May 26, 2009

Beard Envy


As my once mighty afro slowly melts away, I now find myself in the peculiar position of taking great care of what little hair I have left, namely my beard. This in turn has, oddly enough, piqued my interest in other men’s beards, checking out how unique/thick/full/trimmed/well-groomed they can be. I assume that this is not unlike what happens when a flat-chested girl comes across a Bouncy Betty type – she can’t help but look, compare, admire, and hope, while at the same time judge and criticize.

I assure you, there’s nothing bi-curious in my scoping out another man’s facial hair. It’s just that now that I pay so much attention to mine, I must therefore check out the competition.

Beard styles are just as varied as the personalities of the dudes who wear them and can say so many things: smart; intellectual; macho; mature; confident; mystery; sloppy; lazy, slacker; creative; off-beat; radical; revolutionary… it all depends on the style. And nothing frustrates a dude more than not being able to grow the killer beard that another man sports.

It’s always interesting to me to see people’s reaction to beards. In my case, the beard has worked wonders. In high school I was among the first in my class to bring on the facial hair… and the girls LOVED it (because they read it as a sign of rugged confidence), while the boys HATED me for it (they saw it as a threat, that I was manlier than them). Even to this day, many of my old-school friends (thanks Facebook) remember me from back in the day because of my beard… and are happy to see that I still rock it.

Today, my beard is my thing. About 8 years into my marriage, I surprised my wife and two girls one morning by sporting a clean face. Needless to say, they gave me the silent treatment for two weeks. How dare I roam the earth beardless? How dare I not be me? My youngest daughter, who was five then, asked me if it hurt to shave it off… and if I could glue it back on. Her sister, about 17 then, said that it felt as if a stranger were in the house. And my wife? Forget it! I’m grateful she even let me sleep in the house, let alone the same bed.

At the office, reactions to the beardless me were similarly volatile: the women asked to touch my face, giggled at my smooth cheeks, but kindly requested that I not shave again. Their message was clear: It’s cute and all, but don’t joke around like that again, ok?

The guys’ reaction was what startled me. I got the sense that I had let them down, that by shaving I had somehow disappointed them. Because none of them could grow the beard that I could (goatees don’t count), it was as if I were their masculine representative in a mostly female cubicle farm.

Today, I spend a lot of time working on my beard, making sure it’s trimmed just right, that the lines are nice and neat, that no stray hairs break the frame. It sounds crazy, but what can I say? Whatever it takes to get it right must be done. Oh, and a whole new dimension of “bearded-dom” has been added now that I am noticing some grey in there. The key now is to achieve the right mix of salt and pepper.

So here’s to my bearded brothers out there, an ode to you all.
Here’s to the bearded versions of George Clooney, Viggo Mortensen, Jeff Bridges, Harrison Ford, Gerard Butler, Brad Pitt, Craig Daniels, and of course, the beard of all beards, Kris Kristofferson, circa 1974.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am the total opposite. I can't grow facial hair to save my life. And even if I could, it comes in blonde as vanilla ice cream. Does not match the thick brown head of hair I have. Needless to say, if I go for a week without shaving (that's when you can actually SEE it), I feel like a hot mess.

So I take great pride in having the best shave of anyone out there. I've got the badger hair brush. The double-edged safety razor (1948 Gilette Super Speed). The amazingly comforting old fashioned shaving cream that you whip up. Every other day, I treat myself to a 15 or 20 minute shave. It's heavenly.

And yet, I feel like what I imagine you feel like, or how people imagine you feel. The pinnacle of masculinity. Mad Men smooth faces taken to the extreme.

Cary Grant, Gregory Peck, they'd be proud of me and my baby's-ass smooth face.

RestrictionsApply said...

1948 Gilette Super Speed? That's the stuff of manly men.

(Jeez, the testosterone is running high here. Time to break out the Schlitz...)

Me said...

Oh hell yes, beards rock. Nothing sexier period.

I was the one to tell my babe about embracing his "beardly" side back in the day when we were just friends... and now he's hooked.

I just think that you guys look more rugged with facial hair. Me likes, me likes. Now... shaven is also great. But you gotta be careful if you look like a kid. That can be a turn off. It all depends on the face, you know?

Kris, whoa. Haven't seen that dude in a long time. Reminds me of Streisand, hard core.

Claire C said...

Ah, the beard. Dave at Real Men Write Long Copy recently dedicated a post to beardliness too.

I enjoy directing guys to beards.org to see the extremes of facial hair related achievements when they brag about their wispy bum fluff.

But the moustache? It's a no no.

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