Great stuff!!!!!!!!

Click at the name of the post!!!!!!

Well, allow me to retort!

Greetings from the summer of 1996

Five Logos that Define: Me

Been a while, huh? Yes my friends, time to think a little and remember with love the Five Logos that everytime I see them I think... FUCK WHY DIDN'T I DO THAT? Those little logos that for some are just nothing, for the rest of us are pieces of art. Note that these are not brands that define me, that I wrote about a few months ago. This is all about design at its best. So in no particular order... here are my top five logos.

1) PanAm.
Oh Jesus Christ what a lovely design. Since I am old enough to remember flying on one or two of them... This logo takes me back when my grandpa used to whisk me to incredible places like Italy, France, Mexico, Spain... Simple and to the point. The world is your oyster. Enjoy it.



2) FedEx
OOOOh... That little arrow hidden in there? Genius. Love it.



3) Coca Cola
Lovely. Red. A logo for the ages. Jesus Christ protect that logo and don't make them change it... Let only the idiots at Pepsi crap all over a decent logo. This one is a keeper.



4) Marlboro
Oh lord. Smoking. Just don't get me started. What a pleasure... The Marlboro logo is king. It defines big, strong... Ballsy. You have not smoked if you at least didn't suck on one of those. Yeah yeah. Smoking is bad for you. Well if you ask me... fuck it. We all die at one point.



5) Bacardi
Who was the fucking genius that said "A bat would be awesome for a rum logo"? Come on! You see the bat and you think "LET'S GET IT ON!". EPIC logo. Epic.



So there they are. My top five logos of all time. What about you? What logo tickles your private places in a very nice way?

How could this thing happened? Ratatouille!

I am kicking myself in the ovaries. Hard Core. I am mad at myself, Hulk mad. I haven't told you about the wonder that is Ratatouille! Blasphemy!

A couple of months ago I was so idiotic that I wrote that people would love to watch Ratatouille instead of another movie and this was a mistake. By all means, you can spank me anywhere you choose. I deserve shame upon me. But the wonder of this blog is correcting your mistakes and admitting them. So in order to make all things good in the world and earning my place in heaven, I will gladly report how simply wonderful this movie is.

Ratatouille rules!!!!! You first think... oh come on a kids movie! NO WAY! This is NOT for kids. Yes, they will love the little rats and giggle at their funny story. But this film, at last, is one of those gems done for us.

First of all, the animation is spot on. Talk about beautiful and elegant. Every little detail! The colors, the little hairs on every single rat, the set designs... oh did I mention the film is in Paris? Trust me, I went there a couple of months ago and they did it justice. They portrayed the city as beautiful as it is.

The voices? Incredible! In this film they did what seemed to be crazy. The actors are not stellar "you know me by my voice" dudes and dudettes. There are a few surprises that I hope you catch, but I think I got what they were doing. Instead of casting high profile actors, they focused on a great script and great animation. Gutsy move if you ask me.

The thing about the film that I love is... it's about cooking and enjoying life. It's about the beauty of flavors, the nurturing side of food, the art that it is. Again, not something that a little kid can notice. But it does have its kid lesson: you can do anything if you try hard enough. A perfect recipe for adults and kids. Damn, if more animated movies were like this one, we'd all come flocking in the theaters. For me it was a surprise.

So, the next time you dismiss a movie just because you think it's for kids, remember my blunder. Don't judge a movie by it's main audience. You will surely be surprised at what they serve you for 8 bucks and a bucket of pop corn.

Clint Eastwood is the man.

So today after feeling crappy and sick, I decided to take the day off. Some of my Netflix movies were hanging around and I decided that tv was not good enough so I thought... let's give this film a chance. In all honesty, when I pressed "play" I thought... This is Angelina Jolie we're talking about. You rarely like anything that she's in. But you do love some Clint Eastwood... What a dilemma.

So the film started and I was reluctant in many ways...

I am glad to report that I was wrong. This movie is a beautiful piece of work. Why? It's just Clint. You can feel him all around it. From the first sound you hear, the now familiar score that Eastwood himself wrote, you think... ah... that beautiful music. I was hooked. Trust me, I thought I was going to press "stop" at any time, but I couldn't.

So what is Changeling about? It's a true story about a simple working woman who one day gets home and finds that her son is missing. While she tries to beg some help from the corrupt police in LA, months go by. People start talking about how bad the police is... Suddenly a boy arrives, claiming that he's the missing boy. But a mother knows when she looks at one child, you know? This is not her boy. What can she do? When you are screaming at everyone that comes near that this boy is not yours but everyone starting with the kid is repeating the same thing over and over again?

This is a very sad story that got me not wanting to stop. Eastwood has this talent of making us want to watch more... It is simply amazing. I remember one time I rented True Crime, a simple movie about one dude who was accused for a crime he did not commit... I almost had a heart attack. It was soooo good and so incredible I wanted someone to tell me the end quickly so I could not suffer anymore. This movie is kind of like that.

Did Jolie deserve the nod from the Oscars? Hm. I don't know. She was decent, she didn't overact that much, so that's good in a way. But this movie seemed like a group effort. It wasn't her alone that made this movie great. It was a mix of everything. The story in itself is very powerful and it takes over everything. Good actors galore. Even the kids were very good. But I cannot say that one particular actor or actress made it better.

Would I recommend it? Sure thing. If you like Eastwood's work and style, this sure is a movie you gotta see. Now, in all fairness, he has done quite better in films like Unforgiven, Grand Torino and Million Dollar Baby. Those were pieces of art. Period. But this is a nice follow up, if you get my drift. Oh, the music... Jesus. I would have never thought I would love so much music from this Smith and Wesson carrying macho man.

Kudos, Mr. Eastwood. Loved it.

Damn, this is cool.

Do you want a WHAT?

Saggy boobs.

This is one of those questions that is harder to crack than the meaning of life: when did our time, effort and expertise suddenly doesn't count for shit? How low can we go when pricing something? What of all those important details is worth less money?

Let me state the obvious again. If some douchebags out there keep working for an insane amount of money - insane meaning 50 bucks for a print ad, you get the picture - the rest of us will suffer for it. I've begged an begged. For the love of Ogilvy, DO NOT CHARGE A SHITTY AMOUNT FOR A JOB. But it seems that I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for nothing.

Seems that in this economy, there are shitbags who decided to work for water and bread. While they have the right to do so, they are not thinking that by doing this crap they endanger MANY small businesses. Granted, there are some pieces that don't deserve a huge price. But come on... 60 bucks for a flyer? Fuck you and the Mac you rode in on. How many hours will you spend on that fucker? Three? Four? Are you honestly charging 15 an hour? Jesus Christ.

The thing is, by idiots out there doing this crap, today I had the longest day of my life trying to bargain a monthly fee. I started at normal. Then it went down to decent. Then... I just opened my ass and let them see my lungs. Yeah, basically I stopped the number game just before I became just a prostitute, taking any money just for the job. Just to get by? No fucking way.

I'm so sorry but it's just not making any sense. While there are some decent graphic artists out there who can work a decent piece, there is something about experience, talent, creativity and quality control that you cannot buy for 200 bucks a pop. Trust me, I haven't got a thing about people who work from home and have never set foot inside an agency. I've seen many great creatives who decided not to go the agency route and deliver great ads. While they charge a small amount, they do that because they don't need anything more. Just enough to pay the rent, light, water, cable and sex bill. That's it.

But if a client wants a full agency service, by all means tell me how the fuck can I charge 5k a month for that. The astounding thing is, again I say it... If I go to my doctor, I don't tell him to lower his costs when cramming things up my butt. Yes, there are doctors who charge less. But... ok. Let me give you the basic example. Plastic Surgery.

Say you have saggy boobs. You look at them and you say... damn. Saggy. So one day you decide to save up. You save 4k. You go in your local Plastic Surgeon. The price for having them boobies all pointy again is? 6k. You read about the doctor. Oh yes, he's good. He has won many prizes and has a shitload of diplomas hanging around. He must be damn good. Boobies will not sag anymore. But you have 4k. Do you go get operated on with a cheaper doc, maybe ending up either with awful boobs - or dead - or do you save up some more and end up with the nicest pair of titties ever? See my point?

Yes. If my client wants some fucked up boobies, by all means call someone else. If you want them pointing north... call me. I'll do the job. For a decent amount of bucks.

Period.

Face it: You. Can't. Eat. It!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Beard Envy

As my once mighty afro slowly melts away, I now find myself in the peculiar position of taking great care of what little hair I have left, namely my beard. This in turn has, oddly enough, piqued my interest in other men’s beards, checking out how unique/thick/full/trimmed/well-groomed they can be. I assume that this is not unlike what happens when a flat-chested girl comes across a Bouncy Betty type – she can’t help but look, compare, admire, and hope, while at the same time judge and criticize.

I assure you, there’s nothing bi-curious in my scoping out another man’s facial hair. It’s just that now that I pay so much attention to mine, I must therefore check out the competition.

Beard styles are just as varied as the personalities of the dudes who wear them and can say so many things: smart; intellectual; macho; mature; confident; mystery; sloppy; lazy, slacker; creative; off-beat; radical; revolutionary… it all depends on the style. And nothing frustrates a dude more than not being able to grow the killer beard that another man sports.

It’s always interesting to me to see people’s reaction to beards. In my case, the beard has worked wonders. In high school I was among the first in my class to bring on the facial hair… and the girls LOVED it (because they read it as a sign of rugged confidence), while the boys HATED me for it (they saw it as a threat, that I was manlier than them). Even to this day, many of my old-school friends (thanks Facebook) remember me from back in the day because of my beard… and are happy to see that I still rock it.

Today, my beard is my thing. About 8 years into my marriage, I surprised my wife and two girls one morning by sporting a clean face. Needless to say, they gave me the silent treatment for two weeks. How dare I roam the earth beardless? How dare I not be me? My youngest daughter, who was five then, asked me if it hurt to shave it off… and if I could glue it back on. Her sister, about 17 then, said that it felt as if a stranger were in the house. And my wife? Forget it! I’m grateful she even let me sleep in the house, let alone the same bed.

At the office, reactions to the beardless me were similarly volatile: the women asked to touch my face, giggled at my smooth cheeks, but kindly requested that I not shave again. Their message was clear: It’s cute and all, but don’t joke around like that again, ok?

The guys’ reaction was what startled me. I got the sense that I had let them down, that by shaving I had somehow disappointed them. Because none of them could grow the beard that I could (goatees don’t count), it was as if I were their masculine representative in a mostly female cubicle farm.

Today, I spend a lot of time working on my beard, making sure it’s trimmed just right, that the lines are nice and neat, that no stray hairs break the frame. It sounds crazy, but what can I say? Whatever it takes to get it right must be done. Oh, and a whole new dimension of “bearded-dom” has been added now that I am noticing some grey in there. The key now is to achieve the right mix of salt and pepper.

So here’s to my bearded brothers out there, an ode to you all.
Here’s to the bearded versions of George Clooney, Viggo Mortensen, Jeff Bridges, Harrison Ford, Gerard Butler, Brad Pitt, Craig Daniels, and of course, the beard of all beards, Kris Kristofferson, circa 1974.

Huh?

You and me and... what makes three?

So just a quick post.

We have been talking about it.

We decided, finally.

I stop buying my pills on Sundays this December!!!!!!!

You are all going to be uncles and aunts late 2010!

Yeyyyyyyyyyy...

Not looking back in anger

Having switched jobs a full 6 months ago and being exposed to advertising in low freelancing doses has taught me quite a few things about myself, about advertising, about jobs and about life itself. The more time passes the more I realize that at the very least, this ad hiatus is just what the doctor ordered. I can still flare up occassionally, but the constant anger that I used to live in has been erased in it's majority. It's not to say I'm not exposed to bullshit, it's just that quite honestly, it's the first time I work in a real company. In case you don't follow me, here's my point in one line form:

An ad agency is not really a company.

How can I say that? How do I dare? Pretty fucking simple. A company does not have a 45% yearly turnover rate. A company is not constantly vulnerable to competing companies. Things move slowly in a company while an agency can literally be killed off in about a year's time. A company offers benefits and incentives, not excuses and constant pink slips. A company respects the quality of life of the people that work for them, an agency squeezes you dry and at the hint of passé they toss you like an empty shell. A company looks for alternatives to cutting people, an agency has cutting personnel as their #1 method of cutting costs, ESPECIALLY in creative. A company gives you money or a gift card if you work on a Sunday, an agency totally expects you to not have a life in the name of acquiescence which they insist is creativity. A company doesn't force its employees to pay for their parking, an agency thinks you're lucky you don't have to walk to work. A company insists you share your ideas, an agency insists you take a number.

So is that some old latent ad hate? Maybe, but the thing is that though my job is not the most awesome job in the world, for ONCE in my life I'm able to say I'm satisfied with what I do on a daily basis. But I look at the great friends I've left at agencies. Agencies I actually ushered them into, where I put them on the spot to get ramfucked by bullshit revisions, idiot supervisors and severely incompetent clients. I look back and I don't feel anger and I can't say I feel pity, because you endure only as much as you allow someone to push you. The last two times I've quit, I've done so for the same reason, for a better quality of life and in an act of saying fuck you to people who dared disrespect me when all I did was work my ass off, fail my family, miss outings and burn myself to a pathetic crisp. I look at my friends and wonder how they can cope with the same patterns that drove me to throw my shoe on two separate occassions and inspired me to react in ways that were detrimental to my mental, spiritual and physical health. I miss them. Every single day I miss their crazy fucking selves and yet, I'm not ever willing to go back to a shitty agency for the sake of my team... and that's not because I don't care about them... quite the contrary. It's just that we deserve better and most likely, you probably do also. So if you see me on a mound of jobs smiling from my shit cubicle, just realize that it's up to you to be satisfies with what you're doing based mainly on where it is you decide to put up with anything.

So here's to hard working friends, not so hard working friends, friends who've left the ad business all together and us who are able to finally enjoy writing a copy by having more freedom than we'd ever thought we'd have.

Cheers

Fortune Cookie 500 #'s 271-275

On patience

Virtue, talent, and endangered species are all worthy descriptions.


On lame mornings

Frustration and apathy are soul congestions that impede you from smelling the roses.


On complacency

Life is as easy or hard as you make it.


On appearances

Perception shall trump hard work 4 out of 5 times.


On taking credit

Someone will always be available to take credit for brilliance.

Time is money

The title of this post is the classic business quote for these ultra-capitalist times. Time is money and it sickens me to realize that this is true. The currency of the new economic landscape is not the dollar. It is time. Success is not measured in dollars and cents; it’s measured in days and hours.

Something as simple as leisure time, time for you to do whatever you want, whenever you want to, is today’s luxury item. Just look at your current employee contract with your employer. Aside from your probably lame salary, your vacation days (including personal and sick days) are the second most valuable items on that paper. Isn’t that pathetic?

In many office jobs, these “free” days are dealt with as one would deal with high-yield stock options. Notice how people negotiate vacation time with fervor, often competing with other colleagues to ensure they get the days off they want.

Other examples:
When high-end executives move from one company to another, one of the things they defend the most – above juicy bonuses and company stock – are vacation packages and 401K roll-overs (retirement, which is nothing more than an extended vacation).

Nine times out of ten new moms will return to the office demanding flexitime or working from home. All of a sudden, because there is a baby at home, time gains new value. Rather than burning the midnight oil to get that useless presentation done, they now see that spending time at home is important.

When you get fired, a large chunk of your severance pay is made up of unused vacation time. The company has already assigned a value – a dollar amount – to time that is yours. You can use these days to negotiate other terms and conditions regarding your employment.

Many companies demand that you arrive at a specific hour, but have no problem in never asking what time you left the office that evening. Because many agencies don’t pay overtime, it doesn’t cost them anything. However, when you work past the eight standard hours as established by law, you begin to LOSE money, while the company still MAKES money from the sweat off your back. Therefore, your time is worth less money.

I have an art director friend whom I greatly admire because he decided to say Fuck It to the entire system and be the boss of his time. This is a married man with a four year-old boy, a mortgage, two cars… the works. He works freelance but has the guts to establish the terms because he values his time above everything else: time for surfing, time with his kid, etc. How does he do it? He only accepts jobs he can do at his home office and DOES NOT do stuff that’s rush. If there is not at least two days’ notice to get the thing done, call someone else.

This is a guy who has turned down six-figure salaries at big agencies on numerous occasions, because he knows that if he were to accept, he’d be a slave to The Man and have no time to do the things he likes. It helps that his lifestyle is not very demanding, but he enjoys what he does. He doesn’t need to be Regional VP Creative Officer to be fulfilled professionally.

All said, this guy is wealthy in the sense that his time really is HIS. We should only hope to have guts like this.

LOL.

Thank You JJ Abrams.

So yes, I had to pass on the review of Star Trek the movie because it was going to be extremely biased. (We now have to use the lessons learned in Heckler - NOT) But this next one... I'm fully qualified to do: The Lost finale was fucking awesome!!!

BTW: Don't worry Joker. I will not post one single piece of spoiler activity so that you can carry on not sleeping and enjoying the wonderful "What the Fuck is this Program about" world.

So... back to the review... Jesus in Heaven!!! What a masterpiece, dammit. The first five minutes of the finale can be compared to JJ Abrams just getting naked, getting his shlong out in public and proceeding to claim that he has the biggest penis in all the world. At least, that is what I would do after such a month. Star Trek being such an excellent piece of work? Bingo. Then, this finale????? Yes, I would show my penis. Yes, I would claim its wonderfulness (is that a word?). This man has concocted up one of the greatest shows, one of those that waaaaaay down the line my children and yours will love to watch on some kind of new technology. Maybe Holographic projections? Who knows. Lost is just perfect. Think Twilight Zone, then take it to eleven. A classic Sci Fi program for all the ages to come.

This show is all about rewards. Yes, like maybe American Express points. You spend and spend and then... the gift is coming. You are given rewards if you are pot committed (poker reference for RestrictionsApply), and I'm not talking about the one that grows. The more and more you sit there and spend hours just screaming at the tv going: "Where is all this shit going?" as loud as you can... JJ says thank you with a big smooch up your ass. And you sit there and ask for more. More. MORE!

I jumped. I screamed. I want ballistic in one or more scenes, Flat out. Even my boyfriend who does not love the series was jumping along with me. Now, he's all hooked. And it was all because excellent plot twists, an incredible script and, let's face it, the best damn season finale ending we both have seen in... AGES. DECADES.

Never gotten Lost before? Well, my dear WASians, please rent them right now. Start at the top and end up with your sleep hours fucked up like the rest of us. If you think you didn't sleep with 24 and Jack Bauer... you don't know what's in store for you. Literally.

Hurry up so you can enjoy 2010 with the rest of us Dharma lovers!

PS: You have to agree with me on this one. Darth Vader. The Emperor. Dammit, even Khan. They all suck when compared to the Evil Genius that is Ben Linus.

Open Letter to Hip Wannabes

Dear Dude Trying to Communicate with Young People:

The advertising/marketing industry is made up of young people. Accept it and get used to it. You are surrounded by people who don’t know what a 45 record is, have never had to switch TV channels without getting their ass off the couch, let alone think of an age with no cable TV.

As an over 35 year-old, you have a specific role in your agency: get that check cashed every two weeks and pray for your yearly bonus. DO NOT think that because your teen daughter thinks you’re cool, that you are, because you are not.

You have no place writing copy or designing ads geared at young people. You have no say in what is the best way to “engage the youth market.” The only people over 35 qualified to do so are MTV and Nickelodeon, and these people are geniuses. You are not.

Why do I say this? Because you still think that wild and crazy electric colors in design will do the trick. You still think that using graffiti fonts is the way to go. You still think that using slang from 1998 is hip… even in 2009. You still think that using a hunky spokesperson is powerful enough to sway the youthful masses.

Cool it, dude, and get back to your cubicle.

Typpos are Phunny.

Click at the name of the post for more...

Live Long and Prosper.

Is this FOR REAL?!?!?!??!

Exorcise That Spirit

Wow, this anger has been festering ever since I saw the Spirit at the theater whenever the fuck I did watch it. I was awestruck, dumbfounded and I don't think I'd seen a movie THAT bad since The Avengers with Uma Thurman and Sean Connery.

So how bad is the movie? OK first off, lets clear things off that I did watch Heckler and will do my best to not totally bash shit without merit.... now this fucking movie though deserves no mercy. how bad is the movie? Well if you like David Lynch try to imagine what would happen if a Scifi made for TV director was told to make a David Lynch movie with no restraints towards a budget. That pretty much sums up the Spirit for me.

Shit man, I loves me some weird movies, but cool weird, interesting weird or at least weird weird. The Spirit is at the point where you can force people to watch the entire movie as a dare. It's that bad, and that illogical which shows why Frank Miller is a great comic book writer, but a shitty director.

The anger comes from me having watched a trailer and thinking I was going to be blown away rather more than me watching something that simply blows. Illogical script that begs the question of just how boring a movie can be written. The script had to read like some lame adlib that made no sense and still managed to be boring. The trailer was probably like getting drunk and looking at a hooker and saying I'm gonna gets some good loving only to find out that you can only go in through the back door since her name was Ralph. The trailer is THAT misleading.

If you're into eye candy though, then there are some scenes that do save the movie from being a completely detriment to society and yes Jamie, though that sounds harsh, it also happens to be true. The movie sucked and I was laughing just asking how much worse it could get, which was answered by every subsequent scene. Trust me, I TRIED to get into the movie. I TRIED to give it a shot but wow, it felt as flat as Mooly Cyrus's brain activity (nope still not gonna write it correctly).

I'm telling you this to warn you. Don't waste your money, hell don't waste your Netflix rental spot on your queue on this piece of shit, because honestly, it's just plain bad and the story has no way of convincing me otherwise.

Will there be someone who likes and even loves this movie? Well if Susan Boyle can get offered a million pounds to shag in a porno, then anything is possible. Hell, even I love borderline unwatchable movies, because they're so campy and shitty that I enjoy the mayhem. Fuck, who even knows if I'll like this movie and make it a future Guilty Pleasure? But for now, well let's just say I'd rather tweeze my asshole clean than watch that movie again.

Regardless though, my warning has been offered, the choice is still yours. If you want some egg on your face, even if it's just a glob, then knock yourself out.

cheers

People who Annoy me: Volume 9: Kanye West

Been a while since I totally went on a bitch fit and who better to sound off on than Heir Kanye. Let's put it this way, if you constantly refer to yourself in the third person, you need a reality check. This self declared voice of this generation speaks volumes.. but unfortunately, it's all about himself, how great he is, how significant he is and how the world needs a Kanye West just a little less than oxygen and water.

Ok so he's got a few decent beats, some interesting hooks, and he's sold some discs... Let me ask you something though, do you think that if Kanye sodomized a tween while wearing a Peter Pan outfit, he could then mount a comeback tour and sell it out to make about 400 million bucks? I didn't think so either. That's because even if Kanye West is audacious enough to do a culturally significant comment on the news by channeling his inner eighth grader, he's still a little chump in the grand scheme of things.

So what's the beef with Mr. West? pretty simple. He's cut from the same bullshit material Sean Combs is cut with. And yes, I said Sean Combs, not Puffy, not Puff Daddy, not P. Diddy or any of the other twenty surnames that schlong shiner has adopted. So they gots money, so they gots bling, so they sips on tha crystal, but it ain't no thing but a chicken wing.

Put quite simply, I don't give a shit about your bling, or your crib or the mega influence you have on our nation's seriously musically misguided youth. As if the bullshit bravado from being brought up on the mean streets of some yuppy suburb isn't enough of a deterrant, using shiny glitter gloves, and a voice modulator does not make you an artist. And just in case you think I'm bashing all current R & B, feel free to compare with Usher and realize who the better artist is and remember that trends die, but talent sticks around.

"But he's such a hip guy. He's so edgy. He's awesomefuntastic."

Fine, when you pass the tenth grade take another listen and although it's well produced, nothing he's done will stick with me until the day I die. That's as much a testament to the talent of NWA, Dr. Dre, Wu Tang, Usher, Babyface, and even Eminem as much as it is to the lack of long term relevance this would be demigod wishes to instill in his personna.

Oh, and when it all comes down to it, if you're a cardigan wearing "badass", well what can I say except that some humility might look better on you than any bullshit garment your paid to hawk forth towards product placement gargling cattle.

Fortune Cookie 500 #'s 266-270

On legal documents

God is in the details, but the devil is in fine print.



On every man for himself syndrome

Not much gets done when everyone is on the defensive.



On hypochondria

Bringing home the bacon never sounded this ominous.



On office relationships

Gypsum board is nowhere near the necessary thickness to prevent drama.



On angry drivers

Death and ejaculation are the main things people in a hurry achieve prematurely.

Get your tux, its awards season!

In my country/market, the advertising industry recently celebrated its annual awards event, an evening of industry hoopla that feigns glamour and credibility, all in the hopes of recognizing the industry’s best and brightest minds. You can bet your Gold Pencil that people were bringing it on – haute couture, museum-worthy bling, three hours at the salon… If the Oscars had an envious inbred distant third cousin, this ceremony would be it.

Held at a glitzy hotel that itself is a knock-off wannabe of what you might expect to find in South Beach (appropriate setting, no?), this year’s ceremony proved what we’ve known all along:

** The awards go to work you’ve never seen or heard of. Agencies create stuff specifically for the show. They convince the client to run it in some obscure medium so it will qualify, and – POOF! – another trophy on your desk.

** Everyone is a multiple winner! Because of how the categories are organized, its possible for several agencies to win 30 to 50 awards. And everybody likes to take home a bunch of trophies. You see, the organizers of this event make no distinction between campaign or single run pieces. So, let’s say you did a campaign for Energizer that had three TV spots, four radio spots, six print ads, and two billboards. Rather than awarding the campaign as a whole, they award each individual piece. Instead of the agency of walking away with ONE award for the Energizer campaign, they walk away with 13 awards – one for each piece. This closes the door for one-run work in any given category. If Energizer won TV and is also competing in print, you can kiss your print ad goodbye.

** It’s a high school reunion! Yep, here you will run into all of your former bosses, former officemates, former office flings, and whatnot. The girl you banged in the copy room? She’s here and sitting at your table. The boss that fired you for having too many Star Wars figures on your desk? He’s buying you drinks.

** Tell it to me one more time. Here is one social setting in which repeating the same old stories is the norm. Everyone talks your ear off about how big an asshole the client is, how they’re going to ditch the agency someday, how many long hours they’ve been putting in, how they’re getting sick from overwork and stress, how they can’t wait to get into some other line of work, like downtown hot dog or falafel vendor. Complaining is what we do here at WAS. Don’t bring that shit to the open bar!

I know what you’re thinking: “This guy is pissed because he didn’t get any awards.” Well, I’m happy to report that I left the ad game years ago and have donated my trophies to my former employer. My only desire is to impart some degree of wisdom – however insignificant it may be – so you know what you’re getting into.

Bad commercials suck, Bad infomercials rule

If anything is clear in the world of advertising, it's that for a commercial to be good, it needs to be really good, and for it to be great, it needs to be downright epic and that paralell to this truth, an infommercial is only as good as it makes you cringe. Sure, you need a catchy, entertaining puppet to sell you shit, but what you really crave is for the cheese factor and poorly delivered lines to be shot at you like some laser guided bazooka of hillarious mediocrity.

From hair products, to ding repairs, to expoxy glues to the most obscure methods of cooking known to man, you know your breathalized self craves that DD 7 magic moment where chimes ring and paid actors show how fantastic some shitty product is. If you add a celebrity it just gets sadder i.e. better because you know that poor money management has lowered their standards to the point of appealing to the 2 AM insomniamoths that can't sleep and are a threat to their own credit if a landline is nearby.

I haven't seen all infomercials but I'm sure if there were some way to measure exposure to infomercials, I'd definitely qualify for quarantine. Food Dehydrators, vanilla based hair products, ab rollers, juicers, grills, boxing routines, hip hop abs and Shamwows (sans hooker beatings of course), I've seen most of what I've been exposed to because like many people, even though it's a fucking train wreck, you can't help but stare and share with your friends.

Seriously, how many hours have I spent laughing at Amish heaters, infrared ovens and the typical celebrity cop out? The most honest answer is that I've lost count. But there's just something downright delicious of the nasty lameness that comes from watching a shitty installment of the latest Ronco piece of shit item. I want to watch that crazy chef slice granite and then perfectly filet a tomato seed. I want to know how a curler could make my bangs look wonderul and I definitely want to find out the secrets of Moses like longevity thanks to chugging three glasses of dirt, pomegranate parsley smoothies. I want that ridiculous schmuck to try and convince me that his waxed chest and shadowed abs are a product from dancing like someone with cerebral palsy.

Oh and please, don't bypass that creepy Scientologist looking colon cleanse loving botox abusing doctor that tells you all the benefits of combining the power of twine, beet and prune tablets with the cleansing power of and industrial rotto rooter.

Infomercials are an abused formula that still works because for some reason, between one incredulous chuckle and another, you think to yourself that you might actually use the gazelle four times a week to look like some bionic zero G kangaroo, because what sylicone enhanced beauty doesn't dig a portly fuck who fails miserably at even getting onto those torture machines.

And to top it off, you have the sellers... that's where the magic is. What would your database of crap be without Ron Popeil, The Juiceman, George Foreman, Cher, and my latest greatest gem, Mr. T.

As if that wasn't enough, there's more... new and improved, satisfaction guaranteed, and titanium space alloy grade goodness is all at the touch of your fingertips.

Oh and lest we forget each person's individual style of bullshit salesmanship that for however hackneyed and overused they are, you can't help but marvel at the formulaic genius that continues to line their pockets with moola.

You're not gonna spend 500, you're not gonna spend 495 dollars. You won't spend 485 and please don't think you'll spend 480 dollars. Not 470, not 460. Not 450 and not even 440 dollars. You get all this and more for only 8.2 installments of 47.56.

Fucking genius.

so next time you see some hateful piece of shit infomercial and you ask yourself why the hell this shit still exists, know that the answer to your question has three answers.

who watches this shit?

Compulsive buyers with insomnia.

People with an IQ under 70, (look to fake audience members for visual reference)

Fucked up people like me.

cheers

Want to know what Nimoy thinks if you don't love Star Trek?

The Force is strong with Jim Kirk & Co.

It takes a lot for a movie to impress me – much more than Oscar statues and critical appraise, that’s for sure. So, as an avid Star Wars fan, as someone whose religion is the doctrine of Obi-Wan and Yoda, I was floored by the awesomeness that is the new Star Trek film.

Yes, I said Star Trek. And I said it was awesome.

I’ve never participated in the Star Wars/Star Trek battle because I was so confident that Lucas’ stuff was superior to the Shatner cheese-tastic saga. Sure, I’ve watched Star Trek, both TOS and TNG, but only in passing, to further prove to myself that Star Wars was much better.

I respect Star Trek and everything it has accomplished in the last 40 years, seriously. I admire its followers, the Trekkies… or is it Trekkers? Star Wars geeks are just as ridiculous as Star Trek freaks. Several of my best and dearest friends are diehard Trekkers (I’ll stick with this term for the time being) are we remain as tight as family. Heck, in the make-believe universe of sci-fi, we are all bothers. Just don’t say that Trek is better than Wars.

Until last week.

My dear Me and TravisFcker got tix to the new Star Trek premiere, and we witnessed history in the making.

People, Sci-Fi action is BACK!

THIS is what prequels are all about! THIS is cinematic entertainment. THIS is what the big screen was made for.

I’m not gonna ruin for you by getting into the details of the film, but JJ Abrams & Co. have done something new by not doing anything new at all. You see, during the past decade or so, Sci-Fi tried to be highbrow, and in some cases it worked (The Matrix), but often times it didn’t (I Robot, Artificial Intelligence). George Lucas came along and made things even worse by blatantly exploiting his spawn.

All JJ did with Star Trek was get back to basics and actually use the simplest of ingredients in his mix: a good story. You don’t have to be a Trek fan to appreciate the entertainment value of this film. In fact, you don’t have to know a thing at all about the Trek universe to get it, but it helps.

The genius of it all is that this film will make Trekkers get excited about the franchise again (even they were complaining that the whole thing had gone down the tubes – or is it black hole?) Plus, it will bring in a whole new generation of much needed fans, let alone kick start a franchise of its own.

I loved this film because it succeeded where other prequels failed miserably. Though the film is modern, with all it’s CGI effects and cool camera shots, its texture and feel are still rooted in the 1960s. The audio/sound design is taken straight from the 1966 playbook, yet placed in a fresh and more modern context. It’s retro-chic in a modern vein. Also, the film doesn’t bog you down with useless back-story. The prequel parts focus on giving context to things that matter – the Spock/Kirk relationship; the chemistry among crew members; the motivation for why things happen they way they eventually do… it’s a great set-up, even though you already know what the pay-off will be. Oh, and there are a number of inside jokes even the fair-weather fan will appreciate.

The Star Wars prequels got this all wrong. They seemed too modern and too fresh in relation to the films they supposedly preceded. Too much time was wasted in petty details that don’t mean a thing (does it make a difference that Anakin built C3PO? What was the point of Jango Fett?) and Lucas focused his attention on CGI eye candy, forgetting all about the story.

The new Star Trek is awesome because it did what Star Wars did almost 30 years ago. While Lucas lost his way, JJ Abrams has an opportunity to revive the sci-fi action genre and write a new chapter in movie-making history.

This, coming from a diehard Star Wars dude.

The agency life

On commercial shoots:

Hurry up and wait!

How Good was Star Trek?

Recently I attended the premier of Star Trek. As an avid Trekker, I think my review will be biased. I will leave it to Restrictions to come up with a better review. Instead, I will do this: write my own opinion on how much it rules. How good was it?

1) Kirky delicious

2) Really Horny Sex wonderful

3) Spocktastic.

4) Give me more please I beg you amazing.

5) So good I think it got me pregnant.

6) It kicked George Lucas' ass, big time.

7) It made me want to have the child of JJ Abraham just to see what he comes up with next.

And last but not least... 8) It made many Star Wars fans that watched with me say with much respect that they fucking loved it.

So yes, I know it's completely biased. Let's see what Restrictions can come up with...

Live long and kick some ass while prospering!!!!!!

You Star Wars people...

Trouble the Water: An HBO Must See.

I have lived thru many hurricanes. Where I live, they are as common as... common stuff? Every year we prepare for them. How? Basically buying Chef Boyardee, Candles, Water... and beer. Hey, when you are scared shitless, you might as well have a drink. But hurricanes are no joke. People die. People lose their homes. While I might be screaming that I have no running water or electricity for a week or two... I always remind myself that there are many people suffering worse than me, and I usually get all the food I can and donate it, as well as clothes and any other thing I can get my hands on. I do that because I have been raised up with this kind of situation from day one. But... there are other people that haven't really lived events like these... Like the people in New Orleans.

Trouble the Water is about many things. It's about not having all the facts. It's about taking chances with your life. It's about poverty. It's about a government who doesn't give a shit about you. It's about black and white, rich and poor, love and disdain. There was the Spike Lee version, which was powerful as hell, and then there's this one, real as a heart attack.

The premise is very simple. Kimberly Rivers Roberts and her husband decide to tape what happened to them while Katrina was coming. 15 minutes of footage became so incredible to watch that filmmakers decided to go with their idea and examine life AFTER the hurricane. Well my friends, years have gone by and nothing has happened. But I won't give you any details because you just gotta see this one.

This is a very moving flick about the power of normal human beings with the desire to help each other. I mean... really help each other. I would be ashamed to say that me getting some cans and tees to help somewhere in South America counts as help. No, man. Grabbing one person while swimming in your STREET and saving them from drowning? That's helping out.

Anyway, it's running on HBO right now. Please try to catch it, it will be running today at 8 and 11pm, then May 10,12 and 16 (say thank you to my TiVo for that info, hehehe).

Much love and for God's sake, when a hurricane comes, leave your house. Nothing is valuable enough as your life.

Onion Review: Star Trek

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Obama's 100 Days

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Obama 101
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis First 100 Days

Whoa there, Dr Manhattan!

movie night?

• 12 Angry Men
• Alien
• Blade Runner
• Citizen Kane
• Do the Right Thing
• E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
• Groundhog Day
• The Lord of the Rings
• National Lampoon’s Animal
• House
• The Usual Suspects
• When Harry Met Sally
• The Third Man
• This is Spinal Tap

What do these movies have in common?
They are on Yahoo’s list of 100 Movies to See Before You Die.
The list is also a good source for when your Netflix queue is kinda weak.
For the complete list, click on the title of this post.