Aug 4, 2008

Jesus is junk mail




He's not magic, he's not glory, he's junk mail. That's the level to which people have demoted the dearly beloved savior of two religions. you don't believe me? Check your email people. It's that simple. Along with the sinfully delicious emails detailing the possibilities of your grown manhood, enhanced breast, prolonged erections, options for catholic, jewish, or christian sex partners and debt consolidation, there's little ol' Jesus lurking in the shadows of your junk mail.

Be it in a blatant request to sign up for the Catholicathon where you can give your tithe and be forgiven that one time you butt fucked your 12 year old cousin by telling them you wanted to hide your wand in their magic box or the time you pasted peanut butter on your nether regions so scraps could make a happy, or the oh so popular Beloved in Christ we love you intros to oh so many Ugandan money transfers we're all missing out on, Christ is everywhere in your junk mail.

Seriously, if you think getting Rick Rolled is annoying try posting a pinup of Jesus on an email and putting in the subject hilarious nut shot. I've had that done to me and it was almost funny, except that Jesus was in all his bloody martyred glory and I was mentally prepared to see someone get a sweet field goal kick in the jimmy so I felt guilty for maybe a second... maybe.

Then I got to thinking of all the times I've received Jesus power point presentations, pictures, forwards, chain mails and donation requests, not forgetting my sweet friends from Lebanon who also believe in Christ and that through his medium, I'll hand over my social security number along with my entire savings fund... you know, savings for the savior. Makes sense right?

But honestly, it's not like I think there are many Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, Zoroastrian or any other type of spam mail and I wonder seriously, when did the propaganda: "Spam for Jesus" come into effect. There's this eternal email and online love for Jesus but people every day seem less and less Jesus like to me. Oh sure, they pray a good prayer, but being a good natured whole hearted Christian or Catholic? not really, not even in Christmas time because all you need to see is traffic and Santa Claus cluttering every possible window and advert in existence at nauseum just to sell more coke, or berries, or snacks, or tv's or whatnot.

People don't say please or thank you, they don't give you the right of way because they can cut before you right away. They don't say good morning, good afternoon or good evening because it's cliché or oldschool. They don't hold the door for someone because they're afraid they might get sued for wrongful entrance ajarism in the third degree. They don't go to church and when they do, they don't really mean it. And that's a judgment call. Don't believe me? Go to a church, look around and see the people who are praying the loudest. notice that for the most part they're also the hardest to deal with, the nastiest and rudest of the pack? But they sure can pray and they know the psalms by heart. That's because that's how they convince themselves they're not as shitty as they really are.

Screw nice gestures, I give my money to the church and don't miss one of those enthralling services where I'm asked to listen and repeat but never to analyze. People rarely analyze what they say, read, receive or send and they think they're doing me a favor for sending me a Jesus forward. You're not, you're just giving me one more reason to not read what you have to send and push you further away from me and last I checked, that's not what all this do onto others as you would do onto you thing is all about, is it?

2 comments:

Make the logo bigger said...

All-time fav Jesus junk mail? The Jesus prayer rug.

Joker said...

JESUS... that's like 20 on the creepy factor. But hey, to each their own and I'm sure spring cleaning that rug has to be interesting because it's not like you're going to bat it around with a broom without feeling some type of remorse. Wonder if there's also a set of Jesus pillow cases for sweet Christian dreams. :D

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