Another reason to question your paycheck

American Casino movie trailer from Leslie and Andrew Cockburn on Vimeo.

WAS Halloween Special: Five Scary Things that Define: Me

Well guys, it's that time when you dust out your old Halloween costumes and make a fool out of yourself! For Candy! Or Sex! Happy Halloween!

To keep the spirit going, here are five things that scare the shit out of little old me. It might not be as scary to you, but hey, we're all different. I'd love to see what really gets your scary atoms moving, so share, will you?

In order of Holy Shit I just pooped my pants scary:

1) Tsunamis
If you have read our blog over the years, you know the drill. This is MY nightmare. Period. I dream about this crap on a monthly basis. I hate it. I cannot watch anything that resembles a huge wave. Accident when I was a kid. More info about the scariest thing ever to me; here.

2) Frogs
I HATE THOSE THINGS. There is no more disgusting animal in the world, the universe... the galaxy than this piece of turd animal. I hate their sounds, hate their skin, hate how they look like. Ugh.

3) Rats
I have told my boyfriend time and time again that if a Rat enters our apartment, I will happily pack my bags and move out. Nah, don't worry removing it. I gladly will pay to move anywhere. The rat is the deal breaker. I will not sleep after that ever again.

4) Realistic Baby Dolls - the ones that open and close their eyes when they get moved.
Get. Those. Things. Out. Of. My. Sight. They look like they have some catatonic issue or are about to fucking die! I really hate those dolls.

5) Catholic Priests
Let's just say I've been only one time to mass. It scared the shit out of me so hard that I really resist going to church. I really don't want a lecture about how fucked up my life is and how I am going to supposedly burn in hell. This is not a full fear, but if I have to go I usually avoid mass, even at weddings.

Reporting from the Land of Cheeseteaks

Dear friends and readers, tis I the Joker, writing from Philly with 3 pints and a shot in the system and that's from almost two hours ago. Needless to say, having a blast but debating on one tiny little thing: If I were to eat a Cheeseteak, and I'm talking a real bovine badass cheesesteak, where do I go? Anynoe care to answer the call? Hoping so.

By the way, there is just so much to report from the city of brotherly love, good stuff and bad, but mostly epic stuff including my silly ass in the front row for the Pearl Jam concert. To say I was pumped is the understatement of the millenium, but to say that I've had a 72 hour phsycological erection isn't too far away from the t-a-ruth.

So for now, cheers sweet friends. I hope you're having at least half as good a time as I am.

Honest to Post Its 17

Honest to Post Its 16

Presenting the weirdest video of all time: the New Son of Sam.

I am... um. Eh. I can't... what just happened? Please, for the love of Recycled Semen, share this with everyone you know. Thank you. The world needs to see this shit.

The beauty of going on vacation

There's a flutter in your heart everytime you look at the clock. Seconds dance with minutes and hours slip by unnoticed by the watch of the day.

You're going on vacation.

You put the hours in, got the extra work out of the way, stayed late, worked hard and were a complete yes person to be in good graces for that moment when you had absolute radio silence. The pending projects don't matter, stress doesn't matter, your little whole in the cubicle realm doesn't matter. All that matters is that time is finally cooperating with you.

You feel like painting your face half blue and crying freedom. You feel like dancing in your tighty whities with dark shades on. You feel like you just got laid for the first time.

You're going on vacation.

The mystery of what is going to happen. What dventures await me. What delicious foods and disguting throwaways will come in contact with my buds. Will it rain or shine. You don't really give a damn. All you know, is that every second that passes is a second closer to your date with vacation. You click open your itinerary close to 70 times a day. You listen to all the cds from the band that will audibly assault your senses. You buy a volume from Fromers or your preferred travel companion and you lust over cramming yourself into a toothpaste tube with wings that will take you to the kingdom of far far away.

This is vacation.

Waking up early because you have the obligation of doing any and everything in your power to generate memories, pictures, moments and genetic imprints that will survive in your marrow, long before your corpse has dried out. Tickets are paid for, hotel is paid for, concert is paid for, bags are made, and the clock smiles with its 2:50 a.m. grin. You're giddy. You're in love with the moment and you want to have that moments children.

This is vacation.

My friends, in less than eight hours, I'm on a plane to Philadelphia to see Pearl Jam with my fiancée and two great friends. If I make it to a comp or not to report my adventures, I don't know. But I do know that I plan on losing my voice so that every word I type and write is loud and clear in the annals of my life. My best to you all.

Cheers

I want my CNN back!

Don't know about you, but I'm seriously hating the new designed CNN website. I am a daily visitor to the site and when this red blob of what the fuck appeared on my monitor, I went... SHIT! What happened? They had a great black and red design, simple and so elegant and they changed it to THIS crap?

What is the world coming to?

And yet here we are

"…in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace—and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock." – Orson Welles as Harry Lime in The Third Man, 1949


This got me to thinking: Before the Internet, Blackberries, iPhones, Twitter, etc. we shared great ideas, had worthwhile conversations, enjoyed entertainment that really did entertain us. Today, we use these hi-tech tools to watch baby pandas sneeze; to learn what your exgirlfriend had for breakfast. Genius has come a long way, baby.

What the flying fuck?

I am speechless.

"It tastes like a Whopper with a Cow attached to it". BRILLIANT.

Honest to Post Its 15

Honest to Post Its 14

Honest to Post Its 13

Honest to Post Its 12

Is there a Mommy in the house?

Ok since we're on the last 4 weeks to go until baby season comes, I have a question that maybe one of our female readers can help me out with: do I need to start taking Prenatal pills right now? Do I wait until the four weeks have gone by? (if you don't understand what I am talking about, read this) Do they have side effects?

Ladies, help a sister out. Last night we were talking about the process and we found out that we had loads of questions and no doctor's appointment in sight (it takes forever to go to that man!).

Much love from the soon preggers Me.

FIRST 8 MINUTES OF V. God is good.

5 Things that Bret Michael does to annoy: Me

Poison. I think that this was the best name for what represents this band to me. If there was one band I hated ever since they popped their heads back in the 80's, it was this fucking annoying band. I even dated one guy who loved this band more than anything: obvious end of story, I dumped his ass because I knew we had no future together.

The thing is, twenty something years later, I finally found out why I despise this band. Bret Michaels.

Nope, I don't find him sexy. I like MEN. Not glam dudes. I like manly men. I like beards. I like sweaty. I like testosterone. The LAST thing I can love is a man who fucking wears eyeliner. But this is just the beginning. I decided, after driving with my boyfriend and him laughing while I cringed when "Every rose has its thorns" played at the radio... that this needed a post.

I started naming him every reason why this man sucks in my eyes. And bingo, the post was born in the car!

Yes! Let's explore the five things that Bret Michaels does... that annoy the shit out of Me.

In no particular order...

1) Twenty years later and he still wears that fucking bandana.
Dude are you going bald? Em-fucking-brace it! Did something weird to your roots? Let's show it and share it with the world! Em... Nope? Do you really mean to tell me that after twenty years you STILL find this look HOT? Really? Can I pay you to take it off? Name the price douchebag. I know I can find sponsors so we can all burn ALL your bandanas. In the name of Peace, goddammit.

2) That idiot pouting of the lips!
Looking like a woman IS NOT SEXY. Trying to pose like one as well IS JUST WRONG. Granted, some crazy women out there might think - medication needed, of course - that you are still hot after all these years, hence that stupid pout to make them go "gaga". But honestly, can't you just look at the camera and take a normal picture?

3) Rock of Love is single-handedly the definition of what is wrong in this world.
Every time I see this douchebag sucking face with some blonde bimbo I almost puke and die a little. I can watch gory movies, have endured watching Faces of Death in my youth and still I get nausea if my remote control betrays me and it lands on this tv show.

4) He named the band Poison after watching Spinal Tap.
Yes. He took something sacred, perfect and holy... and made something just awful of it. Someone kill me.

5) I. Hate. Every. Single. Song. That. This. Man. Has. Made.
Just play one song near me and I will get a knife. Trust me, I am not kidding. Play Unskinny Bop and I could go extremely postal and murder someone. Just sayin'

So there they are. Five reasons why I really don't want to Open up and say Ah to Bret. Really. There are many talented people who are still around that can kick this man's ass to the curve. And I would pay for them to: Take. That. Bandana. Off!

Fortune Cookie 500 #'s 331-335

On office supplies
Like ketchup packets, pens and notepads are usually given in small amounts.


On productivity
Forwarding twenty emails without even writing a full sentence is not being super busy.


On annoying people
The more annoying a coworker is, the less they realize you are merely tolerating them.


On office romance
Unless you want the entire department to know what freaky stuff you enjoy in the sack, avoid at all cost.


On vacation time
Taking a Blackberry on a personal trip is either pathetic, idiotic or an insult of equal or greater value.

Honest to Post Its 11

Honest to Post Its 10

Honest to Post Its 9

Honest to Post Its 8

Honest to Post Its 7

Honest to Post Its 6

Honest to Post Its 5

What Facebook should look like

Facebook Facelift - Home & Profiles from wearetol on Vimeo.

Fortune Cookie 500 #'s 326-330

On “rush” anything
Just like traffic, things move slowest when they are at their peak rush.


On satisfaction
Complacency shall always last longer than satisfaction.


On more satisfaction
Complacency is the sexually abused cousin of satisfaction.


On frustration
Suicide numbers at the workplace have been reduced thanks to safer windows, nothing else.


On physical fitness
Your ass is bored of spending time with your chair, do something about it.

Honest to Post Its 4

Honest to Post Its 3

Honest to Psot Its 2

Honest to Post Its 1

Honest to Post Its

How many times have you wanted to leave a post it on someone's desk that said EXACTLY what you've been keeping to yourself for so many years. Sure you could tell it to their face, but where's the fun in that? So here's a new mini series... Honest to Post Its. Everything you want to say on a little square note.

Last Four Weeks. Whoa...

So... yeah. Remember that I told you guys about my... adventures in baby hunting? Well, only four weeks and I'm off anything and everything related to pills, injections, patches, etc. Yes. In four weeks, I'm officially starting a new side of my life: trying to become pregnant! HOLY SHIT!

We had a last chat just to check if any opinions had changed. Nope. We're happy, set and willing to bring a little kid to this world so we can finally become a family. Just a month and ready, set go.

I'm a bit nervous and excited at the same time. This, I tell you, is huge news for me. Just four weeks and I will leave that "no baby in the future" world behind. I'm glad that it's over in many ways. It signifies, for the both of us, that we finally found someone worthy of having a baby with. A baby deserves to live in a happy, stable and loving house, with parents that love and respect each other, we thought. We finally found that. Amazing.

The funny thing is, we're not nervous or scared. We're just happy. In fact, we're now just wondering how we will travel - we love to hop in a plane in a moment's notice. He won't let me get on a plane if I'm six months pregnant, I'm fighting him over that one... Both our moms are super excited. My sister in law already dreamed that we had a baby boy and told me... "get on with it!" Friends of mine are calling me left and right with this "I dreamed that you were pregnant" line...

So, there it is. Four weeks only to go. Wish me luck and a healthy baby!

It's Happening Again: Low Netflix Queue!! HELP

Guys, you have been awesome recommending flicks... so it's that time of the year when you write back and tell me what I should see!

I'm looking for good documentaries, indy films, gory as fuck films... Anything.

So, start writing and I'll start watching!!!

Much love, Me

Why Qui-Gon Blows, in 30ss.

This qualifies as a HOLY FUCK video.

Best Demonstration Video of ALL TIME

And this shit gets approved.

Face it, you're taking it personal.

If someone asks me what was the one single thing I learned from working in advertising, it would be this: people take things at work too personal. In my honest opinion, that is a huge, big, colossal mistake. See... the saying is right: it's not personal, it's business. I could not agree more.

Client wants you to move the logo to the right 15 times in a day? Sure. It may anger you, the fact that you are "wasting your time"... but, the check is coming anyway my friend. Besides and most importantly - it's their ad! They're fucking paying for it! Are they shitting all over it? Sure! Just don't take it personal!

Someone at work told you that you suck donkey balls? Well, you know what... bring it on. I believe in healthy and colorful discussions - if I get offended it's my deal and viceversa - but I still don't take it personal. In fact, I have been in screaming matches galore at many agencies, leave the office, go home, have a drink and return to chit chat with the same person that told me I was a fucking idiot. You know what? Not everything is beautiful, you sometimes have to get your point across, and anger sure helps. Yes, I don't agree that you need to insult people, but let's face it, deep inside we are animals. It's in our nature to scream and hit our chests a couple of times.

I've seen people carry vendettas against other coworkers, agencies, clients... like this is going to make them sleep better and have some peace of mind someday. What a rookie mistake.

One of my best friends - and my boyfriend's - once told him that he didn't care that he died the night after the presentation that was due, he had to come back to the office and finish some stuff. That night they almost killed each other. Now they are like brothers, telling the old story to anyone that will hear them.

Yes, there is a fine line. Sometimes people do cross that line. But I can't count even one single moment in MY advertising life that made me so angry that I couldn't handle someone or someplace.

Clients will bitch. They will make you feel like shit. They will make your life miserable. Your boss will never, ever recognize the effort that you do because... are you ready for this? - you are not indispensable. Have you ever gotten a medal for being awesome at what you do? Well apart from that lovely cup of Best Dad, Best Mom or Best Lay (um...), in advertising and I bet in any other business, you just work and get your paycheck. Period.

There are so many cool shit that you can take to heart besides some copy saying that your design sucks, some AE telling you that you are off strategy, some Traffic director telling you that it's YOUR fault that the ad hasn't all the right information to make that revision...

People, live and let live. That amazing moment I figured out that my job is just a job like any other... that I wasn't saving a human being... I started living again.

Hope you join in the fun.

Easy Money –

While you slave away in your cubicle farm, burning the midnight oil for pennies an hour and withstanding abuse from idiot clients and account people, some doofus is making $300 a night by simply pressing Play on his iPod.

I’m talking about modern day so-called “DJs”.

It used to be that a real DJ showed up at a party with crates full of records and about 1,000 lbs. of sound equipment. He had to work his ass off to read the vibe of the party and create a real scene with music. This is an organic process.

And to really earn his keep, he had to hype it up on the mic, telling people to “raise their hands in the air like you just don’t care”, and “If you’re black and proud, say Yeah… If you got a bubble-but say Hell Yeah…”

If your skills were good, you stayed all night. If you bit, you were booed out of the city.

Today, these wannabe DJs just play their preprogrammed Playlists. There’s no improvisation, no spontaneous moves, no build-up or slow down. The art of DJing a party is over.

I saw this the other night at a corporate gig: Dude showed up with an iPod, jacked it into the PA system, pressed Play, sat down and chatted on his cell phone and fucked around on his laptop ALL NIGHT! And… he was promptly paid his fee for “services rendered”.

Are we suckers or what?

I. Love. Shark Tank!

Honestly, Mark Burnett has done it again. Not since the birth of Survivor, back in the day, I have said: shit this is a great idea for a reality tv show. Start TiVoing it, trust me you'll love every damn minute of it.

Sell the Vatican, End World Hunger.

Twilight Fans! Use protection!

Imma Let Ya Finish, Baby...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

See? No remorse whatsoever from Mike Tyson.

Remember, watch the documentary Tyson to hear (pun intended) the other side of the coin of that ear bite story...

Toy Story 3 Trailer... Looks good!

Toy Story 3 Trailer in HD

Trailer Park|MySpace Videos

Behind the Ads: Truth #13 - You will see more people fired than you care to

If you do not feel comfortable seeing people get canned and finding out friends of yours got fired, by all means, drop your ad job. Seriously, in five years I worked at 6 agencies and in that time I saw enough people get fired and quit to form a high school class. In agency #2, 8 people got canned… from an agency that was 20 strong. Third job, I saw 5 people get the axe and the sixth was me. In agency #4, in a span of six months, 12 people left… not fired but left… from the creative department. Add to that number a couple of others that dropped the job. By the way, I was #13 and after me came 7 more. The fifth agency has had about 15 casualties in the last year and a half… and it was also a small agency and the sixth agency? Well I hadn’t been there a month before two senior people got euthanized. That’s more than fifty people I’ve seen leave a company I work for.

Some were understandable… the other 47 weren’t.

Behind the Ads: Truth #12 - Ad award ceremonies are as real as professional wrestling

And in this corner…. Whoever gives a fellow CD a reach around. If by any means you think I’m bitter that I never won an award, let me dissuade you from thinking such a funny thought because nothing could be farther from the truth. Hey I might have enjoyed having a golden whatever the hell it is they decide to dip in gold plate for some fringe award ceremony, but the fact of the matter is that I never cared for awards. Maybe that has to do with my trajectory, maybe it has to do with me being dejected by so much BS. Who knows, what I do know is that listening into a conversation of panel judges is as much enlightening as it is nauseating.

Just in case you were wondering, or hey, maybe you were even proud of an award you won… well here’s some info for you, the fight was fixed, there was no competition, the drama you felt was fiction and the game was rigged. I know, I know. It hurts, but don’t worry. I also thought Hulk Hogan was really in the hospital after his fight with Yokozuna and I believed in Santa Claus. You too will someday wake up and smell the reality.

Behind the Ads: Truth #11 - Clients have to be educated because they have been miss-educated

If clients are hack idiots, we are largely to blame. When I say we, I obviously don’t mean you or me, I mean ad people and especially execs that say yes to absolutely everything and creatives who have had their will hammered out of their system. It’s not only these people to blame, 80’s and 90’s ad people that spent a quarter of a million dollars on a tv spot only to have 0 results are also to blame.

In reality, it’s a combination of things because for ad people, there’s only so many times you can get away with stuff while with a client, well we’re still seeing where our threshold lies, because by and by, I see some clients pushing the limits of what is permitted by law.

On the one hand, clients are 150% suspicious of anything that comes from an agency because like I said, ad people of days of yore spent truckloads and failed to produce dividends. The flipside has S&M (Sales and Marketing or Sadomasochism, take your pick) people raping an agency for all they’re worth simply because they have an attention deficit and want to take it out their pent up sexual tensions on agency people.

But no matter what the case is, ad people are to blame because we directly influenced the factors to produce the monsters we currently call clients. No budget? Been there done that. Saturday morning revisions? Got the t-shirt and burned it in a luau. Not trusting anything you produce no matter if it has half a shot at working? That was my day job at many an agency.

So what’s the kicker? There’s HAS to be a kicker. Well of course dear friends… and here it is: all agency people recognize that clients needs to be reeducated… and no one does it. Way to go teammmmmmmmm.

Behind the Ads: Truth #10 - The client is not always right, but you are always wrong

I spit on the grave of Kann’s Sons Co. for having come up with the saying: “the customer is always right.” True, it’s catchy and projects a culture of service excellence, but it also puts you on the losing side in pretty much every single debate you may have with a client, especially if it’s an advertising client.

What you have to be clear on is that while people in advertising agencies have a mild background in marketing, clients for their most part are marketing and finance would-be gurus who crunch numbers and need evidence to substantiate what they will approve. There’s nothing wrong with that, but when you have a stubborn client that wants to have their way, well let’s just say that they can conduct focus groups to support the statement that the sky is brown and will have enough charts and graphs to make you believe that you are and have always been completely mistaken.

This leads to what we can call the watered down effect, the switcheroo, the better safe than sorry and the my way or the highway results for a poor ad. In the watered down effect, your ad goes through so many revisions and has had so much additional information added, that you barely get a whiff of the initial intentions of your communication. With the switcheroo, your artwork is not approved and the agency basically takes an ad that already ran and changes the valid date. With the better safe than sorry, your brand of unique communication is obviously omitted in favor of good old fashioned vanilla goodness to roam among the clutter and as for the my way or the highway, well there’s only so much you can reason with a client before they threaten to leave the agency.

Cute alert.

We've got our new Lost: Flash Forward

Just a quick post! For all of us suffering the coming of the last season of Lost and the possible depression that will hit us after the last episode airs...

There is hope for all of us.

Start watching Fast Forward. It's cool, great scripts, shock full of great actors and has that special tingling feeling that Lost has.

Only three episodes have aired, you do have time to catch up at the abc site.

Oakland, it's time for a comeback!

Oakland, it's time for a comeback!

Trailer

Posted using ShareThis

Kareoke from Hell?

Just... no words.

God Grew Tired of Us: A must see.

Sometimes we take mundane things for granted. For example; we don't even think a thing when we switch the lights on when we enter a room. Going to the supermarket is not a huge event. Listening to someone on speakers is not cause of surprise or concern. But for the Lost Boys of Sudan, this was a whole new experience.

If you've ever whined in your life for anything, and I mean... ANYTHING, I would recommend that you shut up for two hours and sit through this movie. If at the end you don't realize that your problems are sometimes so small when compared to other people's... then Houston, we have a problem.

God Grew Tired of Us is one of those gems of documentaries that you can't forget. It's the story of three young men who were relocated to America after a extremely tough life. How tough? Orphaned by a civil war, a group of 25,000 boys had to escape Sudan. By WALKING. No food. No water. No shoes. At the end of their quest, moving from one country to another, the amount changed to 14,000.

Now. This next bit of information is key: they all lived together. Walking day and night, they formed families. They talked, danced, ate mud... all together. Now picture three of them moving to the USA. Yeah. Difficult is one word that isn't enough. They moved from a place where living meant being together to a place that defines every man for himself. And they did it all because they wanted to help out their brothers. What they found out... well, I just can't say.

This is an inspiring story that you cannot miss, so please, Netflix it today.

The Deal with David Letterman.

As far as I know, he didn't touch a kid nor did he kill someone. So. Why the almighty fuck is the media so obsessed with Dave's adventures? Honestly, this sort of thing gets to me in the worst way.

I think this is a post that I will keep writing about because people will never change. So, I keep asking the same question:

WHY IS ANYBODY'S PERSONAL LIFE SO DAMN IMPORTANT?

Average Joes and Famous Dicks, it doesn't matter. If someone colors outside the lines, you will get a shitload of people judging and commenting on your life. Worst, they will gossip like you won't believe. And my beef is the same, still simple: why are people allowed to comment on ANY DAMN THING that we do? And, of course, the circus of people shit-chatting about if it's right or not.

Honestly. Will anybody sleep better if we burn Dave at the stake? Oh Lord, call the authorities. Dave banged someone that was not his approved one. Whoa. WHAT A BIG DEAL.

Why am I so nonchalant about it? It's Dave's choice to have extra curricular activities. I have always said that human beings are not saints. There are some out there who claim to be the moral standard of homo sapiens... and still they act like the rest of us normal, damaged, imperfect people. They claim that SOME things are just wrong, but trust me, they live in the biggest and swankiest glass houses ever.

Yes, he has a kid, yes, he has a family. No, it's STILL NOT OUR BUSINESS TO DISCUSS. There is no argument that will ever convince me that it's ok to talk about anyone's life.

Listen. I neither condone nor approve infidelity or other deviant ways of the human soul. But I for one am not ignoring the fact that it's in our human nature. Read a little on the evolution of animals and rarely you will find a species that won't stray. The thing is, if it's right or wrong, depends on the situation and players involved. And WE ARE NOT INVOLVED.

So in my honest opinion, Dave will always be, for me, the second most incredible late night host (Carson, my friends was the king - even if now we learned that he banged cows, I would not care). I am not affected by his choices, not because I have an opinion about them, it's just that it's not my place to pass judgement.

So the next time you are appalled by what someone else does, think of this: we are not saints. Sooner or later, you will do something that earns a stone. Trust me. And the faster that we all admit that we are not perfect, the happier the road becomes.

CNN. MSNBC. ABC and other garden variety networks. For the love of anything holy, there are more important things going on in this world. A shitload of people are getting laid off. Crime is at an all time high. People are losing their homes.

Honestly. Let's move on. Ok? Thanks, Me.

WE DID IT!!!! FOUR THOUSAND IN A MONTH!

We broke the record, guys! 4,357 people came in to visit WAS!

Um... so ok, most of them came in looking for Cock Fingering but still, a visit is a visit!!!

Keep on reading and enjoying our daily rants about nothing!

Much love... Me.

Chess + Boxing = WTF.

Behind the Ads: Truth #9 - You will not be satisfied with what you do

I have the impression that even the most successful creative has to truly wish they could be doing something else. Painting, writing or even scrap booking with nana. For my part, I was supremely dissatisfied with my work because if it would have been my vision of what an ad that received lukewarm response and was or wasn’t effective, then wonderful; it’s all on me. But since adverts suffer the wrath of supervisors, CEO’s, creative directors, clients and our beloved focus groups, there is very little possibility that your work will be the one put to the test.

Time and time again I found myself angry, frustrated, dejected and unmotivated because way more often than naught, my team had no back-up, we were forced to swallow bitter pills of not choosing any battle and of acquiescing because between the creative director and the account exec, there wasn’t a trace of a vertebrae between them. I was a salmon swimming upstream except there was no nature and the current or my skills never allowed me to land in the calm.

But just in case you’re wondering if this is real or not, there are two things you have got to keep an eye out for: 1. Is anyone you work with writing a book or working on an exhibition that they never seem to finish and 2. Ask someone upfront if they’re satisfied with what they’re doing. At the very least, I’ve seen that some people fidget before keeling into their ethic and saying that they appreciate what they’ve achieved. At the end of the day, there’s one thing no one will be able to deny…This is a dayjob for however luxurious it is sold to you.

Behind the Ads: Truth #8 - You will lose out on the development of your family

Advertising is not a family friendly industry. That’s as plain as it can be put it and if you don’t believe this, experience states that eventually you eventually will. A high divorce rate and resentment from offspring should be evidence enough because when it comes down to it, you will spend weekends working. You will miss birthdays, anniversaries, baptisms and before you know it, your newborn is three years old.

It is really sobering to hear a person ask themselves where the time went. How it’s flown by and how they feel as if their life was lost in some sort of strange space-time vacuum. It is disconcerting to hear dozens upon dozens of professionals who like themselves quite a bit less for having missed out another family event. Just in case you thought your free time and weekends matter, please remember that in the large scheme of things, you don’t matter, so why should the wellbeing of your family unit be of any concern to any higher up. If they can make the time why can’t you? Oh that’s right, you had to work on the Rice-a-roni campaign on Saturday and Sunday because the wellbeing of the brand was at stake.

Behind the Ads: Truth #7 - You are completely expendable

The turnover rate for an ad agency is more than most people feel comfortable admitting out in the open. For my part, you just have to see where I’m coming from. I worked at an average of 1.2 agencies a year. For five years (that’s six agencies in five years just in case). The scary part is that I lasted more than a year at only one agency (I lasted 2 years and 2 months). The variety of reasons why I left or was given the axe are varied, but I quickly learned that no one is invaluable and everyone is expendable. From a CEO to a janitor, anyone can go at any time. And just in case you were thinking about an owner, well even those can be bought out or ousted if there is a board of directors that can vote and have that happen. Some people get notice, others get a pink slip welcome on a Friday morning and no one is really safe in an ad agency. All you need is for your agency to lose an account or for budget cuts to affect revenue and there’s your ideal scenario for liquidation by means of termination.

You can be a complete asset and a bargain price and it will still probably not matter. You could have spent ten years at an agency; that matters even less. You can be loyal, hard working, dedicated and have the company blood flowing through your veins. In that case I suggest medicating yourself with regular doses of reality and thinking of yourself and your family for a change because the moment your presence means less money for someone lounging at a higher echelon, that means bye-bye for you.

Behind the Ads: Truth #6 - Employee health is only a concern if it costs the company money

Next to slave traders, coal miners, drug trafficking and modeling, advertising is one of the industries that cares the least over the wellness of their employees. Before an HR representative has a fit though, I have seen some type of improvement in some agencies, but really, it’s just an attempt to try to balance out the white collar mauling we endure on a daily basis, with a local gym membership and some wheatgrass parties.

14 hour shifts, more Chinese food than you can shake your monosodium glutamate at, and vodka shots or keg stands to numb the pain of apathy will not do wonders for your longevity, but this is what awaits you at times in the glamorous world of advertising. You might hear someone counter with something like: “Hey, at least I don’t have to pay for my dinner.” Well technically you are. There is no such thing as overtime in advertising and if anything has become abundantly clear, is that many an agency has no problem with working you until you crack.

I’ve personally had one physical breakdown and been close to a nervous one caused solely by stress, workloads, and toxic work environments. But it really didn’t shine on me that my health didn’t matter while it didn’t hurt the wallets of the powers that be until I went to an orientation where health practices were promoted and various health tips were given to avoid the use of meds, ER visits and lab work. I would have asked why if I hadn’t seen the sea of questions where HIPAA laws were forgotten and I was able to heard firsthand how many CT Scans and account exec had, how many people had diabetes, how many people over medicated and who spent at least 30 days a year in an ER room.

To make it simple, premiums had risen, the agency had to pay more so they wanted to get employees healthier so they wouldn’t have to pick up the tab. Sounds shallow, callous and cruel? Fair enough, but does it make it any less true?

Behind the Ads: Truth #5 - Everyone wants to be Vogue

Few industries are more trend following than advertising. This is a fact and in defense of the industry, it’s part of our job to know the latest in technology, fashion, literature, movies and music. And to be honest, that is one of the few things I truly miss about a full time ad job. Since I was able to access pretty much anything I wanted, I could read up on the trendiest everything. From blogs to business, from health supplements to laptops. To not fall into hackneyed clichéd territory, you needed information and lots of it. But somewhere along the line, research and staying in the know translated into making everything trendy and completely embracing what we should know is BS.

If you’re not following, do this experiment: check twitter feeds for the latest fashions, the trendiest drinks, and the most hip food suppliers and chances are you will start to see a pattern. News and RSS feeds shall be assimilated as opinions and the trendiest creatives will also probably be the most predictable. Add to this that certain idiot activities will never change. People who really don’t care about film will always watch foreign flicks to show you how sophisticated they are. People who don’t know the difference between a pilsner and chilled urine will start drinking artisan beers and appearances will be made to look like opinions.

The fun begins when people start competing in regards to who is trendier. Hemp tote bags, rimmed glasses, the latest iPhone or BlackBerry, a hi-tech Mac, the most delicious $8 smoothie and the car to die for, or so says the majority of articles. It will be nauseating, idiotic and disingenuous, and it will all happen in the name of the latest fad. But once the dumb dust settles, we’re all going to be forced to accept the one simple truth that after all, kvetching is just a fancy way of saying to bitch, it just happens to be hipster cool at the moment.

Behind the Ads: Truth #4 - Your t-shirt is worth ten thousand dollars

No that does not mean you bought a Michael Jackson T-shirt on e-bay, it simply means that you have bought into one of the main selling points to working in advertising: that you can wear anything you want. Seriously… is one of the better reasons to enroll in the industry? That you can wear Guess Jeans and a t-shirt with a decapitated Hello Kitty? Great.

I have honestly lost count of how many times I’ve heard someone complain about their measly paycheck only to counter themselves by saying “well at least I don’t have to wear a suit and tie.” I don’t know about you, but if dressing “appropriately” allows me access to professional development, job satisfaction and a fatter pay check, then so be it. Christen said action as selling out all you want, but if you boil it down, it’s the same as pre-school. The kid with the red shirt and matching pants will be taken more seriously than the one wearing a snorkel set and Beetlejuice pijamas.

That people define themselves by what they wear is silly enough, that creatives define potential by what someone has written on their shirt… well that is what it is.

Behind the Ads: Truth #3 - Being a creative allows you to have behavioral disorders

Actually, any creative career has this same rule of thumb apply. The difference is that while a painter and a writer are legitimate artists, you are not. You are a white collar executive that is allowed to always dress casual in exchange for producing material that is designed to sell more of a good or service. The thing is how shockingly common it is to see hypochondriacs, egomaniacs, sociopaths and would be learned erudite hacks that have developed a chip on their shoulder and since they won an account (exec) or an award (creative), they have decided they have carte blanche to be complete and utter assholes.

True, other industries have heathen higher ups that truly showcase the worse of humanity, but I know of people who champion doucheness. If you don’t believe this, then by all means, take this as hearsay but remember that you were warned that this does happen. The fun part is that since you’re in advertising, the words prick, stubborn, asshole and megalomaniac easily get replaced by eccentric. So by all means, pile on the drama because some place will truly welcome you.

Behind the Ads: Truth # 2 - Work shall never be distributed evenly or fairly

If you’re the Creative Director’s lackey, you will have an eezy breezy time. If you are the Creative Director’s bitch, you will not. Parents have favorites, and so do CEOs and CDs, so before you go expressing your daddy issues, realize and accept that this is a reality. In every agency I’ve worked at, accounts aren’t distributed evenly because when God created you, you were embedded with the same rights, but not the same skills. Please note that skills could be defined as being one hell of a creative or one hell of a kiss ass. Both actually work quite well in the long run and I’ve seen successful people who have achieved much status based primarily on their ability to pucker up and ignore the pimples and lint.

The flipside is that you’ll see people working inhuman hours while others leave at 6 or 7. You will literally see people age in front of your eyes because there’s just no way that so much stress and such ridiculous work hours won’t take their toll on you. Some people simply get dealt the worst hands because instead of having alternating accounts that one week are extremely active and the next relatively calm while another account activates, all of their accounts are active always and they’re always swamped with work. This happens because there are people that are good, but not “award winning” good in the minds of higher ups and because that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

The kicker is that while this is happening other people are actually chillin and given time to think campaigns through. True, some have “earned” this right… but that doesn’t make it any less distasteful. If you happen to land in the crap heap, then get ready for ridiculous deadlines, ludicrous workloads and having to pick up slack from other people in the department that you are told are more talented than you, but that have a typo in every ad.

Behind the Ads: Truth #1 - You are not a harbinger of creativity

Before you get into advertising, please accept the fact that you will not change the world with your ads. Also, don’t think advertising is an art form because the more you think of it that way, the more disappointed you will be when reality sets in. Just in case, I’m not saying don’t be creative and don’t work with passion. Nay I say to that. But nay I ALSO say to thinking that everyday you’re going to create something magnificent. Thinking this way will only guarantee that you will become dejected after only months in your new job.

The thing is that each and every single day you work at an agency somebody will insist that your job is a crusade towards creative glory. That you will have to reinvent the wheel and that you are part of an ever changing industry that demands fresh new ideas. What they fail to mention once you get in is that if the client demands out of the box thinking but only approves inside the box concepts, guess what you’ll end up submitting and adding to your portfolio of published ads.