Jan 11, 2009

Man Vs. Machine Vol. 2 - Printer Jam

On any given day, there are literally hundreds of machines we come into contact with, but few if any are more annoying than a printer when it has a bug up its ass. You see, there is a universal law that clearly states that if you're printing anything of extreme importance, you multiply that by the amount of other files that are trying to be printed, divide that number by 'fuck you' and that's pretty much the error percentage you're going to get from your printer.

The special part of this battle is that there are so many ways a paper can be jammed and another bunch of ways in which you have to improvise to either remedy the problem or humor the printer until it returns to cooperative mode. Seriously, there are so many times that I swear a printer just needs a good scratch and some aggressive attention that it seems the ungodly machine just wants to fuck with you.

The best part is watching the reactions of people when a hissy fissy printer starts giving them shit. It normally goes something like this:

Printer:
- beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-


Any person:
No.... no...


Printer:
whirrrrr voooommmmm


Person:
Come on.... not now......


Printer:
Vernk ... clunk........beep beep beep bepp--


Person:
You .... have.... GOT TO BE .... SHITTNIG MEEEEEEEEE


Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
piece of fucking shit...


Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
I hope you burn one day.

Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
What does error prompt door 1 jam report even mean anyways.


Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
I hope you get recycled into some toilet so I can shit on you...


Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
fuck you...


Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
I hate you..

Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
fucking hate you....

Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
no... you're the one with the error...


Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
piece .... of.... shit


Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person (under their breath):
This is bu bu bu bullshit...


Printer:
Bee bee bee bee bee beeeppppppppp...


Person:
-BANG- -CRASH- -THUNKKKKK- STOMP STOMP Stomp Stomp stomp stomp stomp.................

Machines 2 - Humankind 0...

1 comments:

dearjanesample said...

BRILLIANT! describes every printer I have ever worked with.

why the other day, I printed something and the printer (in an attempt to get some attention) decided to start beeping about having a printer jam in tray 2 (the paper tray for the 11x14 sized paper which no one ever uses) ... But there WAS no paper jam because no one tried to print from tray 2. I still had to open every tray and door in order to try and find a paper jam ... nothing was found .

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