Jul 9, 2009

Samurai Sellers: Chef Tony

NĂºmero three on the Samurai list, is the miracle dagger wielding Chef Tony.

How good is Tony Notaro at seeling a plate of thinly sliced, gourmet rottiserrie bullshit? Well what would you say if I told you that our beloved Chef Tony wasn't actually a chef and is and has been a salespitch guru for the better part of 35 years?

But what about the hat? The sash? The handkerchief? And his absolute mastery of a kitchen knife. Well, just because you can wield a Ginzu doesn't make you a culinary black belt, it just makes you handy with a knife and though I'm sure he can make a mean hoggie sandwich, that doesn't take from the fact that he's not a chef, it only makes you appreciate his prowess in the business even more.

What other person could inspire millions of people to dice cans, scrape a knife on concrete to then go to a tomato and/or slice a pineapple in mid air? No one. So what if he has a pornstache? One minute with him guarantees that you'll be dying to find out what the hell else he's going to slice through only to finish by fileting a tomato.

Video Evidence:

Marquis Products:

Miracle Blade Series
Brown and serve bags


- Slicing and Dicing
- Slicing any fruit hurtled in his direction.
- Dicing and slicing

Weapon of Choice:

Miracle Blades and a whole lot of fake italian saavy


- Grip
- Distracting pornstache
- Chef hat of shame


- Real recipes
- Forks
- Spoons

Special maneuvres:

- Midair pineapple fatality
- Concrete Can Tomato Combo
- The Wallet Dicer


- Sharp Cutlery
- Tomatoes
- Shiny things that cut


- Plastic Cutlery
- Rust


- A dull day
- Greasy fingers


- More knives than any neighbor probably feels comfortable with.
- A sharp wit..... wow that pun SO sucked


Chef Tony ain't no chef, but he can sure slice you a tender loaf of BS to convince you to buy a second set of kitchen knives you didn't need in the first place.


Me said...

Cried. Of. Laughter.

This is one of your best series ever. Still laughing...

Jake P. said...

Beee-utiful! I've been anxiously awaiting the next episode, and you nailed it again. I'm tweeting ya right after I publish this.

Yeah, you know, I always thought that you had to earn the name "Chef," but I guess it's a little like the Seinfeld "Maestro" episode. You can just give yourself a title and everyone will eventually use it.

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