Jun 26, 2008

You might not enjoy reading this.


Guys, just move on to another blog. I am so sad, I am so destroyed, I need to write this feeling of sheer agony out of me. Tomorrow here at WAS everything will be peachy and fun and full of foul language. But just for tonight, I guess I need to do this writing exercise to clear my brain. You know what? I also consider you guys as my friends. Maybe you can have ideas on how to handle this, because I need all the help I can get. If you are not inclined to read another sentimental crap from me, I can totally understand. Just click close and wait for a few hours. I know Joker will put on a great post above it so he can help me hide this.

Also... I might have typos and grammar that sucks beyond belief. Bear with me, in 72 hours I have had almost 5 hours of sleep, little food and an intense feeling of sadness. Today is the first day that I can take a break and write about it. Besides. No WiFi at the hospital. Makes the machines go crazy...

Mom had an accident. Yes, the love of my life, the reason I walk and breathe, is lying somewhere in a hospital. She is ok now. I cannot go into the details, not because of anonymity (which right now I can give a shit about)... it's just because I cannot listen, read, think about the accident and have the mental picture of my mother in pain and agony anymore. All I can say is that she survived and is here with me, thank God.

I have learned a great deal from myself this last couple of days. Some are really amazing. For example. I didn't realize how much I love my mother. I had an idea, a concept of love. But this horrible incident has given me a clear understanding of the sheer, amazing true love and connection that I have with her. Being an only child and abandoned by my father, she became everything to me. I didn't realize, I didn't quite know how much this wonderful human being means to me.

The bad stuff is also there. I am angry. I am bitter. Guys... I am extremely furious. I am struggling with forgiveness - which is so not me. I am fighting the urge to be uncivilized. I am finding it hard to cope with the fact that someone did this to my mom, whether it be intentional or not, I don't care.

I found out that... well, we are animals in the end. You hurt one of my pack, I will growl at you back. This is way disturbing for me, because I am always the rational, not the emotional one. It has no logic for me to react this way to an accident. But something in my brain is not computing this. All it repeats is: your mother is in pain, your mother is in pain and it's because of...

The other thing is... People are morbid, stupid fools. Knowing full well that this was a truly horrible accident, they come down to her bedroom and repeat this shitty line, again and again: how did it happen? How did it happen? HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

Christ! How about asking my mother anything else, you fuck? How about if for a fucking second you don't make my mother remember a horrible incident? Hey, maybe I am a total bitch, but I sure know if something traumatic happened to ANY of you, I would not, for the life of me, sit down and ask you to tell me about it when I know it gives you pain. Please, for the love of Jesus. The next time any of your friends and family - God forbid - are in this position, talk about ANYTHING else. Do the math outside the room. Call people and ask what happened so you can get the 411. Then go to the room and talk about something funny, something cool.

What else did I learn? First, I have wonderful friends who have called and asked how everything is going, most of all who I can call back and talk about this until I feel better. But there is someone wonderful I need to thank.You see, when it happened, when I got the call, my body disconnected itself completely. Time stood still and I could not do a thing. I didn't know how to compute getting in a car and driving to a hospital. This person drove me without thinking, took me to get clothes, bags... everything she needed. Also, I have done "restarts" every night when my mother doesn't see me. I cry, screaming and holding on to dear life to him, because I need to let all the sadness out so I can have more strength the next day. Then, I clean myself up and march right up to mom's room again.

So... to Travis. Jesus, man. What would I do without you? There are some moments in life when you think that you will crumble and then you see a hand reaching out to you, to save you... Man, in 72 hours you have saved me time and time again. I will never, ever find a way to repay this. I have always known that you are an exceptional human being... but this goes way beyond. You my boy, Blue.

Well guys, good news is tomorrow is another day, so please, please, please... pray for my mom. I told you, I needed your help. I am not religious, but I sure know if enough people just send good vibes to my beautiful mother, they will travel all over the earth and touch her.

Sorry for the sappy post. Maybe I'll delete it in a few hours. Who knows.

Mom? I love you.

7 comments:

Joker said...

Anger, love, pride, joy, sadness and any emotion is worn on our sleeves on this blog. Don't delete the post, it would be very unlike us to do so.

Regarding your mom, I'm about a millionth as relieved as you and I worry a lot, but I know you and I know how you are with your mom.

I will be writing some inane bullshit tomorrow but never limit yourself to one post of one topic... we definitely don't have that as a rule.

PS: Word verification mantra...

zdjunto...... sed(sean) juntos? or z junto? I'm just saying, these things freak me the fuck out.

My best to your mom, you, and Travis.

Thinking In Vain said...

I am very, very, very glad to hear that your Mom is alright.

Not to sound sappy but she and you will be in my prayers and thoughts. My own mother has been through several accidents the last couple of years, but nothing as horrendous as this sounds. But I know how jarring and stressful it can be when something does happen to your mother.

I hope she gets well quickly.

Jeff said...

I have no clue who any of you are and I found your blog by accident a few weeks ago.

but...

sending good vibes and energy your way (and there is lots of it here to go around).

RestrictionsApply said...

we got your back, girl...

adhack said...

Please let us know if there's anything we can do. We are here for you.

hack

Lucila said...

I wish with all my heart that everything is back to normal soon. I send you all my love and all my prayers are for your mamita. xoxo

Me said...

She's happy, guys... At last, they took her out of the hospital. Now she needs a nurse 24/7. Good thing my dad is a doctor, right???

Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts. They are still reaching out to her.

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