Recently a set of rules were submitted on this blog. Rules that all men should seriously consider following when they go to one of the holiest places at your job. It's a place where no calls have to be taken, where rush jobs don't exist, where time pauses and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's a constitutional right to bear arms, but it's your physical right to relieve yourself of the woes of urine and feces.
But rules are just the start of it all. The toilet mores and pooping axioms set forth should prove useful, but sometimes, there are just things that defy explanation and I'm here to try and find me some answers. The variety of perplexing events and findings would boggle the mind or test your gag reflex and the following are just a brief excerpt of what happens in the realm of porcelain and cherry pucks.
Mystery A: Hair today gone tomorrow.
Call them calling cards, call them a gag inducing gag, but either some guys feel the need to groom while doing number one or two, or there is a magnetic attraction between porcelain and the nether hairs. It's not like I've lost count of how many pubes I've found. Trust me I don't count them. But I have seen more pubes than I am comfortable with archiving in my brain. Theories vary between the little hairs having sentience and wanting to escape to the oceans via septic waterways, to them not being real hairs at all but an invasion of a new lie form composed solely of hair proteins, pubic lint and some sort of bizarre adhesive. If I receive new information, I'll be sure to post it, but also feel free to shed any light onto the pubic mystery.
Mystery B: Pollock in the Potty
Jackson Pollock revolutionized the artistic world by dripping paint onto a canvas. Applause to Pollock for turning a mistake into a million dollar collection of works. But seems the spirit of Pollock roams through all the bathrooms of the world, infecting peers of all races, genders and sizes and prompting them to drip their piss nozzle all over the floor to create an almost theater like texture to stick to your shoes. Spectrometers have been rendered useless confusing ectoplasmic residues with dried urine, but efforts are being made to find the universal answer as to why guys can't keep the piss inside a urinal. Trust me, I can understand a toilet because of distance, angle, trajectory and the ever entertaining urethral antics we have going on, but missing a point blank target? Well, I can also assume people are doing jumping jacks while they're taking a piss.
Mystery C: Eating in the boys room
Amazing but true, I've seen wrappers of candy bars in bathrooms. Now I don't really know about you, but if I stand up and kind of see something that resembles a Baby Ruth, the last thing I want to do is replace it immediately. How anyone can enjoy or see themselves forced into eating while shitting is beyond me, but hey, it's just like advertising. I might not be the target and there might be a bevy of guys who feel the need to always have something within their systems.
Mystery D: Mirror mirror on the floor
Can anyone please explain to me why bathroom floors are so glossy and shiny and reflective? I don't know why this is but having to find new poses to not see the marble silhouette of my penis being readily available to any neighboring pisser is not my idea of fun, comfort or relief. Please, put some matting on them fuckers.
But that's just the skim of the top. I'm sure there are many more mysteries to ponder, gag and mull over. What have you seen in a bathroom that defies explanation?
4 comments:
Guys taking a dump while talking on their cells. Just flat-out wrong.
In my old office, there was a nice 3-stall, 2-urinal men's room. Now I'm at a much smaller operation: unisex bathroom with zero soundproofing, one toilet. And I really don't want to hear the female accountant doing her business.
Another small company had a small space on the floor my agency occupied. A bodybuilder who worked for that company went into our shared restroom every day to prepare his lunch -- a can of tuna. He had an entire ritual with which he poured the fluid out of the can and then consumed the fishy delight. No one ever knew his name, but he was known to everyone in the agency as Tuna Man.
It gets worse. Tuna Man ALWAYS extended one arm upward as far as it would go and put it on the wall while taking a leak. Then he moaned as he pissed.
Damn, we missed Tuna Man when he left.
@ Jets: I wrote about nasty fuckers who shit and talk. Can't handle it either. As for your bathroom downsizing, woe is you my friend. I'm sure you don't want to hear or smell her working on her spread sheet. Here's the link to the post.
http://adssuck.blogspot.com/2008/12/top-10-bathroom-rules-for-men.html
100 AA: Dude... Tuna Man.... that has cameo role written all over it. As for the high up hand while peeing, well it's remarkable how poor our balance is when we relaxed during urination. Returning to Tuna Man for a second... that he prepared his lunch at the bathroom defies all explanation. Regarding the moans, check the link above... I've been there and heard that, blagh.
The Jackson Pollack reference is funny... I got a good chuckle all the way around... It'll be funny now going into the company bathroom trailer now.
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