Dec 9, 2008

I'm the world's worst atheist... but.

I have a hard time having faith or believing. But from time to time shit happens that well, I just cannot explain them and I go... shit. I cannot write or talk to this to anyone but you guys - since I know that most of you don't know me personally and don't know the people involved. But I just had to write about it because it scared the living shit out of me... and at the same time, it was simply... WONDERFUL.

I was married a couple of years ago. Um, a lot of years ago. My exhusband had a wonderful sister. I almost raised this lovely woman. I taught her how to dress cool, how to put on makeup, what cool magazines to read. This was like the sister I didn't have. I used to help her when she was in college, being a copywriter and the fact that I type like a madwoman, so fast, I used to write her essays and stuff for classes. She hanged around our house all the time, I met her lovely boyfriend...

When we got divorced, as any normal human being, I stopped being in her life 24-7. Not because I didn't want to, just because I knew that it was not fair for the other person that would be coming to the family, so she could feel at ease with the "transition", sort of speak. It was just the right thing to do. My exhusband and his family were about to meet his new girfriend and I didn't want to intrude. We just saw each other from time to time, and I always asked how she was.

In her twenties, she got pregnant. She decided to have the baby first, then get married. I was so happy for her, you cannot believe. She had her pregnancy without any problems. She gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. A month after, she fell in a coma. A week before she had planned to get married, to the most wonderful man you could ever have the pleasure to meet, she died. It was devastating. Here she was, a woman full of joy, with a wonderful sense of humor, with all the heart in the world... and she just went away. She died, because - and I didn't know this at that time - when you are pregnant your heart expands a little so that your body can pump blood for yourself and the baby. Her heart didn't shrink to the normal size again and her body could not take it.

It was devastating. For her brother (my exhusband), it just... it made a extremely religious man become atheist. Ipso Facto. I always said that she was his half everything, more even than me, and I even loved that from him. When she died, he changed. He stopped believing in God, because he could not understand how this could even happen. For me... Lord. I went to her funeral, being one woman that didn't like to see people that way... I stood there and cried my eyes out. I started talking to her. "Please, get up. This is not funny. Come on, sweetie, get up." She used to do the most perfect April Fools jokes, and somewhere in my mind I could not even fathom the idea of her not being there. I begged and begged. It was horrible. I still miss her very much so.

Why am I talking about God? Well... you might not believe me, but she visits me from time to time in my dreams. I always know that she passed away in them, those dreams are not the ones that are weird or something. On Sunday, she came to visit me again. I fell asleep in my couch, and it was so cozy that I decided to stay there. Then suddenly, there she was, sitting beside me. I have learned that everytime I see her in my dreams, I always ask the same things: how are you? Are you ok? Your baby is looking great. He looks exactly like you. She asks back: everything ok? I even laugh, I kid you not, because she sometimes gives me shit for something in my life. I know what you are doing here... I know this and that...

This last dream was extremely vivid. I could touch her. I could pass my hands in her hair. I didn't want her to leave. But then, amazing as it can sound, she decided to tuck me over, kissed me goodnight and I turned to the side to keep on sleeping. I awoke because I was moving. It was scary, beautiful and simply unexplainable.

There must be something out there. There must be, because every single time I feel only love all around her. She doesn't come that often. I wish I could call her brother and tell him this, but I know it is very painful for him. Maybe one day I will, many years from now when he can just listen.

But for me, it is a wonderful gift of faith... for one very skeptic human being. I love you "Kako".

6 comments:

Alex Chesbro said...

Your post is very moving. A very sad story that I cannot fathom. But don't waver in your faithlessness (is that a word?)

Her visiting you in your dreams, the sensation of touching her in your dreams, are all part of lucid dreams. They're the ones we remember. Dreams are just memories and algorithms playing in our brain. And memories are amazing. So much more amazing than a (another) mythological deity, and a belief in it.

Keep the memories, and feelings, because they'll last forever. But always be skeptical, because you'll always learn something.

Kansas Bard said...

There are dreams and then there are moments like these. After losing my parents over the course of 18 months (both to cancer), I went through some very difficult times. Even so, I recognized the significance of my father visiting me in my dreams. It doesn't happen often, and sometimes it merely a cameo in a crazy brain-dump kind of dream. But on more than one occasion, I have held him, embraced him, and known with all my heart that he was with me. Something exists beyond what we can see with our eyes. Our brief appearance here is just a part of our total journey. Listen to what your sister-in-law is telling you. Let her be your guide.

Me said...

She is a cool cat, always is busting my balls for something. I can remember once that I was having problems with something that I didn't agree, morally - she came and flat out scolded me for that.

Maybe it's just my imagination... who really knows, right? This is the only time I've really wanted to have faith and not think it's just my brain...

warren said...

This story isn't inconsistent with atheism, you know.

Me said...

Hence the word "but" in the name of the post...

Joker said...

@ Me: Funny, dad's nickname was Caco. Gets you wondering eh? For the record, I am often titled an atheist, which is frustrating to say the least. I always make the distinction that I'm agnostic and people give me shit for it, insisting I'm just an atheist who wants to sound chic. Just to establish my point of view, I believe in the possibility of most things, am not convinced witht he definitions offered by most churches and can't shake the feeling that there is some greater power at work, even if the world makes us question said existence every day. I just say that if there is a God, it isn't her job to clean our messes up for us.

@ Alex: How bout being skeptical yet not losing the faith? I think that's a perfect paradox to explain how I feel most of the time.

@ Bard: I also lost my father to cancer so I can only imagine what it's like to go through that twice. But your experiences are as you say, part of a bigger journey. Our existence is an amusement park, and this is just one of the rides our souls will take.

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