Jan 24, 2008

Face it, sometimes you're homicidal.

And you're entitled to. Fantasizing about the myriad of ways you could dismember your hated client, exec, CEO or douche bag of choice is just part of what we do as professionals. It's actually part of the multitasking phenomenon we so proudly proclaim. We work on one project, look for shit on Wikipedia and Digg, double check porno names, have our iTunes in Shuffle, write emails, stalk people on Facebook and fantasize about killing people, or at least I do. But thinking for a second of that notion of just slaughtering the heathen hordes of idiots, you can't help but realize that if there were prizes for best murders, we could DEFINITELY be on that chart. Might I add that the kill count would be somewhere in the leagues of Total Recall multiplied by Commando to the Power of Starship Troopers or

(TR x COM) STRST = average kill count within the confines of our frustrated minds

There's the typical fare of beheadings though this almost requires a category onto itself. There's the classic Samurai cool as a cucumber move where a precision slice to your client's head gently slices their pearl necklace, not the jizz kind, and about 4.27 seconds afterwards has their head coming off with a massive spew of blood coming forth. Then there's the Belushi Samurai psycho stab where you just hack the shit out of them while screwing YOSHHHHHHHH (Thank you Mr. Miyagi for showing me what a real Kiai sounds like). There's also the Conan battle axe cranial disengagement, and of course, my favorite, Putting on a black hood while holding a parchment written in French while you force a worthy client onto the guillotine. Then you go from beheading to general dismemberment where you debate whether you should tie each limb of that asshole at work to four horses, four cars, or four scooters just for shits and giggles. Obviously you're going to go through a wide array of explosions and look to the wisdom of MacGyver to look for innocuous miscellanea that just happen to explode when mixed in the correct amounts. Please don't forget the desire for precision shooting courtesy of too much time watching 24, bless Jack. Then there's the drowning death where you consider which different concoctions including or not shit you would use to drown your client. If you do decide upon shit, you really need to think if you want the chunky peanut buttery pasty poop or if you'd rather that slightly inconsistent crap that looks more like the dishwasher remnants of pot roast or simple 8-day-old corned beef, the decision is obviously yours. If you stray from the poopie path, you can think of endless amounts of liquids that will get the job done but will obviously provoke different reactions: Tabasco sauce, sand, quick dry cement, or jello so you can truly prove that it's not a constant that there's always room for jello. Obviously boiling oil is a consideration but you've opted for slow torture rather than drowning through that method.

THEN you start getting creative. You imagine taking the prick client's prick to emit your own brand of poetic justice doing just about every sordid sick shit you could think of to make a variation from things you've seen on tv which include but are not limited to stuffing a penis with hot chilies, putting some sort of diabolical umbrella up his urethra and popping that sucker open halfway down the penis, fire crackers or just mashing a testicle with a wooden mallet... obviously the mallet has been seasoned with cayenne pepper, generous amounts of salt and more than just a twist of lemon.

Naturally you then transition into the satanic titty twisters where you tie that bitch caprice spewing cunt's nipples to something rusty and industrially powered. The process is not important as long as the nipples are quite literally yanked off. Be it fast or slow, it's your call depending on the day, your mood and the degree of retardedness courtesy of Señor or Señorita Client, Exec, or CEO.

Then someone mentions the word flame thrower and all hell breaks loose since you discuss the possibility of a small flame on the person's navel, a full blown bon fire where these sacks of shit serve as kindle or the ever popular just blow the shit out of the client. Barbecuing the fucks is not out of the question, but the other three are higher on the list of things you'd rather do to them shit stains unless you have Emeril throwing garlic onto them and yelling Bam!!! While insisting that the garlic in the eyes makes them happy. Speaking of shit, of course you suggest that it wouldn't be a bad idea to let them drown in a living cesspool or maybe, quite possibly have 2,000 girls and one cup whereas these 2,000 dirty skanks barf in a pool, the client is tossed unceremoniously and is allowed to disintegrate in vomit for the next couple of days.

Speaking of disintegrating, of course you need the animalities in there where cougars, snakes, ants, spiders, dogs, rats, sharks, alligators, or rabid koalas are prompted to eat these people alive, I'm also partisan to big ol’ hogs because I thought Hannibal was an ok movie and thought it a fitting end for some people.

Then there are the improbable ones where you kill people by launching pennies from the Empire State Building, filling syringes with low pressure pills and having them spike it with Gangsta Juice or just feeding them steady amounts of guaraná until their heart explodes.

OH!!! And please don't forget blunt force trauma. Be it a bat, a billy club, a black jack, a lead pipe (Thanks Ms. Harding), beating their faces against a rough wall or just pounding the shit out of them repeatedly, Think Bruce Willis' role of Tom Hardigan in Sin City and how he does in the Yellow Bastard.

Of course you need a list of tribute deaths. For me, I'd start with dressing them up like Boy George and dropping them into a clan rally (Thank you Bill Hicks), creating state lines and putting a wall where all the murderers, rapists, sodomites, drug addicts and psychopaths duke it out and include these pricks as bonus points for the hordes (Thanks George Carlin), or the ever popular stuffing their pockets full of candy and tossing them off the Empire State Building (Patton Oswalt).

Obviously you need to look to the Saw franchise for elaborate deaths, Texas Chainsaw Massacre for pure gore, Silence of the Lambs for style and panache and American History X to take reference of what you do when you get a client to bite that sidewalk.

Just so you don’t go freaking out though, I'm not one to promote murder or physical aggression (unless it's in a mixed martial arts context or boxing), but I am one to promote daydreaming and creativity and with the ridiculous levels of frustration we endure on a daily basis, it's no wonder we spend so much time dawdling with the early demise of the people that don't believe in our work, tell us "what's right" and treat us like some mix of tit dirt and latrine stew. So feel free to fantasize my friends. We have the right.



TexanInHippieland said...

Back when I was working in the biz (as opposed to this housewife bullshit I'm doing now) we creatives would enjoy playing Call of Duty during our lunch break. I always wished they would create a version of the game that was more modern. Well, whatdaya know... they did. Now you can play Call of Duty with modern weapons and scenarios. So, since a large part of their consumer base works in advertising, why don't they create an "Advertising" mod? You, of course, are a copywriter or art director. You're given various weapons to choose from... sniper rifles (my favorite), shotguns, chainsaws, weedeaters, or maybe just a ballpoint pen. Then, you walk through a map of a typical agency... kill other plagiarizing creatives in their cubes, find that fucking Creative Director who gave you a bad review ("Bad Hand Skills, yet you're a copywriter) and shoot her fat, red-headed face with a Colt 45 automatic, then go across the hall and hack an AE to death with a machete, or go upstairs to the conference room and wipe out the entire meeting (clients, your CEO, etc) with the BFG from Doom. Then, when you go back to your desk, you see 7 job starts that are due by noon (two with dictated concepts that the now dead Creative Director wanted) so you stab yourself in the eye with an old rapidograph.

Now, THAT's a cool game.

Make the logo bigger said...

“Cheers” caps off the carnage nicely.

Me said...

Well, I honestly think that there are wonderful films that can provide loads of great inspiration when daydreaming of going postal. Here are my faves, in no particular order:

1) Do you see? From Red Dragon. Picture it. You have your ugliest client, strapped down in a wooden chair, naked, but of course. You run a slideshow of the original ads and then the revised ones, usually all fucked up. You scream: this is what we told you to do. This is what you did, fucking it up. You scream. DO YOU SEE? Click. DO YOU SEE? Brilliant.

2) Ricky-Oh. Anything in this movie will do the work. Cut the intestines and choke them with the bloody guts? Punching so hard you break the ribcage and scream? Japan has it going on.

3) Hannibal does it best. Just open up their brains, sautee with a little bit of virgin olive oil, open up a nice bottle of red wine. I wonder... what goes with client's brain? Or with CEO's brain? Food for thought. Pun intended.

4) Apocalypse Client. I love the smell of napalm in a client's scrotum. Smells like victory. Kudos for Coppola for such army style violence.

5) Godfather. Yes. Send in Vito Corleone's guys to do the work, just pay the bill at the end. Much more cleaner, you don't get your funny creative tshirt stained with old blood. Sicilians. You gotta love them.

Kudos for a great post, mein friend. Long live daydreamed violence.

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