If you have any type of education you probably remember the 5W/how questions regarding plot development. If you need a reminder, they were who, what, where, when, why & how. Reminders aside, there are things you come across in your life that merit any and every question regarding those situations, especially when good manners and effective communication come into question.
The latest post by Oneletterman on The Rules of Stupid shows an array of insults and cussing that pretty much brought a tear to my eye. Rarely do I see someone blast against someone in such beautiful form and trust me that if Cannes showed this post, I'd give a standing ovation for 6 minutes.
Here's the email received by Letterman. Feel free to click the links to read his wonderful reaction though be warned, if cussing and ripping a person a new asshole via open letter turns you off, skip it. Anyways, here's the email he received.
Subject: Acd position
From: Dave McLane
Date: 7/23/08 11:02 PM
Please send your portfolio to firstname.lastname@example.org
Sent from my iPhone
That's it. That's the email. The problem is that this isn't junk mail and the person in question was apparently serious about offering a job. The rest of the problems stem from the lack of information, total absence of formality and of course non existent politeness in the email.
When you have more information regarding email sender and recipient information, you know you have a bad email on your hands. In an age of technology where communication is supposedly paramount, people write less and less every day yet still bitch at shitty service and whatnot.
Lets put it this way, if you get to a restaurant and when a waiter comes you don't say hello, good evening, how you doin' or some other type of simple detail to show that you're conscious that the person has a pulse and acknowledge their being, then you're the asshole to blame because barking out orders with disdain for the person who is handling your food is a great investment against your digestive health, plus it doesn't do wonders for your karma.
How do we fix this email then Dave?
First off a hello would be nice and by the way, it's not protocol, it's fucking common sense to issue a greeting when addressing someone since you don't have to pay per letter in an email. Next in line would be to tell us something about you, but wait... lets illustrate it in a simple manner that even Dave can understand.
First W - Who
Who the fuck are you? You must clearly establish your identity so the person receiving your email doesn't think you're from Zimbabwe offering you 10,000 rubies from the sale of their estate in the kingdom of Blamblo.
Second W - What
What the fuck do you want? If you're writing someone you must be clear in your intentions and the mystery of what an Acd or a CD position that you're offering might be intriguing enough for you to reply, more sensible people at best scoff at the lack of information.
Third W - Why
Why the fuck did you write me? Again, clear intentions and clear messages receive clear responses in record time buddy. As you can tell, Oneletterman and anyone who respects what they do for a living don't necessarily appreciate your brief descriptions and would much rather you tell us your intentions attached with your mandates, I mean request (he did say please).
Fourth W – Where
Where the fuck is enfatico and where does it say that I should be very interested? Unlike Oneletter, I could care less where Enfatico is since I haven’t gotten one line emails soliciting my portfolio for a position that isn’t 100% clearly stated.
Fifth W – When
When did a single sentence email get a copious reply including anyone’s portfolio? Oh and when did you think a company email could project professionalism when it’s the same address as some fake stunt man that was once funny to me?
The final W – How
How the fuck did you get my email? How am I sure you’re not bogus? How did your barber (ok stylist) let you out of the salon with that hair and your cute puffy cheeks?
See? If you answer those questions, maybe Oneletterman would have had something awesome to say about Enfatico rather than feel the need to post the email and his ‘generous’ reaction to it. I felt the need to post about this for various reasons.
1.) I read the post and laughed out loud.
2.) Though some might say the post is overkill I think it serves its purpose of clearly communicating that such an email gives us carte blanche to interpret anyways we see fit. Something that as you can see is not to your benefit.
3.) I’m torn between what’s a bigger douche statement… the superdave email or the fact that he sent it via iPhone (AKA The Creatives blackberry)
Just goes to show though, take your time to write someone a real email and you’ll avoid a whole lot of hassles and some very entertaining posts…. Wait a minute…. In that case keep sending one sentence emails because I rejoice in anger :D