Though that rosy cheeked fat bastard prefers to constantly be calling out for bottom feeding females, I'd rather call for the gift that keeps on giving dear friends. Tis' the season to be jolly and merry and though much shit has happened to have us not feeling our best, there's still much reason to rejoice. But first, the top 5 things that truly suck about the holidays.
5. For some reason, consuming ginger bread houses, candy canes, sniffing pine or the overflow of limp inducing Christmas carols, the tendency to drive like drunken reindeer after a twelve elf orgy would be laughable if I wasn't the one dodging the assholes in Christmas shopping mode. For Christ's sake people, this holiday is commemorating his birth much more than celebrating the existence of a commercialized Saint. Feel free to use turn signals, obey the speed limit and at least not cut me off from my exit. I'm doing my best not to be homicidal, but one of these days my conscience will get the best of me and I'll start pissing on your car doors just to prove a point.
4. New Christmas movies. What ever happened to films like a Christmas Story, Scrooged, and some choice others? When did the standard for Christmas movies drop so dramatically that Martin Short or Tim Allen consistently got a shot to piss me off with some putrid motion picture that would better serve to keep people warm during the holidays? I don't know and yes, though I know that the Xmas movies up to now haven't been exactly horrendous, I still yearn for a real good Xmas movie I can look forward to watching incessantly on TBS for years to come.
3. The fact that I've gotten three times the normal amount of junk mail just because it's the holidays and people want to share the Christmas joy of forwarding with me. Seriously, Santa doesn't exist and neither should these incessant bombardments of virtual prayer beads, Gap coupon offers, or the tantric yoga chain letter of great fortune unless I ignore it.
2. Commercials for Jared and Kay Jewelers. Seriously quit pissing me off with your douche flossing advertisements. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against getting engaged, but some of these commercials teeter on the level of Olive Garden commercials.
1. Everyone insisting on getting along for one month of the year and to hell with the other 11. I know you want the glowing totem action figure with the kung fu chop, but being a dick about me finding it first won't help me sympathize with your cause, especially when I can smell gin tonic, french fries and eggnog in your breath.
Are there more things? Was there something you think I left out? Then by all means, fill in the blanks and tell me where I missed out.
As for me being lost and then some, well, not having access to blogs at work sucks donkey balls but I will have to make due until I can buy a new computer since the one at home isn't cooperating much these days. It's been a not so bumpy ride as of late on the job and I swear I would have never thought I'd be so pleased in a place that's so normal in comparison to all the other psycho babble I've had to swallow the last couple of months before landing the new job. But luckily, this week has given rise to some deliciously random news articles that I definitely think they are worth writing about.
So cheers people. Stay safe, watch out for shitty drivers and feel free to dangle mistletoe from your privates.
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