Aug 21, 2008

98 minutes of my life, wasted: Clone Wars


The only good thing about this post is that I didn't pay to see this huge turd. One AE actually gave me tickets to see Clone Wars. And boy, does it suck. How bad? I'll give you five reasons:

1) If you are older than 4 years of age, this movie is not for you. This is Star Wars meets Dora the Explorer. Not the Star Wars you and I grew up with.

2) Script sucks balls, shlongs and buttholes. It is simply dumb.Yes, I know that usually George Lucas writes worst than our clients, still this is the lowest of lows. You could actually hear me laughing at the movie theater at some points, sometimes I was ashamed to be there. Am I exaggerating? Fuck no. There is an actual character named, lovingly, STINKY. Someone shoot me in the ovary.

3) Character murder. Yes. They KILL those loved Star Wars dudes that you loved... or even hated. I mean, you grow up knowing their characters and how they act perfectly and suddenly it all goes extremely wrong. Bizarro Superman wrong. For me, I almost puked in my mouth, and a lot, when I saw what they did to Jabba the Hutt. Talk about going the wrong way, dammit. I am still angry about that.

4) It's long. Way long. Stupid long. John Holmes long. I actually talked out loud at a point of the movie to get the characters to finish their stupid quest so I could go home and enjoy my night doing something nasty and extremely sexually deranged.

5) It just sucks. Period! I cannot for the life of me ever watch this movie again. In fact, if I was to be tortured, with thousands of people depending on me not to spill the beans about something - they'd be dead. I would talk. Happily.

Hey, maybe I was not in the mood. But the thing is, I went with two other avid Star Wars Geeks, the AE who gave me the free tickets and Travis. Both hated the movie with passion. I kind of laughed and shrugged it off. Why?

JJ Abrams' Star Trek XI is going to rip George Lucas a new one. Revenge is a dish best served cold.


PS: Click at the name of the post for a more detailed review about this piece of shit movie, coming from the Associated Press. BTW: Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 18% fresh. Yep. Sounds about right.

5 comments:

RestrictionsApply said...

And to think you had a chance to see Tropic Thunder instead...

Me said...

Yeah man... Should have listened to you...

Warren said...

Uh-huh. Within minutes of the film starting my friends and I realized we were completely in the wrong demographic; this film is aimed at hydrocephalic eight-year-olds.

I used to be of the opinion that Phantom Menace was the worst SW film ever.

Not any more.

Anonymous said...

The best part of this movie was when I was talking to you guys... :P

the girl Riot™ said...

i wouldn't have even gone if someone gave me free tickets. unless i had a date and could consciously ignore the screen while offending everyone else around us. for real--when i first saw the ads for this movie, i thought it was a joke. like Disaster Movie and Scary Movie etc. damn shame.

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