Aug 26, 2008
Anyone who has read WAS for a while knows that from time to time any of the writers on this blog can go on a nasty rant. I've been lucky enough to be called entertainingly scatological albeit locked within the peon mindscape. That's all fine and well, but what happens when you read another blog that consistently channels anger in a way you can't get enough of to the point of reading the back catalogue just to see what the fuck they wrote about months before you started reading? Enter The Rules of Stupid. To put it simply, anger warms the dark side of this vastly inferior would be incarnation of joker hence the latest installment in what has turned out to be quite a fun little series.
A couple of comments
1. What happens to those that don't follow the rules of stupid?
There are several options:
a) they become account executives
b) nature weeds them out of the gene pool as they fall down elevator shafts, turn the garbage disposal on while their hand is down there, and electrocute themselves while trying to fix a light switch
c) I have them eliminated
d) some combination of the above
My only problem is that nature works too slow so feel free to dish out some orders.
2. Someone you dislike is telling you off, you say a comment, they go all woozy and start spinning their head and a loud Mike Wattish voice says, Finish Him… what would your fatality be?
They would be forced to work at Enfatico. Or a Scanners-esque head explosion.
3. 5 signs you should definitely switch jobs
1. There is a chalk outline of a body on the floor of your office on the first day
2. The phrase “An Omnicom company” appears on the letterhead
3. You suspect that your Group Creative Director is close to figuring out who keeps taking a steaming dump on his desk when he’s out of town
4. The company stops getting free bagels for everyone on Friday mornings
5. AE with the great rack leaves the agency, ending your will to come into the office
I once worked at a place where they started to charge for the coffee and actually had a meeting to discuss "the coffee situation".
4. What would the betting odds be in a fight between you and the world?
If I’m keeping the score, the odds are severely slanted in my favor. Mainly because I’m not really motivated to report the score when the world kicks my ass.
5. Best prank you've ever pulled?
There are two:
1. In high school, I worked out the radio station so I had access to the school late at night with no one around. I managed to splice an eight track tape player into the intercom system so that during the seven minutes you had in between periods, the speaker system constantly played “Play That Funky Music White Boy.” Took ‘em TWO WEEKS of funky white boy dancin’ in the hallways to figure it out and they never managed to bust me for it, although I think they knew who did it. They could just never PROVE IT.
Who got the funk? You got the funk my friend. I would have chosen Breaking the Law, Iron Man, School's Out or Freedom (Rage Against The Machine)
2. I was totally responsible for the Gulf of Tonkin incident. Boy, that was a corker!
LBJ must have been proud :)
6. What would you call your own candy bay, what would be in it, and what would the slogan be?
It would be called Moronic Shutup. It would be made with Godiva chocolate, creamy nougat, almonds, and Super Glue. “Brain Food For AEs!” Once they dig in, their mouths are glued shut, rendering them harmless.
So would you say some AE's are the equivalent to banshees or even mermaids and with their voice rendered useless, we'd be saved? I think there are going to be some random presents being handed out this october... screw razors in the apple.
7. If you had to make an ad for douches, what would the headline be?
“Get what’s in here to take care of what’s down there.”
I'd say sweet but the context puts it in poor taste.
8. How do you think being Politically Correct affects the media and people in general?
Political correctness is groupthink. It presupposes that the rights of the group outweigh the rights of the individual because of mass agreement. There are a myriad of problems this presents.
Nonetheleast of which is the lack of choices available for most brains. Their consideration set is what is offered up to them in the most blatant fashion. Most people don’t realize what their rights are. Or that they even HAVE a choice.
Political correctness in the media is merely a tool. If we can get group agreement on the issues, we can have group outrage. Group intrigue. It’s what the media does the best. Prey on the lowest common denominator. While constantly lowering the lowest common denominator.
I also think it dilutes strong words to the point of them being easy to swallow or harmless to people. Some people establish that some words, phrases or expressions are totally offensive and they might have a point, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be spoken, especially opinions. I think that if anything is great about communication it's our arbitrary ability to understand each other's perspective though most times we end up just trying to prove our point without listening to a counterpoint. Being PC limits the information we receive. Also of note is the hypocritical sense of Political Correctness. Some things can't be said, shown or discussed by I can get a beer sold to me via large tits but I can't hear someone say fuck on late night.
9. If you had to make a spam ad, what would it be for?
My spam ad would be an omnibus ad for lowest pricing on toner, amazing stock tips, chances in the UK lottery, plus a heady mixture of sexual favors & Viagra.
10. How many polls have ended in a tie?
Just two. One was the “Does Size Matter” poll, and the other was the “Should I Stay In Advertising Poll.” The only unanimous poll result was the “Is Dave McLane A Douchebag” Poll, and the answer was unanimously YES!
Lets see if anyone wants to give their votes here to see if we can come to a consensus among the tied polls and about Mein Enfatico... well I'm glad we all agree on one thng :D
11. If you left advertising, what would you do?
I’d do what I do on the side now anyway. Host talk shows on the radio—locally and nationally syndicated fill-in host—plus broadcast minor league baseball games.
Or, I’d continue to dress up in tights and rid the metropolitan area of arch-criminals.
I'd vote for the second, somehow you in tights, though disturbing, makes a better Sci Fi low budget plot to be developed. Do you do any podcasts though?
12. These 5 changes would make advertising a hell of a better industry to work in:
NO corporate holding companies like Omnicom, WPP, IPG, etc.
Less entry level AEs that cost $1.95 a year. More mid-level AEs with smarts and experience.
Better account planning and job scheduling.
Zero tolerance for missed deadlines and budgets.
People tell me shit and people listen to what the fuck I’m saying.
13. If you had a platoon of Spam Commandos, what would you target and what would be your group's code name?
I would target the miserable fucks from the insurance and finance industry who spam your mailbox with requests for you to show up at Holiday Inn the next day--because you would be an OUTSTANDING CANDIDATE to sell that shit—based on the fact that you updated your phone number on careerbuilder.
14. The perfect Chicken Wing Commercial needs________
…to be marinated with beer or wine for 24 hours in advance, make use of Frank’s RedHot, and have me writing and producing it.
15. Offer some words of reality to 5 people who are way too full of themselves
1. Enfatico lead recruiter Dave McLane—You’re not that important. Learn to answer your emails when you’re dangling jobs, fuckhead, or someone will go ballistic and call you on your shit.
2. Tom Cruise—You have made the same fucking movie and played the same fucking role like 15 times. SOME OF US NOTICED!!!!
3. Dr. Laura Schlessinger—Hey, while you’re telling homosexuals they’re going to burn in hell, you might want to mention to your listeners that A) you’re not a doctor of psychology, but have a Ph.d in PHYSIOLOGY, B) you were unfaithful during your first marriage, C) you helped destroy your first husband’s second marriage, D) you had nude photos taken of you while adultering your first husband and E) you’re a hypocrite, in case you didn’t pick up on that.
4. John Locke—He keeps blowing up ways for people to get off the island, and he didn’t have to kill the chick that was the helicopter pilot! Get over yourself, you former cripple!
5. Donny Deutsch—Not only is your agency just pure shit, everything you say makes me want to vomit day-glo. Half-baked fortune cookie bullshit combined with anecdotal shit created to give head to your ego. Hey, tell ya what? Invent a fucking time machine, if you’re so smart, and kill your dad before he starts the agency that he leaves you. THEN we’ll see how fucking smart you are, asshat.
Anger for a fictional Lost character is just pure beauty. As for the rest, Schlessinger scares me with her joker mouth and bobble head ways. Tom Cruise I'd say something but I'm scared the scientologists will come after me.
16. If you were asked to make a difference for your country, what would you need?
I’d need Donny Deutsch to get off his ass and get that time machine built, so I could represent my country in the World Cup back in 1990 and 1994.
I'd ask for a small arsenal, unlimited ammunition and immunity for a week.
17. Quentin Tarantino says he'll direct any script you write, what would the movie premise be and what would you call it?
Renegade Dads Get Even! Four suburan middle class dads—a plumber, an accountant, a computer repair guy, and a mall cop—recruit a band of kung-fu strippers to help them rescue their sons from aliens disguised as a Japanese corporation trying to take over their small town.
Quentin, take notes my friend.
18. Define success.
Doing what you set out to do.
19. Every day, you need to __________
20. Joker 19 – Oneletterman 0 …. Ask me something to get on the board :)
What do you hope people “get” from reading your blog? What do they take away from the interaction, in your perfect mind’s eye?
At the very least I hope people take two things, a smile and entertainment. In my perfect mind's eye this wouldn't change that much. I still don't know what type of relevance this blog has regarding the ad industry and I don't think it matters. I think what we set out to do is just rant and vent via interesting nuggets of would be literature. Myself, Restrictions, Me and even the silent Travis are all very opinionated and we started this blog to pretty much show the dark side of advertising because to a certain degree , or at least in my case, I feel I was oversold an industry without being told of what I would face hence me doing series like Diary of an Intern though I've left it a little short to say the least. And also, I know way too many creatives that blame other creatives for bad advertising and this is my attempt to shift the blame to those who I feel are quite a lot more responsible, ie. clients. Apart from that, I hope we write enough interesting things to make a book that people enjoy reading and look to for a random perspective of the ad industry. Any other purpose of this blog is probably cathartic in the hopes that someone out there reads, laughs (or has some emotional response), thinks and drops a comment.
Thanks for the great answers and remember one line from Rage Against Machine:
Your anger is a gift.
Posted by Joker at 1:13 AM