Reality checks can’t be cashed

No matter how much you try to speak with reason to a client, no matter how big the slice of truth you serve them, there is apparently no way of changing some people’s views of what should be done. These are the same people that operate with the anything you do is wrong premise. Put the logo small, then you put it too small, or it’s still too big, or you need to put it 20% bigger than what it previously was. The sheer extent of what a client can fathom is truly boundless and some theorists have even expressed similarities between the universe and clients stupidity. Neither can be measured, the center eludes us, and it is in constant expansion to encompass everything from a headline, to a font type, to a swoosh you should have avoided, to delicious bursts, to legals. Everything is suspect and trust in that they’ll only be too glad to point things out so they can feel as if they matter.

So here’s my reality for clients. Please forward this:

Hello Mr. Client:

Odds are you have a supervisor that stomps on you, vetoes your decisions, constantly eats your ass out, nothing you do is right. That means that in all essence, you are at the very most someone else’s bitch. OK, let that sink in.

……………….. wait a bit more…………………………
………………………………………………………………and some more……………………………………………
……………………………… that’s right, bitch…………
............…………………… nothing more…………………………
……….just………
…………….a……
..................................................................................
………………………bitch.

Now that we’ve cleared that bit of information, I want you to look at the revisions you are about to send to your creative team at an agency. Look real hard. Notice something weird? Something out of place? Something …. Um… awkward? Yeah, good word… awkward. No? Read again. Please. Ok, now that you’ve read it again, is there any possible way of you ceasing and desisting from sodomizing yourself with your own cranium long enough to see that it’s a waste of time…. Our time? Your time. Anyone’s time. It is… isn’t it? Yes because delaying an ad or a radio spot because of a word is a waste of time and it’s stupid. Don’t worry, I know you think you’re making a grand old difference and that without you, the ship would sink. But it won’t, that’s because you my friend…….

are simply……

and solely……..

someone else’s bitch.

Sleep tight.

Your caring pal,
Joker

Ps.: My hand is always willing to cash that check for you any time you need.