May I rip you a new one for Christmas?

True story, happened today.

So I'm working on a massive piece for a client. This piece is huge, has given me more headaches than watching the O'Reilly Factor while trying to get laid... and has been, in a word, well, two... a turd. It's the kind of job that makes me a whore. I do it for the money. So... Here I am, thinking... I have this shit down. Now I can go home, scratch my left ass cheek and watch Heroes in time. Butt naked and with a can of whipped cream in hand. Great!

Phone rings. 6:30 p.m. The phone should not ring at that hour...

In what I can only describe as ANNOYING, I hear a voice that tells me... I need to add one more piece.

(Sigh)

Ok. I need to quote you that piece as well. Do you need a separate quote?

Oh. Really? (Long pause, which tells me already I'm an asshole for pointing that out) How much will it be?

(Insert here an appropiate amount, because you know how long it will take to deal with another shitty piece ridden with changes that have NO logic)

THAT MUCH? But... I just send you the copy and the photos and you just design the piece.

Um. What?

Let me ask you this. If you go to the fucking dentist to get your damn tooth removed... Do you tell the doctor it's too much for just pulling? Do you go to your lawyer and tell him that since he's just talking, that you shouldn't pay that much?

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH CLIENTS?

Oh sure. I just need to charge you 50 fucking bucks. You see, since I consider my years of design and advertising study just a joke, an excuse to go have drinks at the local bar near the university, so I don't have any right to properly charge you. Yeah. Oh. And all my years of experience, my reputation... well, in all honesty, I can cram that up my butthole as well, with no Astro Glide, mind you, because there isn't any difference between years of experience and a dude who got out of college with a Mac. You are absolutely right. Designing is like Geico. Sooo easy, a caveman can do it!

Hey! Let's do this. I will gladly retire and go wipe Paris Hilton's ass with no gloves whatsoever, while you design all the bullshit you want on your own. It's easy! Just crank open Microsoft Word and get cracking, you "Ogilvish" talented client. That way, you can put the logo as biiiiiiig as your ballsack, fill the ads with bursts and extremely large headers! What do you think? You can also put all the damn colors you want, so that people SURE take notice of that Romper-Room ad. OH! That way, if you make a typo... well, it's just a mistake, right? You're human. Nah... don't worry. I know if I do it, I'm the asshole who didn't do her job right.

The balls on some people are priceless. Sometimes I think that advertising doesn't suck. It's just clients.

And their larger than life shitty balls.

The Twelve Days of Advertising.

On the first day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the second day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the third day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the fourth day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the fifth day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Stupid Changes!!!!! Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the sixth day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me Six more Campaigns... Five Stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid Changes!!!!! Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the seventh day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me Seven Conference Calls, Six more Campaigns... Five Stupid Chaaaaaaaaaanges!!!!! Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the eighth day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me, Eight Ass Kissers, Six more Campaigns... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Stuuuuuuuupid Changes!!!!! Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the ninth day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me, Nine logos in Jpg, Eight Ass Kissers, Six more Campaigns... Fiiiive Stuuuuuuuupid Changes!!!!! Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the tenth day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me, Ten Traffic Gal's a'screaming, Nine logos in Jpg, Eight Ass Kissers, Six more Campaigns... Five Stuuuuuuuuuupid Changes!!!!! Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me, Eleven Working Weekends, Ten Traffic Gal's a'screaming, Nine logos in Jpg, Eight Ass Kissers, Six more Campaigns... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Stupid Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanges!!!!! Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

On the twelfth of Christmas my Ad Agency gave to me, Twelve Single Minded Ideas, Eleven Working Weekends, Ten Traffic Gal's a'screaming, Nine logos in Jpg, Eight Ass Kissers, Six more Campaigns... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Stuuuuuuuuuupid Changes!!!!! Four Facebook Warnings, Three Drunk Media Buyers, two Bullshitting Clients...

and a Really Shitty Creative Brief.

Merry Christmas, ad people. We suck.