Jun 29, 2009

Samurai Sellers: Billy Mays

I made a brief comment but I really meant it when I said I'd put up my favorite infomercial Gods, give their stats and see in the end who would win. Consider this the Deadliest Sellers Grudge Match. Though I could post all the infomercials I've ever watched, I'll save my dignity and simply put up the five guys I watched the most.

Here's how it will work. First an intro. Then a video or two. Then their marquis products. Last but not least. The stats.

Up first, our dearly departed Billy Mays.

While monotone usually communicates drab, boring and one tone communication, Billy Mays could definitely be ranked as a monotone seller. This is simply because he spoke in only one tone:


If you don't like energy, you're watching the wrong seller. Billy Mays was all about power selling and pushing the product's attributes so far down your gullet that you'd be a fool to question his wisdom. With a beard to envy, that flawlessly transitioned into his hair, Billy Mays looked like the love child of Sean Connery and Super Mario and he could pretty much sell whatever the hell he wanted. Cranked up on more high octane rocket fuel than your local space project, Billy Mays yelled his way into your pockets and sold his way into your heart. Like the other elite sellers he could call brethren, Billy Mays' talent to keep you up late at night watching a ten minute commercial was something to behold.

Video Evidence:

Marquis Products:

Mighty Putty

Oxi Clean

Orange Glo


- Pumping more blood through his heart than an entire blood drive
- Getting you excited over an epoxy
- Scaring and thrilling you at the same time over something you really didn't need to buy
- Convincing you that you DID have to buy his product

Weapon of Choice:

Adrenaline fed vocal blasts


- Beard Shine
- Beard Volume
- Beard Strength
- Kabooming voice


- Punches out quickly. He couldn't do a marathon or at least he shouldn't have. He was quick to the punch and quicker to the sale
- Nacho Cheese
- Mechanical Equipment

Special maneuvres:

- Kaboom
- Super Kaboom double thumbs up
- Index Sales finger of death
- The Beard Slam
- The bilingual pitch


- Trimmers
- Volumizing beard shampoo
- The smell of Oxi Clean in the morning


- Shaving Cream
- Shamwows
- Grey hairs


- Hot Wax
- Chewing Gum
- Beard pulling toddlers
- Static electricity


- A beard to make Chuck Norris proud
- Enough Silly putty to go Fight Club on your ass


A true legend of his era, Billy Mays embodied the no holds barred seller that car dealers wet their beds thinking of. That he spoke hundreds of decibles louder than he had to was just a testament at how gun ho he was to sell you his product, even at the expense of his vocal chords.


Jake P. said...

Joker, brilliant idea! I love Deadliest Warrior, but this is even more inspired for those of us who fight in the trenches of creativity and on the plains of advertising and marketing.

I'm assuming King Popeil is in there, but I'll look forward to seeing who else and how it all plays out.

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