I love my mother with passion and all my heart. This fact by now has to be boring to long time WAS readers, because I write about her a lot. But bear with me, last night mom called and... wow. Those conversations that you have to remember for all your life. So let me share one more time.
So she calls me very late at night. Do you have my photograph when I was pregnant? Yes, I said. Why? That is the only photograph that I have of me pregnant.
Long pause. I know where this is going...
You see, my mom had me when she was 18. She was naive and my father... well, asshole is a word, right? I just think that he met this amazingly beautiful woman and didn't really think things through. So, being a tough cookie she decided to have me. Last night she started talking about how hard it was to be pregnant at such an early age, not knowing what would happen but, still, knowing that I was the best thing that happened to her...
Apparently she had just finished watching Juno for the millionth time and she connected with that little young girl. This movie was, for her, going back in the past and seeing herself with all the big problems in the world on her shoulders. I took the opportunity to ask what I've never dared to: did someone tell her to put me up for adoption... or to have an abortion? She didn't flinch and told me straight out that it was never an option for her. My eyes watered a bit. I thought... whoa mom, your life would have been so much different, with so much more opportunities but still, you chose me over all other things... But I didn't have the courage to tell her that. The thing is, she doesn't even think about it. She told me that I was the greatest thing that she created and was most proud of in all her life.
Hearing that and knowing it has so much power...
The importance of the picture, for her, was the fact that while pregnant, no one would even think about celebrating the moment with a photograph. Although she stood proud to carry a child, she looked around and felt... I guess she felt that she was just alone. It took just a friend with a camera at her university to look at her and go... click. Juno reminds her of that, being alone in a world that she doesn't understand.
I took all the opportunities as I could last night. I just had to ask. I asked about how she learned that she was pregnant. How scared was she? How did she tell my grandpas? What, if anything, did my "father" do to try to make things right for at least a second? (He actually tried, that was a surprise to me). Did she feel safe? Did other people make her feel bad about it? (Not one).
It was just a nice and wonderful thing, talking to mom about bringing me to life. If you have children, please tell them about that part in your life. For me it was just wonderful to share such a deep and intense moment with mom. I promised that I would scan that black and white picture and blow it up for her to hang proudly in her wall.
Thank you mamita, for believing in me and yourself. You are and will always be my hero.