Dec 26, 2008

Top 10 bathroom rules for men

If anything is obvious by age 25 and up, it's that the world is filled with unspoken rules. Don't hit on a friend's wife, don't bang the human resources manager, don't offer cocaine to be polite, don't flash a supervisor, don't drink company faucet water and thousands of others. Now there's one place where we all have to go that has a long list of unspoken rules that hold water no matter race, religion, age, socio economic category, salary, upbringing or blood type. The bathroom.

No other place in existence has people arriving in a state of such stress only to leave in blissful relief in as consistent a manner. To be fair though, there are hundreds of rules one must observe and obey within the porcelain confines of the pipi room. Here are what I consider to be the top ten rules to observe and obey, but feel free to add your own.

1. Greetings should be limited to non physical acknowledgments. Who the hell wants cock, piss, ass or shit germs on ANY part of their bodies just to be nice and show you care. If you really care, wave or give me the Demolition Man greeting so you can keep your germies to yourself fucker. This applies to recently exited people from the bathroom where no less than three minutes must pass before offering a fraternal and physical greeting to a fellow human being.

2. Moaning is for porn, contain yourself. Though we invite you to relieve yourself, I don't need to be nauseated by some blowjob moan coming from my left.

3. Though casual conversation is allowed, direct eye contact is to be avoided at all costs. I know you're trying to pay attention but pee can be shy or homophobic and though I am interested in learning your take from the weekend fights, I don't condone puppy eyes while you're holding your dick.

4. Phonecalls while you're peeing are ok but while you're shitting, we expect silence. I don't know what's more distrurbing, knowing someone is having a detailed conversation while having to snip a loaf before time, the fact that the person on the other line might or might not know this person is taking a crap, or the unyielding truth that courtesty flushes are totally ommitted since this person is obviously more engrossed in talking shit while taking one.

5. Always, always remember to flush. I know you're proud of your fecal creation but by all means, take a pic with your phone and flush that nasty log.

6. If by any chance you clog the toilet, say SOMETHING. I know you are not particularly thrilled to inform anyone that you took a dump that would have clogged a transatlantic pipeline, here's a little secret: you can lie. Just do your part so other people don't have to go through the experience of looking at your aborted burlap bean burrito fetus folded untidily like some humongous stool calsone.

7. If there are several urinals and there is only one person peeing, you must leave one urinal in between your fellow pisser. If not, you are formally declaring that you are either gay or have had gay thoughts in the last 24 hours.

8. Wash not only your hands, but your nails. I've had the displeasure of seeing people with nails that look like they came from a catfight with a Crunch bar. Seriously people, ew.

9. Farting and peeing are unacceptable. I know you were marveled as a child when you watched your dad take a piss while farting in paralell form. Doing this shit at the office is just asking to have very lonely lunches.

10. Leave your iPod at your desk. Kareoke is bad enough. Listening to you sing Diana Ross while I'm trying to convince my body to get rid of urine is like doing Acid and trying to solve a Sudoku puzzle while dealing with the green gnomes.

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