Some are too long, many suck but hey, I was just in the mood to rant.
1. Kaopectate: Making sure the shit hits the fan when you want it to.
2. Mylanta: It tastes like shit so you can deal with yours.
3. Xoloft: Swallow so life doesn’t suck.
4. Nike: Helping young children earn 1 dollar an hour for over 70 years.
5. Coca Cola: Kidney stones and diabetes are the next trend.
6. UHU: Stickier than your little brother's gym sock.
7. Yahoo: Nude Britney and quantum physics within one search engine.
8. Wikipedia: Brittanica has just been fucked.
9. Moto RZR: Police brutality calls for this type of discretion.
10. Folgers: Only something this terrible would need flavor crystals.
11. Ebay: Buy shit you don’t need victoriously.
12. Trojan: Size doesn’t matter as long as you’re well covered
13. Schlitz: Get drunk even if it tastes like Schlitz. or Let's get Schlitz Faced.
14. Viagra: For insomniacs that like to stay up all night.
15. Heinz: More bang for your buns.
16. Apple: From 0 to trendy in $1,427 dollars.
17. Fruity Pebbles: Helping boost Ritalin sales since 1982.
18. Lipton: Because we know you love to teabag.
19. Depends: When you get asked if you just shit your pants, you don’t want to
answer: “It depends”
20. Summer's Eve: Finally a douche bag with a purpose.
21. Facebook: Stalking high school obsessions has never been this easy.
22. Energizer: Because a hurricane and a powerless dildo are emergencies we’re built to handle.
23. Ball Park: Penis envy has never been so tasty.
24. GAP: Putting a GAP in men’s closets since 1969.
25. Old Navy: Cheaper than head from your mom.
26. Protex Hand Sanitizer: Aiding politicians to shake hands even with members of the community they don’t like.
27. Hummer: If you’re asking who killed the electric car, you’re looking at him.
28. Breathsavers: Screw the planet, save my sense of smell.
29. Altoids: For curiously strong blowjobs.
30. Taco Bell: The equivalent of a high colonic at a fraction of its price.
Oct 3, 2007
Do you have a Kobayashi Maru?
Here I go with another obscure Star Trek reference. Yeah. You might think I need some medication... but all I know is that, like the Godfather series, the Trek has also many good references on how to live. And, by the way: the force is for pussies. (Sorry, I had to spill my anti-Star Wars venom out. It is mandatory for a Trekker.)
So? What the fuck is that shit? Well, here it is, according to the all time greatest Wikipedia: "The Kobayashi Maru scenario was an infamous no-win scenario... It was primarily used to assess a cadet's discipline, character, and command capabilities when facing an impossible situation." In other words, a problem that can't be solved.
We all have Kobayashi Maru's in our life. Some might seem like a no-sin scenario, some are really impossible to solve. How you handle them... there in lies the challenge. Why am I writing about this? Well, well. Let's just say that aside from all the bullshit about trust I've had to deal with in the previous week, which in turn has made me a total untrusting bitch... I have been hearing left and right of people that are trying to deal with an impossible task. Granted, they have all been about personal issues, but still... Made me think: why the hell do you try to win all the time? Why we just can't fight the good fight and learn when it's time to say: done?
Part of the beauty of life is knowing when to say... when, I guess. Look. Pick your battles. It applies to advertising, oh yes it does. In fact, it applies to anything. Don't waste your energy when you know it won't go your way. Stuff is supposed to not meet your requirements from time to time.
Your Creative Director doesn't want your idea and wants his instead? Tell him your point. Argue away why you think you are right. If you still find yourself fighting over a stupid ad for more than your alloted time... fuck it. Do it his way. Then, deny deny.
Your client hands over a drawing of the ad he wants you to do. Work around the idea that you are supposed to recommend the best idea for his product. Do your version of the ad. If he still doesn't want it, and he's still doodling away on the same crappy art... Do the fucker just like he asked for. Then, get your check at the end of the week. It's still coming, no matter how you argue back that it is a turd of an idea. In fact, if you do it quickly you will get to leave early and shave your privates with glee.
Your CEO wants you to work the weekend while he's boning the nice chick from the Media Department. Um. Eh. Sorry. This is a no win no matter what. You are screwed. Live with it. Enjoy the soggy pizza.
Ok so there, I gave you three examples of how sometimes life can suck more than being being Britney Spears (which, by the way, I am still trying to leave alone). Think about this piece of enlightenment: in life and in advertising there will be a time when you ARE supposed to try to make your point across. I am not telling you to become a pussy and just roll over like a doggy. But there are also times when you have to put your time and energy to good use and say the all time greatest line ever: FUCK IT. Let bygones be bygones, do the stuff you know is wrong and then... live your life. You will be a happy ad camper if you take this advice.
Oh. By the way. Proof that Kirk fucking rules?
He is the only one that solved the damn scenario. How? He cheated. Booyakasha.
So? What the fuck is that shit? Well, here it is, according to the all time greatest Wikipedia: "The Kobayashi Maru scenario was an infamous no-win scenario... It was primarily used to assess a cadet's discipline, character, and command capabilities when facing an impossible situation." In other words, a problem that can't be solved.
We all have Kobayashi Maru's in our life. Some might seem like a no-sin scenario, some are really impossible to solve. How you handle them... there in lies the challenge. Why am I writing about this? Well, well. Let's just say that aside from all the bullshit about trust I've had to deal with in the previous week, which in turn has made me a total untrusting bitch... I have been hearing left and right of people that are trying to deal with an impossible task. Granted, they have all been about personal issues, but still... Made me think: why the hell do you try to win all the time? Why we just can't fight the good fight and learn when it's time to say: done?
Part of the beauty of life is knowing when to say... when, I guess. Look. Pick your battles. It applies to advertising, oh yes it does. In fact, it applies to anything. Don't waste your energy when you know it won't go your way. Stuff is supposed to not meet your requirements from time to time.
Your Creative Director doesn't want your idea and wants his instead? Tell him your point. Argue away why you think you are right. If you still find yourself fighting over a stupid ad for more than your alloted time... fuck it. Do it his way. Then, deny deny.
Your client hands over a drawing of the ad he wants you to do. Work around the idea that you are supposed to recommend the best idea for his product. Do your version of the ad. If he still doesn't want it, and he's still doodling away on the same crappy art... Do the fucker just like he asked for. Then, get your check at the end of the week. It's still coming, no matter how you argue back that it is a turd of an idea. In fact, if you do it quickly you will get to leave early and shave your privates with glee.
Your CEO wants you to work the weekend while he's boning the nice chick from the Media Department. Um. Eh. Sorry. This is a no win no matter what. You are screwed. Live with it. Enjoy the soggy pizza.
Ok so there, I gave you three examples of how sometimes life can suck more than being being Britney Spears (which, by the way, I am still trying to leave alone). Think about this piece of enlightenment: in life and in advertising there will be a time when you ARE supposed to try to make your point across. I am not telling you to become a pussy and just roll over like a doggy. But there are also times when you have to put your time and energy to good use and say the all time greatest line ever: FUCK IT. Let bygones be bygones, do the stuff you know is wrong and then... live your life. You will be a happy ad camper if you take this advice.
Oh. By the way. Proof that Kirk fucking rules?
He is the only one that solved the damn scenario. How? He cheated. Booyakasha.
Oct 2, 2007
What your clients and employers would like to hear from you
We always wonder how the hell we can make clients and bosses happy. It’s just a way of life because more often than not, it seems they have some massive bug up their ass and nothing you do is remotely near what they want to see and nothing you say is even deemed admissible in the court of work. So in hopes of helping people negotiate clients and bosses, here are a few suggestions for lines, thoughts or statements you can say to either group and what it is you really want to say with each statement.
Lets start with your bosses.
What they want to hear:
“Don’t worry, I don’t need the raise that bad and besides, I have to think about the company.”
What you really want to say:
“It’s not like I don’t know you’re a cheapskate always ready and willing to invest in new $300 golf shorts, so I’ll take this stance so I can at least keep this fucking job until I can go to a place that sucks just as bad but will pay me the measly 5K I think I deserve for having put up with your shit for this long.”
What they want to hear:
“What can I do to help the company?”
What you mean with those sweet words:
“What do you want me to do on a Saturday without paying me and looking for the cheapest food to give me?”
What they want to hear:
“I totally understand your point of view and will work arduously to better my attitude at the work place.”
What you want to say:
“Blow me, you know I’m right but since you’re the president’s son I have to put up with your bullshit.”
What they want you to say:
“It’s totally fine if I have to come in on Sunday.”
What’s between your lines:
“Keep it up fucker, one day I’ll sue your ass for employee abuse. That way maybe you won’t enjoy weekends on your yacht while the slave trade keeps generating money for you.”
What they want to hear:
“I really like working here. It’s like a family.”
What you’re saying:
“You know I have to say this and hey, the Menendez were also a family. Maybe I’ll get some good ideas for a change.”
Now what about those lovely clients we have to deal with, here are a few nuggets you might want to pass on. See the effects and lavish in the knowledge that you deserve an Oscar for your skills at hypocrisy.
What your client wants to hear:
“Sure, I can have that done by tomorrow.”
What you forgot to say:
“It’s not like you’ll approve it before the month’s over.”
What they want to hear:
“Sure thing, we’ll give your more options by the end of the day.”
What you left out of your message:
“We’re going to half ass it, haul ass because of your caprices and you’ll pick the layout that closest resembles a shitty ad from the 80’s. Enjoy your latte, I hope you get the shits.”
What you supposedly should tell a client:
“No worries, we’re on call 24/7.”
What you neglected to mention:
“Which gives me even more opportunities to ignore your phone calls.”
What they want to hear:
“I can see where you’re coming from, we’ll make those changes right away.”
What you meant:
“I can also see you’re a moron worried about the font on your legals and that these changes aren’t needed since this campaign isn’t approved.”
What they’d LOVE to hear:
“Of course you can come to the brain storm session. Great ideas can come from any place.”
What you mean:
“And I’ll go do your market report since we can obviously do each others jobs. And great ideas should be able to come from any place, but last I checked, I can’t grow an orchard in a dessert and your creative nickname should be the Sahara from all the brilliant bits of insight we get from you including color changes based on your opinion of the color spectrum.”
What they want to hear:
“It’s always great to work with a client like you.”
What you’re saying:
“Right, it’s not like I’d enjoy doing something creative with some strategy on it rather than rehashing ads you made with Microsoft Paint.”
Either list can go on and on so feel free to add your two cents and see how much venom you have for these two charming groups that serve to nourish our professional experiences on a daily basis.
Lets start with your bosses.
What they want to hear:
“Don’t worry, I don’t need the raise that bad and besides, I have to think about the company.”
What you really want to say:
“It’s not like I don’t know you’re a cheapskate always ready and willing to invest in new $300 golf shorts, so I’ll take this stance so I can at least keep this fucking job until I can go to a place that sucks just as bad but will pay me the measly 5K I think I deserve for having put up with your shit for this long.”
What they want to hear:
“What can I do to help the company?”
What you mean with those sweet words:
“What do you want me to do on a Saturday without paying me and looking for the cheapest food to give me?”
What they want to hear:
“I totally understand your point of view and will work arduously to better my attitude at the work place.”
What you want to say:
“Blow me, you know I’m right but since you’re the president’s son I have to put up with your bullshit.”
What they want you to say:
“It’s totally fine if I have to come in on Sunday.”
What’s between your lines:
“Keep it up fucker, one day I’ll sue your ass for employee abuse. That way maybe you won’t enjoy weekends on your yacht while the slave trade keeps generating money for you.”
What they want to hear:
“I really like working here. It’s like a family.”
What you’re saying:
“You know I have to say this and hey, the Menendez were also a family. Maybe I’ll get some good ideas for a change.”
Now what about those lovely clients we have to deal with, here are a few nuggets you might want to pass on. See the effects and lavish in the knowledge that you deserve an Oscar for your skills at hypocrisy.
What your client wants to hear:
“Sure, I can have that done by tomorrow.”
What you forgot to say:
“It’s not like you’ll approve it before the month’s over.”
What they want to hear:
“Sure thing, we’ll give your more options by the end of the day.”
What you left out of your message:
“We’re going to half ass it, haul ass because of your caprices and you’ll pick the layout that closest resembles a shitty ad from the 80’s. Enjoy your latte, I hope you get the shits.”
What you supposedly should tell a client:
“No worries, we’re on call 24/7.”
What you neglected to mention:
“Which gives me even more opportunities to ignore your phone calls.”
What they want to hear:
“I can see where you’re coming from, we’ll make those changes right away.”
What you meant:
“I can also see you’re a moron worried about the font on your legals and that these changes aren’t needed since this campaign isn’t approved.”
What they’d LOVE to hear:
“Of course you can come to the brain storm session. Great ideas can come from any place.”
What you mean:
“And I’ll go do your market report since we can obviously do each others jobs. And great ideas should be able to come from any place, but last I checked, I can’t grow an orchard in a dessert and your creative nickname should be the Sahara from all the brilliant bits of insight we get from you including color changes based on your opinion of the color spectrum.”
What they want to hear:
“It’s always great to work with a client like you.”
What you’re saying:
“Right, it’s not like I’d enjoy doing something creative with some strategy on it rather than rehashing ads you made with Microsoft Paint.”
Either list can go on and on so feel free to add your two cents and see how much venom you have for these two charming groups that serve to nourish our professional experiences on a daily basis.
I think this might work.
Ok so here's the deal. We work our butts off. Sometimes more than we wish for. Um. Nah. All the time. We live day by day, just taking one job down, waiting for the other, repeat... We sometimes, well, most of the time, bitch and moan about some stupid thing. What we long for the most is time. Time to do stuff. Time to play, time to relax, time to do whatever sick fuck idea comes to mind.
The thing is this. Today while working at the office, we decided to put on the tv. By coincidence, I stumbled on a trailer about a movie called The Bucket List. A film about two guys who write down what they want to do before they die. Interesting, I thought. But... why before you die? Why not just because?
So here's my idea. Let's see how many people join in.
I invite you to write just one thing you want to do. Anything, just make it something you want to do this week. You might think you don't have the time. Trust me, you do. Even if it is 20 minutes. Just think of something you have wanted to do for quite a while but you have postponed it. Something that makes your left testicle tingle, your uterus tremble... whatever. Then, try to do it. This week. Think of this like an ad that has to go to the newspaper. You have your deadline, you must do this.
Why, pray tell, is this idea good? Dammit!!! We need to do stuff for ourselves, once in a while. We don't need to become drones who wake up, go to work, eat, sleep and do it all over the next day! This may get you thinking of bigger things that you also are not doing, and maybe this is a baby step to make those things come true.
Hope you join in. Live long and prosper.
(Um. Sorry. Watched too much Star Trek this week. Picard rules)
The thing is this. Today while working at the office, we decided to put on the tv. By coincidence, I stumbled on a trailer about a movie called The Bucket List. A film about two guys who write down what they want to do before they die. Interesting, I thought. But... why before you die? Why not just because?
So here's my idea. Let's see how many people join in.
I invite you to write just one thing you want to do. Anything, just make it something you want to do this week. You might think you don't have the time. Trust me, you do. Even if it is 20 minutes. Just think of something you have wanted to do for quite a while but you have postponed it. Something that makes your left testicle tingle, your uterus tremble... whatever. Then, try to do it. This week. Think of this like an ad that has to go to the newspaper. You have your deadline, you must do this.
Why, pray tell, is this idea good? Dammit!!! We need to do stuff for ourselves, once in a while. We don't need to become drones who wake up, go to work, eat, sleep and do it all over the next day! This may get you thinking of bigger things that you also are not doing, and maybe this is a baby step to make those things come true.
Hope you join in. Live long and prosper.(Um. Sorry. Watched too much Star Trek this week. Picard rules)
Oct 1, 2007
I exist...
Do I exist? Am I not a mere cipher within the corporate gamut of the company I work for? Am I not a mere cog within the machine? Do I matter? Do enough people care to ensure my employment? Would it matter if I left my job? Would it make any difference to have me bow out from this slave race? Do I work therefore I am or is that just me trying to justify my salary and my reality?
These are just some of the questions thousands of people ask themselves each day. We clock in and out and for what? What do we have to show for our efforts; our supposed skills; our heralded or ignored brilliance? An Ad? A flow-chart? A 2% increase in the sale of Crakios cereal, Suspenda Sweetener, Marachios of Paris and Clambake?
If we divided our salaries by hours that we work, would we earn what we swear we deserve? What exactly do we deserve? Why should it matter? What if it doesn’t matter?
Such are the things some workers say and feel because of their day-to-day experiences. Ever more I find myself meeting hordes of unsatisfied people. Unsatisfied on personal levels and professional ones but quite often, personal issues are collateral damage from all the work they do which in the end doesn’t seem to matter to them one bit. Hell, even people’s states of health are affected because of too much lame good-for-nothing work. The best part is that if a CD, a big supervisor, a VP or any other higher up reads this, one possible reaction might swim anywhere in between where do I get the nerve to say things like these or that these posts and my rather often rants are pure worker bee mentality expressed via a preppy communication/expression medium designed for your average peon. Who knows though? They might be right, but at least I give them the benefit of the doubt while they write me off as a whiner or a non team player.
It’s also funny because I could retort by saying that since they have no idea that they are just as viced as I am because of the corporate roles we play, their attitude blows, their work ethic blows, and if I have a worker bee complex, then they have a queen bee complex, because after all, we’re all bees in the same stupid hive. The main thing is that peons like myself always insist that there are better ways to work and members of the upper echelon answer by affirming that we’re just totally clueless as to how the business is run. The sad part is that we both have a point. The even sadder part is that some of the justifications they offer up for the marvelous working conditions we sometimes meander through are based on well sold bullshit.
For example, someone’s not happy and they get their ass chewed out for no apparent reason. When they said that such behavior is unfair, they’re offered up this golden nugget of non-truth: “That’s how things are run here or in this industry, if you don’t like it maybe you should switch companies or careers”.
You’re tired because you’ve worked three straight weeks? Tough cookie, it’s just that you weren’t designed to work in advertising. You’re not prepared. You’re not an ideal member of this illustrious business. It gets even better when you find some rascals that insist that some people aren’t cut out for a job because they can’t handle a boss’ mood swings, caprices and wah-wah bitch fits.
Yet the point is not in the cause but in the effect. Millions of people buy self-help books and swear they’ve found the secret or have discovered what the bleep it’s all about, but in reality, we’re as clueless as we were a DVD ago. People strive for meaning and relevance in their lives and they’re lucky if they get a Cracker Jack prize for their effort and dedication. Truth be told, some people are right where they deserve to be, but unfortunately, many are not. I don’t mean within a company or with an undetermined level of success; I mean in the levels of happiness or lack of happiness for that matter.
I once heard a guy say he’d almost forgotten what his son looked like because he’d been work binging for the last two months. That’s a hell of a realization to come up against and all I know is that he’s not the only one. Priorities are kind of screwed as of late and I have a massive beef with Capitalism because I think the system is designed much in the light of how fruit juice machines work. They squeeze out all they need to sell and make money and throw away the pits and skins… much like what most companies do with employees or at least that’s how it feels
The thing is that many people say that what a company wants is a bunch of robots, but they couldn’t be farther from the truth. Machines need more maintenance and can’t be fooled as easily. Machines also happen to have the distinct nuance that they don’t hurt and if I’ve learned something, it’s that there are a couple of people that live to abuse their power or to unnerve people. They’re sadistic assholes who actually enjoy cracking people down so they can hike up their pants and feel good about themselves while patting their bellies full of the meat of the weak as they would have it.
Do we exist? Do we matter? Are we worth it, whatever it may be? To these I can only hope everyone who can read this can answer yes. With ranting rambling goodness and a whole lotta love.
Cheers
Your resident joker
These are just some of the questions thousands of people ask themselves each day. We clock in and out and for what? What do we have to show for our efforts; our supposed skills; our heralded or ignored brilliance? An Ad? A flow-chart? A 2% increase in the sale of Crakios cereal, Suspenda Sweetener, Marachios of Paris and Clambake?
If we divided our salaries by hours that we work, would we earn what we swear we deserve? What exactly do we deserve? Why should it matter? What if it doesn’t matter?
Such are the things some workers say and feel because of their day-to-day experiences. Ever more I find myself meeting hordes of unsatisfied people. Unsatisfied on personal levels and professional ones but quite often, personal issues are collateral damage from all the work they do which in the end doesn’t seem to matter to them one bit. Hell, even people’s states of health are affected because of too much lame good-for-nothing work. The best part is that if a CD, a big supervisor, a VP or any other higher up reads this, one possible reaction might swim anywhere in between where do I get the nerve to say things like these or that these posts and my rather often rants are pure worker bee mentality expressed via a preppy communication/expression medium designed for your average peon. Who knows though? They might be right, but at least I give them the benefit of the doubt while they write me off as a whiner or a non team player.
It’s also funny because I could retort by saying that since they have no idea that they are just as viced as I am because of the corporate roles we play, their attitude blows, their work ethic blows, and if I have a worker bee complex, then they have a queen bee complex, because after all, we’re all bees in the same stupid hive. The main thing is that peons like myself always insist that there are better ways to work and members of the upper echelon answer by affirming that we’re just totally clueless as to how the business is run. The sad part is that we both have a point. The even sadder part is that some of the justifications they offer up for the marvelous working conditions we sometimes meander through are based on well sold bullshit.
For example, someone’s not happy and they get their ass chewed out for no apparent reason. When they said that such behavior is unfair, they’re offered up this golden nugget of non-truth: “That’s how things are run here or in this industry, if you don’t like it maybe you should switch companies or careers”.
You’re tired because you’ve worked three straight weeks? Tough cookie, it’s just that you weren’t designed to work in advertising. You’re not prepared. You’re not an ideal member of this illustrious business. It gets even better when you find some rascals that insist that some people aren’t cut out for a job because they can’t handle a boss’ mood swings, caprices and wah-wah bitch fits.
Yet the point is not in the cause but in the effect. Millions of people buy self-help books and swear they’ve found the secret or have discovered what the bleep it’s all about, but in reality, we’re as clueless as we were a DVD ago. People strive for meaning and relevance in their lives and they’re lucky if they get a Cracker Jack prize for their effort and dedication. Truth be told, some people are right where they deserve to be, but unfortunately, many are not. I don’t mean within a company or with an undetermined level of success; I mean in the levels of happiness or lack of happiness for that matter.
I once heard a guy say he’d almost forgotten what his son looked like because he’d been work binging for the last two months. That’s a hell of a realization to come up against and all I know is that he’s not the only one. Priorities are kind of screwed as of late and I have a massive beef with Capitalism because I think the system is designed much in the light of how fruit juice machines work. They squeeze out all they need to sell and make money and throw away the pits and skins… much like what most companies do with employees or at least that’s how it feels
The thing is that many people say that what a company wants is a bunch of robots, but they couldn’t be farther from the truth. Machines need more maintenance and can’t be fooled as easily. Machines also happen to have the distinct nuance that they don’t hurt and if I’ve learned something, it’s that there are a couple of people that live to abuse their power or to unnerve people. They’re sadistic assholes who actually enjoy cracking people down so they can hike up their pants and feel good about themselves while patting their bellies full of the meat of the weak as they would have it.
Do we exist? Do we matter? Are we worth it, whatever it may be? To these I can only hope everyone who can read this can answer yes. With ranting rambling goodness and a whole lotta love.
Cheers
Your resident joker
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