Jul 9, 2009

Samurai Sellers: Chef Tony

NĂºmero three on the Samurai list, is the miracle dagger wielding Chef Tony.



How good is Tony Notaro at seeling a plate of thinly sliced, gourmet rottiserrie bullshit? Well what would you say if I told you that our beloved Chef Tony wasn't actually a chef and is and has been a salespitch guru for the better part of 35 years?

But what about the hat? The sash? The handkerchief? And his absolute mastery of a kitchen knife. Well, just because you can wield a Ginzu doesn't make you a culinary black belt, it just makes you handy with a knife and though I'm sure he can make a mean hoggie sandwich, that doesn't take from the fact that he's not a chef, it only makes you appreciate his prowess in the business even more.

What other person could inspire millions of people to dice cans, scrape a knife on concrete to then go to a tomato and/or slice a pineapple in mid air? No one. So what if he has a pornstache? One minute with him guarantees that you'll be dying to find out what the hell else he's going to slice through only to finish by fileting a tomato.


Video Evidence:



Marquis Products:

Miracle Blade Series
Brown and serve bags

Skills:

- Slicing and Dicing
- Slicing any fruit hurtled in his direction.
- Dicing and slicing

Weapon of Choice:

Miracle Blades and a whole lot of fake italian saavy

Strengths:

- Grip
- Distracting pornstache
- Chef hat of shame

Weaknesses:

- Real recipes
- Forks
- Spoons

Special maneuvres:

- Midair pineapple fatality
- Concrete Can Tomato Combo
- The Wallet Dicer

Likes:

- Sharp Cutlery
- Tomatoes
- Shiny things that cut

Hates:

- Plastic Cutlery
- Rust

Fears:

- A dull day
- Greasy fingers

Owns:

- More knives than any neighbor probably feels comfortable with.
- A sharp wit..... wow that pun SO sucked


Summary:

Chef Tony ain't no chef, but he can sure slice you a tender loaf of BS to convince you to buy a second set of kitchen knives you didn't need in the first place.

2 comments:

Me said...

Cried. Of. Laughter.

This is one of your best series ever. Still laughing...

Jake P. said...

Beee-utiful! I've been anxiously awaiting the next episode, and you nailed it again. I'm tweeting ya right after I publish this.

Yeah, you know, I always thought that you had to earn the name "Chef," but I guess it's a little like the Seinfeld "Maestro" episode. You can just give yourself a title and everyone will eventually use it.

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