This is the most disturbing thing ever. You see, in all my life, the best friends that I've ever had were men. I've always been just one of the guys, and I've had the pleasure of listening to them and also, trying to comfort them when they needed it the most. That has given me an unprecedented access to the way men think.
The thing is, in my own past relationships, I never could get it. The "He's not that into you" debacle was not clear to me for quite a while, until once I started thinking... women tend to over complicate everything. I started accepting that only we, women across the world see things where there isn't a thing. I was the first idiot who had a bad relationship with someone and thought... hey maybe he's confused. Nope. That person specifically was not that into me. It took me years, but I finally saw the light: if I just were clear and listened a bit more, things were going to be fine.
I found that by being logical and reasonable I could have a better relationship the next time, and trust me, it has payed of. Not that I think like a man, I just undertand men a whole lot better.
Cut to tonight. One of my best friends when I was little reappeared. I was so happy. He and I have been brother and sister for years, and getting back in touch with him was very easy.
So he calls me up today. Last Saturday, he went out with some chick. Um, let me backtrack a bit. He just got divorced and he's feeling lonely and miserable. He's truly confused and sad. So he did what the rest of us at some point have done: got a little bit wild on alcohol and slept with an innocent bystander. It happens.
So after leaving her at her mother's - long story of her car being there instead of her own house - she calls him back, this one person who gave him her nookie hours before, and tells him "mother wants to meet you". Yeah. Fatal Attraction Bunny Cooker moment. He gets so freaked out, he leaves and tells her... Um, maybe later. Click.
He calls me up. This woman is calling me everyday and I am not that into her. Besides, he tells me, the meet the mother thing just hours after she slept with me gave me the creeps. I am so sorry that I slept with her because I didn't mean to, but hey, I was lonely. What can I say, he asked.
This is where I turn on my own sex and truly become a traitor. I listened to him talk about how difficult this moment in his life was, and that she just pushed his vulnerable button. For the first time in all my life, here I was listening to the complete other side of the coin, the male point of view... and he actually had a point. He didn't mean to have sex with her and now he felt that she wanted something that he could not offer. She has called him nonstop for every single day that has passed. Again, a woman that just slept with him on a whim, now wants a relationship and date? What the honest fuck is going on with single woman in this age?
I asked... Did you try to tell her that this would not go any further? Yes. Did you tell her that you were not looking for a relationship with anybody? Yes. Is her a clinger, in your eyes? Yes! Well dude, if you tell her the truth, if you tell her that it was just a weak moment from your part, you will be the asshole. So... I did the unthinkable. I told him to utter the ugliest line that I could ever listen myself: tell her "It's not you, it's me."
Um... Do you think it will work? Yup. Trust me, been there got a tshirt, I replied. It's better for you to let her think you're damaged than to break her self esteem because you just made a mistake. If you tell her that it was just sex, it will ruin her. Just be gentle... and say a white lie.
I was astonished. Here I was telling my best friend to be the usual asshole that all women meet, just because he truly was totally right. For as long as I've hated men doing this to women, I've never fully understood why this practice still goes on. I thought that all men said it because they didn't have any other interesting excuse out there. I was wrong. They sometimes have an excuse, but it's too painful for the women to hear. WHOA.
This woman expected way too much from someone she just met a couple of hours ago. Clinger women are the worst and he doesn't deserve a stalker just because he boinged her silly. He needed a get free from jail card and quick... and I was the one that gave it to him. A woman. Lord kill me.
The thing is, while having listened to a couple of guys tell it to me at one point of my past, I finally got it. Men usually lie to make you feel better because the truth for some women is just too harsh.
I've known women who insist on dating someone just because they are so lonely they think that they won't find a better man. Or saw women imagining love where there clearly wasn't nothing beyond caring. Those men see that and opt for a nicer goodbye, see you later, we'll always be friends. The "It's not you, it's me" is a nice, civil way to end something and salvage whatever is left. Amazing shit.
It's not having my friend's back completely. I scolded him for not thinking things through and not thinking that this might hurt this poor woman down the road. But he also had a point. He didn't offer promises, he didn't talk beyond his boundaries and the woman just took one little thing and blew it out of proportion.
But tonight, by helping out my sweet friend to become the asshole he doesn't truly want to be but has no other option but break her heart... I was happy. Not because I turned on my own sex. It's simple. It means that at some point of my past, the men that uttered that same phrase... well, they were not into me-into me, but at least, they cared enough not to break my heart.
That's nice to know. Hundred of years later.
UPDATED: He called the chick and used the get free out of jail card. It worked. Some things never change...