Aug 27, 2008

How to learn that you are a Facebook Stalker.

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine from high school appeared at Facebook. To be honest, it took days before I added him, because I didn't remember him that much (this bit of information is crucial later on). It wasn't after he posted some pictures of him when he was younger that I said... oooooh it's that random guy. I thought, hey, from what I can remember, this guy was a very silent, shy and introverted dude. I will seldom hear about him, but hey, it's ok. So I added him to my friends.

Huge mistake.

Since I have been living for the past few weeks a constant stream of stupid comments from this one person, messages and invitations to the utter most idiotic applications known to even the founder of Facebook, I feel that I am qualified of writing this post. So, out of desperation, here it goes: 5 simple ways to know if you are a Facebook Stalker. Enjoy.

1) You write almost every day on all your friends wall with random things that can be resolved with a fucking telephone call. Remember? You dial the fucker's number and tell your shit. We don't need to all know that your balls itch today.

2) You comment on every damn single picture of your friends with things like: hey! Cool! Nice! Stop it. I mean it. Stop it. It's nice that you like my photographs but another thing completely to see your fucking name in all that I post.

3) You invite to be bitten, loved, cuddled or rammed up the butthole with stupid applications that normal people don't need. Asshole, I really don't need a free fucking hug application at the moment, but I sure need the LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE one.

4) Did Facebook make us super friends? Then why in all that's holy do I need to share every single detail with you? If I put on my current status that I plan to murder someone, I don't need you to ask me why. In fact, I will channel all my anger towards you.

5) You need me at all your birthdays, groups, bar mitzvahs, testicle shaving nights and whatever boring things you are doing. Look, we all like to invite people from time to time to do stuff. But that doesn't mean growing an internet umbilical cord. You have your fucked up life, I have mine. Let's keep the friendly distance.

Look, being friendly is one thing. I sure love my friends. But getting too close for comfort from people I haven't seen in fucking ages... not cool. So, learn this lesson, Facebook stalkers. I just hope mine gets his modem rammed up his urethral opening. Lovely.


Anonymous said...

he he he. this one was funny.

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