Mar 22, 2010

The Awk-Awards

In life there are many moments when truly crazy things happen and instead of knowing how to handle it, we fumble an excuse, act as if it didn't happen or immediately change the topic. Every single person you know has been on some side of these situations and that means that you're included. In no particular order because there is definitely no need for prizes here are the nominees:

The missed shot

There are actually two of these and I will go with the dumber one first. Everyone at one moment or another seems to get the need to lob a paper to a basket in some fashion quite similar to their basketball hero of choice. You've seen people do the Patented Kareem Abdul Jabar hookshot(Quite a favorite I've noticed), the Jordan tongue out jumpshot, hell, even the Bill Cartwright Chronic Arthritis free throw with full thumb extension. What you have also seen though is a person whose athletic prowess does not go beyond the realm of video games. So you have this poor excuse for a physical specimen tossing the paper, missing, picking it up, going back to exact place where they shot for the first time, trying again, and missing. For anyone that takes it lightly it's a funny situation, for our dear Skeeter McCockface though, this is a childhood trauma expressing itself in an office context as he fumbles with failed shot after failed shot until someone passes gets bonked by the paper in the head and the damn "ball" goes in. So for every missed shot you've ever taken way too seriously, we salute you Skeeter. The second case of the missed shot though is when you have someone you know who has a nasty ass habit of spitting. Indoors they behave but outdoors, it's a free for all. What I've actually witnessed is a person that has hawked a loogie only to have it land on the president's car, while he's parking (luckily we were on a second floor), and the second one would be to have the wind take justice into its own hands and blow at precisely the right moment to boomerang that phlegm gem back at em.

The "he's behind your back" scene

This is a hackneyed cliché in these situations, but I've actually seen it happen and it's just as awkward if not more so when it happens in person, especially because you'd think this guy/gal would have watched some TV in their lives to avoid the embarassin situations.

The "we used to go out but now he's/she's getting married with that other bitch/asshole"

Oh yes, I've seen this one... wasn't pretty especially since the girl who got dumped would have given a lung for the guy. But that's just one of the reasons why I say don't crap where you eat. But still people desist and some messed up love polygons get etched in company culture turning every lunch into a custody settlement.

The "we both know" moment

People fart.... it's a body's reaction to too much gas. But in a closed environment like an elevator where there are two people, it gets hilarious when the person who obviously cut the fromage insists that some flatulent ghost haunts this particular elevator. Seriously dude.

The saboteur

Continuing with the anal lingo and I'm not referring to some type of sphincter lick-a-thon, we sometimes unfortunately need to use the can. That's totally fine because even superstars, the pope and L Ron Hubbard when he lived have to shit. That being said, sometimes you work at a place where there's only one toilet per floor... (I know,nasty shit, LITERALLY). Ok, so one thing is to stink up a bathroom and since we sometimes indulge in indian, asian or mexican cuisine, we're entitled to not have roses sprouting from our rectum. What is awkward though, is going to take a leak, seeing someone exiting the john and you have to tear up from the stench since they apparently were keeping a score of cabbage hidden in their colon. 3 minutes later when you're at your desk, still sniffing hand sanitizer to recover consciousness, you hear this go through the PA: "Maintenance to floor X, the bathroom is stuck again". You look to the person who threw down the bowel snake and he's doing the move where he looks around to try and "see" if anyone is the culprit and they then see you looking at them. Priceless.

Open Season

Continuing yet a bit ore with the bathroom talk, if there's anything a supreme power was wise in doing was creating the physiological technology to urinate, defecate, eat, drink and have sex. The bad thing is that the same system was not equipped with the technology to always realize if one's fly is open. But everyone else does and if you've been in that moment, you know you feel for that person, but it's not like you want to admit you were looking at their crotch in the first place so enjoy the draft.

What other priceless moments do you think deserve a mention?


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