. They’ve offered seventy thousand game boy versions and the ho-hum (actually quite decent) Game Cube. But with the Nintendo DS and the Nintendo Wii… EVERYONE is peeing their pants, either from joy or fear. Over 3,000,000 units sold worldwide for the Wii. Wii would definitely like to play. Nuff said.
NOTABLE MENTION:
The Colts
I know it was in ’07 but if you’re a football fan AND a Colts fan, you STILL have a hardon from two weeks ago's Colts VS New England game. Overcoming a 21-3 deficit to slam NE in the ass and go to the Super Bowl. Mad props to the Colts but one thing…. I’m still rooting for DA BEARSSSSSS. Long live DITKAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Feb 2, 2007
Second of Joker's Top Five Top Ten Lists from 2006
People I’ll miss the most from 2006
10. Willie Pep / Floyd Patterson
NOTABLE MENTIONS
Saddam Hussein & Augusto Pinochet
I’m going to miss these guys for a few reasons. Hussein for not staying alive to continue to give a logical excuse for the invasion. Lets see what bullshit they come up with now to stay in the Middle East. To Pinochet, for dying of natural causes instead of shot and or tortured, and to both for leaving Castro behind instead of taking him for the ride, close but no cigar doesn’t count fuckers.
10. Willie Pep / Floyd Patterson
I’m a boxing fan through and through, which shows blatantly as I didn’t mention Sergei Liakhovich, Haseem Rahman or Jose Luis Castillo in the dumbest people in ’06 although they fucked up professionally by losing credibility or fights they shouldn’t have lost. That being said, I need to mention Willie Pep and Floyd Patterson in the list of people I’ll miss the most, not because they died young. No, luckily they had pretty decent lives. But I put them on this list because of their exceptional contributions to a sport I’ve grown to love to sickening heights. Willie Pep was a defensive master and it was incredible how he embarrassed people by making them look silly from constantly missing. It was defense at its highest level and major kudos must be given to a man who is finally being given the credit he deserved. Second on the list was Floyd Patterson. Not only was this a hell of a boxer, although some may dispute some of his opponents, but he was the first guy to be documented in showing real concern for a fighter he’d knocked out. By knocked out I mean that his rival was unconscious for five minutes after Floyd Landed a leaping left hook straight out of out of a videogame fatality maneuver. He was a sportsman, a nice guy, and a gentleman in every sense of the word. He might not have been as flamboyant as other notable greats, but his achievement in the ring focused on destroying the notion that nice guys finish last.
9. Red Buttons
9. Red Buttons
Most people would go who the fuck is this? This was a very good comedian who actually won an Academy Award. I’d further elaborate, but instead I suggest you looking up some of his one line quotes for one simple reason, he was extraordinarily good. He had a “Never got a dinner” skit, which was that time’s equivalent to “You might be a redneck”. Brilliant material. Here is some written proof.
Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn't Able. Never got a dinner!
Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, "We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay!" Never got a dinner!
Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, "No, you got it wrong! The WORLD is round. YOU're flat!" Never got a dinner!
Old McDonald, who said on his honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!" Never got a dinner!
Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, "Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never got a dinner!
Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner!
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?" Never got a dinner!
Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth, never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
"Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?" (Source: Vanity Fair, March 2003)
8. Kirby Puckett
Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn't Able. Never got a dinner!
Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, "We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay!" Never got a dinner!
Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, "No, you got it wrong! The WORLD is round. YOU're flat!" Never got a dinner!
Old McDonald, who said on his honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!" Never got a dinner!
Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, "Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never got a dinner!
Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner!
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?" Never got a dinner!
Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth, never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
"Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?" (Source: Vanity Fair, March 2003)
8. Kirby Puckett
For those who loved baseball, you couldn’t help but love the Puck. He led Minnesota to two championships, smashed hopes for opponent teams and bred dreams for people who really didn’t have much to cheer about prior to Kirby. His records, hitting average and leadership were only eclipsed by the disappointment in learning he had glaucoma and was thus forcefully retired from baseball. He also seemed like a great guy and one who looked the part of a bar local, yet played with more heart and talent than any Disney movie character even after the typical 80’s clap scene.
7. Chris Penn
7. Chris Penn
I liked his acting, even in Best of the Best (Chris Penn as a martial artist, you gotta fucking love it). He was well liked, had pretty good acting skills, could drink his bodyweight in whiskey and still make you laugh with him and not at him. If only his brother could take a cue from Chris and lighten the fuck up. Every chilidog I ever eat in my life will be in his name.
6. Jack Pallance
6. Jack Pallance
Apart from liking his acting, him being one of the top villains ever in movies in my regards, this guy gave one of the most memorable acceptance speeches ever, doing one armed push ups on stage. Balls, a hefty snarl and a guy you couldn’t help but like.
5. Gerald Ford
5. Gerald Ford
Why do I put the Vice President moved into Presidency after Watergate who actually pardoned Nixon? Because he passed away and he was faced with some of the shittiest decisions any president would have to face ever. He pulled out soldiers from Vietnam and did his best to move the country out of recession. Was he perfect? No. But without all that bullshit he had to go through he would have definitely been reelected.
4. Joseph Barbera
4. Joseph Barbera
My childhood and English Skills would be nothing without Hannah-Barbera. Last year marked the passing of one of the two guys responsible for some of the best TV I was ever able to enjoy. I wish we could clone him to see if we can’t salvage some of the Saturday Morning Cartoon bliss I was so lucky to feed on. Thanks Joe.
3. Steve Irwin
3. Steve Irwin
I’m still quite upset he died. Again, he might have been a madman, but I insist on anyone telling me he wouldn’t be on your top ten list for people who you’d love to share a pint of beer with. Cheers mate.
2. Syd Barrett
2. Syd Barrett
Psychedelia and Rock owe a lot to Syd and Piper at the Gates of Dawn will always be a sentimental favorite in my collection for as long as I live. Though I adore the Floyd and recognize that they wouldn’t have gotten that good if Syd wouldn’t have fallen, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love what they made together. A sad loss that might mean a reunion tour, but what a price to pay.
1. James Brown
1. James Brown
The best interviews on TV and the hardest working man in show business. I missed out on The Godfather and I don’t think I’ll get over that. He was a funky, chunky, monkey with a voice that demanded attention and the chops to make you ask why people give a shit about N Sync’s dance routines. The Godfather wasn’t the shit, I wouldn’t dare use a word like that even in a positive sense. He was tha man and only Chuck Berry can compare in regards to influence in music. Thanks Godfather, for all the I Feel good times…
NOTABLE MENTIONS
Saddam Hussein & Augusto Pinochet
I’m going to miss these guys for a few reasons. Hussein for not staying alive to continue to give a logical excuse for the invasion. Lets see what bullshit they come up with now to stay in the Middle East. To Pinochet, for dying of natural causes instead of shot and or tortured, and to both for leaving Castro behind instead of taking him for the ride, close but no cigar doesn’t count fuckers.
First of Five Joker top ten lists for 2006
So the year came and went but I’m still seeing best of lists from 2006. Perfect. Talk about not being able to let things go. Anyways, here is the first of my top five top ten lists of miscellaneous bullshit for the year 2 0 0 6 in five easy installments.
I.) Top ten dumbest people in 2006
10. Steve Martin
Am I saying Steve Martin is a shitty actor? No. Am I saying that he doesn’t have talent? No. Am I even suggesting that he’s not funny? Well not lately. He’s on this list for the very simple reason that I think he’s a pretty good actor, he can actually be funny but has chosen such shitty roles in the last couple of years, including the Disney tinged Pink Panther of ’06 that you can’t help but conclude that his brains have faltered somewhat or he’s being managed by a vengeful ex-lover. Steve, by all means, quit sucking more than a Hoover.
9. Whoever approved the entire track listing for Incubus’ Album, Light Grenades
I like this band enough to have seen them live twice. I own all their albums except Light Grenades and for good reason. I don’t know what the fuck happened in the months leading up to the release of this album except that someone had a member from Brandon Boyd’s family held captive at gun point. Love Hurts and Earth to Bella Pt’s 1 and 2 should have never even seen the light of day, not because they’re the worst tracks ever recorded in existence (although they stink up the album enough for me not to want to buy it). It’s all because if you hear the tracks from Stealth, the Incubus B-sides and the very intense songs on the Halo 2 soundtrack, not to mention the good tracks from Light Grenades, you can’t help but ask yourself what the hell happened. For this album, they might have considered the name change to Suckubus, just for the sake of not misleading fans.
8. Any parent who bought their kids a pair of Heelys
The next evolutionary step is not mutant powers, it’s not a finger or two less and it most certainly is not higher brain usage, it’s a fucking wheel sticking out of your heel. Whoever thought this product up isn’t brilliant; they just made something existent better and now we have a mini hell spawn generation of gremlins wheeling around our local malls and parks. Instead of punishing parents or decapitating a few children (which really isn’t that bad an idea), I propose we all grab two fistfuls of gravel and throw them where these beasts roam.
7. George W. Bush
Why is Georgie so far from #1. Two reasons. 1.) I’m pretty sure it’s hard to debate some of the other choices on this list. 2.) 7 is a holy number, and for someone as assholy as he is, I thought it appropriate.
4. Mel Gibson
I love his acting, some of his movies are my fav all time, but when you fuck up even bigger than one of the roles you play(namely Riggs), you can’t help but go WTF. I still stand by my opinion that people were only too ready to pounce on him when they themselves are infected by the bigot bug, but one can’t overlook his fuckup. What happened to the good old days of private wifebeating, crystal meth smoking, heroin usage and child pornography. Robert Blake, show him the way.
I.) Top ten dumbest people in 2006
10. Steve Martin
Am I saying Steve Martin is a shitty actor? No. Am I saying that he doesn’t have talent? No. Am I even suggesting that he’s not funny? Well not lately. He’s on this list for the very simple reason that I think he’s a pretty good actor, he can actually be funny but has chosen such shitty roles in the last couple of years, including the Disney tinged Pink Panther of ’06 that you can’t help but conclude that his brains have faltered somewhat or he’s being managed by a vengeful ex-lover. Steve, by all means, quit sucking more than a Hoover.
9. Whoever approved the entire track listing for Incubus’ Album, Light Grenades
I like this band enough to have seen them live twice. I own all their albums except Light Grenades and for good reason. I don’t know what the fuck happened in the months leading up to the release of this album except that someone had a member from Brandon Boyd’s family held captive at gun point. Love Hurts and Earth to Bella Pt’s 1 and 2 should have never even seen the light of day, not because they’re the worst tracks ever recorded in existence (although they stink up the album enough for me not to want to buy it). It’s all because if you hear the tracks from Stealth, the Incubus B-sides and the very intense songs on the Halo 2 soundtrack, not to mention the good tracks from Light Grenades, you can’t help but ask yourself what the hell happened. For this album, they might have considered the name change to Suckubus, just for the sake of not misleading fans.
8. Any parent who bought their kids a pair of Heelys
The next evolutionary step is not mutant powers, it’s not a finger or two less and it most certainly is not higher brain usage, it’s a fucking wheel sticking out of your heel. Whoever thought this product up isn’t brilliant; they just made something existent better and now we have a mini hell spawn generation of gremlins wheeling around our local malls and parks. Instead of punishing parents or decapitating a few children (which really isn’t that bad an idea), I propose we all grab two fistfuls of gravel and throw them where these beasts roam.
7. George W. Bush
Why is Georgie so far from #1. Two reasons. 1.) I’m pretty sure it’s hard to debate some of the other choices on this list. 2.) 7 is a holy number, and for someone as assholy as he is, I thought it appropriate.
6. TIE Britney Spears/ Lindsay Lohan/ Paris Hilton
I don’t care who put out a new perfume that smells like Strawberry Shortcake’s pussy. I could care less over who actually SHOWED their Strawberry Shortcake pussy, who got divorced, who banged who, who got drunk and plastered and who is holding on to Divaness for dear life. The only good things of tabloids exploiting this shit are that good artists are being left a bit more alone, shit magazines are getting even shittier and dumb people get dumber while overexposure is sure to guarantee these bitches will burn out. At least there’s whackoff material for a new generation, so kids, keep whacking away. Oh and there is absolutely NO relation with three psycho bitches being posted at #6 to promote my belief that they are hell spawn.
5. Michael Jackson
My dear MJ wasn’t all that buzz for the second half of the year, but this Sgt Pepper’s meets Planet of the Apes shithead made nice headlines during the first half. Including moving his ass to the middle of the dessert where he can molest all the children his surgically stretched and bleached heart can handle. You’re fooling no one Mikey.
My dear MJ wasn’t all that buzz for the second half of the year, but this Sgt Pepper’s meets Planet of the Apes shithead made nice headlines during the first half. Including moving his ass to the middle of the dessert where he can molest all the children his surgically stretched and bleached heart can handle. You’re fooling no one Mikey.
4. Mel Gibson
I love his acting, some of his movies are my fav all time, but when you fuck up even bigger than one of the roles you play(namely Riggs), you can’t help but go WTF. I still stand by my opinion that people were only too ready to pounce on him when they themselves are infected by the bigot bug, but one can’t overlook his fuckup. What happened to the good old days of private wifebeating, crystal meth smoking, heroin usage and child pornography. Robert Blake, show him the way.
3. Michael Richards
Not only did he play a dufus on TV, he is one in real life. Apparently Mel Gibson’s meltdown wasn’t bad enough and this would-be has-been felt it necessary to fuck up an already washed up career beyond repair. Further elaboration might give the impression I give a shit about this guy, so let’s leave it here.
Not only did he play a dufus on TV, he is one in real life. Apparently Mel Gibson’s meltdown wasn’t bad enough and this would-be has-been felt it necessary to fuck up an already washed up career beyond repair. Further elaboration might give the impression I give a shit about this guy, so let’s leave it here.
2. Rosie O’Donnell
WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL HAS CRAWLED UP ROSIE’S BIG FAT ASS? She’s #2 on this list for sheer annoyance and the talent of picking a variety of fights she can’t win. 0-2 for ’06 bitch, soon to be 0 for 3 if you decide to continue your fight with the American Idol guys. So for general lumoxness, annoying voice levels, lack of valid arguments and the need to turn everything into a gayathon, you’re #2. Oh and also so you don’t win at anything ever.
1. O.J. Simpson
God this guys sucks. I’m glad I can be objective enough to still enjoy the Naked Gun movies, but wow… how big of a bastard can you be just to make a quick buck. You suck more than a vampire hooker. Feel free to write a book entitled, Jumping off a roof, if I did it. Fucking hump.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL HAS CRAWLED UP ROSIE’S BIG FAT ASS? She’s #2 on this list for sheer annoyance and the talent of picking a variety of fights she can’t win. 0-2 for ’06 bitch, soon to be 0 for 3 if you decide to continue your fight with the American Idol guys. So for general lumoxness, annoying voice levels, lack of valid arguments and the need to turn everything into a gayathon, you’re #2. Oh and also so you don’t win at anything ever.
1. O.J. Simpson
God this guys sucks. I’m glad I can be objective enough to still enjoy the Naked Gun movies, but wow… how big of a bastard can you be just to make a quick buck. You suck more than a vampire hooker. Feel free to write a book entitled, Jumping off a roof, if I did it. Fucking hump.
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