Aug 31, 2009

Divine 69 - Part 1 of 7 -- 69- 60

As stated before, us men have issues and try as we may, our dicks are at times mightier than our sense of logic. So here's the first installment of the Divine 69. The number chosen is as childish as the premise so by all means, if you don't have a sense of humor, check another post.

69 fictitious female characters that for one reason or another were appealing at some point of our lives.

So where do we start? Well at the bottom of the list.

69. Marcy - Peanuts

Before you go scratching your heads and screaming ugh, hear me out. This is officially the first lesbian cartoon ever and the fact that she had those fogged up glasses made you wonder just what it would look like for her to be eating Peppermint's Patty while asking for more sir. Stoic, nerdy, submissive. The only ugh's you should be hearing should be muffled and sexual.

68. Farah - Prince of Persia

Ok so a palace's worth of people have just been slaughtered and you're still going after the girl.... she'd better be worth it right? Farah is one of a papyrus scroll's worth of damsel's in distress that prompt men to do stupid shit just to save the day. Courageous to some, but to us men who know what his motivation is, this is one of those cases where the penis is mightier than the sword.

67. Sailor Jupiter - Sailor Moon series

Move over Sailor Moon, this green clad, tomboy schoolgirl from this overly formulaic series was a much better choice when it comes to picking your favorite fake schoolgirl badass. She could kick your ass, score higher in any sport than you and poke you in the eye with her breast. Millions of teenage guys watch at least one episode of Sailor Moon and truth be told, this gal probably got their attention much more because she wasn't that much of a ditz and because since she was such a sports hound, you were sure she knew how to handle her balls.

66. Judy Jetson - The Jetsons

I was amazed at how many white haired girls and the furthest down was the trampy Judy Jetson. I'm 100% sure Astro had to be taken to a vet after he saw her come out of the shower and proceed to lick himself until the lipstick went splooge. Judy is your typical American teen hottie and she probably knows it, but that doesn't take from her assets. Pretty, hip, cute, knows how to manipulate her father with the best of them, weird 80's abstrac oblong hairdo... she pretty much had it all and you'd be hard pressed not to spring your sprocket at least once in honor of Madame Judy.

65. Dead or Alive Girls

In life there are very few things certain. 1. We have no idea how enormous the universe is. 2. The only thing more common on Earth than hydrogen is stupidity. 3. We're going to die eventually. 4. Men are fascinated by breast. My friends, this is not a confession, it's pretty much comfirming the obvious, and I repeat... men love breast. We are childish, visual, oral, and are fans of supersizing everything from combos, to cars, to well... videogame characters. That the Dead or Alive series put such a focus on bouncing breast almost undermines that the games were actually pretty good. That they were able to come out with a spinoff of the girls playing volleyball on a beach resort just cements it... men love breast.

64. Tula - Pirates of Dark Water

In the lineage of olive skinned heroines, Tula definitely ranks high on my list of fictitious women I was fascinated by in part because this excellent series went so under the radar. Simply put, dark skin, cat eyes, night sky hair and braids, and I say uncle. Trust me people, if a guy saw this series, he definitely wanted to do some sinking in the seas of Tula.

63. Six - Tripping the Rift

How many chauvanistic pig men would love a robot that performed their every sexual whim... and how many would curse their luck if she actually happened to have taste. That's Six for you. Sexy, sexual, intelligent, resillient and freakishly nimble. If you need anything else to get your libido stirring you should cut out the propofol from your diet.

62. April O'Neil - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Delicious reporter in a yellow jumpsuit, how we love thee. More nourishing than a pizza, how those turtles didn't try and give you some shell is beyond me. April O'Neill was one of the reasons why Saturday mornings were so awesome to begin with. So what if she could find any piece of dirt on you, wouldn't it be worth it just to trump KC Jones for once and show her the true meaning of Turtle Power?

61. Ariel - The little Mermaid

Tell me that you didn't want to have a seashell flipping spatula and I know you're lying. Ariel was Disney's answer to splash and Darryl Hannah ain't got nothing on this redhead. Ariel was quirky, fun, adorable, beautiful, curious, odd and more than a little out of sorts with the english language. But face it, if you were faced with a woman that cool and beautiful, wouldn't you think the term dingle hopper sounded sexy? Well I would.

60. Aspen Mathews - Fathom Comic series

In my initial search for the top ten characters this list was supposed to be, a friend of mine actually sent me five names he insisted on being included on this list, and among them I was introduced to Aspen Mathews... She's a badass, she surfs and she is probably hotter than anything you've ever dreamed of. Keep the drooling to a minimum though guys, I did mention she's a badass and if needbe, she'll kick your ass and make you swear you like it... and you probably will.


golublog said...

I always wondered why men wanted to bang cartoons. But I did always have a bit of crush on gambit from x-men. And Gastan from beauty and the beauty. Hmm...

Joker said...

SO I see it's not exclusive :D As for guys wanting to do it with cartoons, you're mistaken... guys want to do it with everything :D

Thanks for the comment and well..... 6 more posts to go


shaun. said...

LOL....yesssssss. This is genius.

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