Ad Obituaries: The Executive

Brent “The Shit” Gibbons
1970-2010

Self proclaiming one’s sense of grandiosity in terms of fecal matter should be reason enough to know that you won’t be liked by your peers, but no one had to tell that to Brent. This is because he knew that even people who told him to his face that he was an asshole secretly admired him. “After all, look at me” he would often start; “I’m charming, good looking, smart, quick thinking, humble and of course, I smell good.”

Described as a megalomaniac that smelled like what a bottle of Old Spice would piss if it were a person, Brent was an avid multitasker often doing three or four things simultaneously, not even when he had to, but because he insisted that was how he worked well. After all, what was the sense of doing one thing at a time, if doing four things at a time would offer a product comparable to one he did with all of his capabilities, with time and no distractions?

Sandy Richards, a fellow ad executive at NSNTAC Advertising had these warm words to say: “He was a sad, sad, little man and I shall always be ashamed I let him eat me out. But hey, at least I didn’t fuck him. Besides, he was texting while he was licking so it’s not like he deserved to dip his cock in me just for the sake of completing another item on his to do list.”

Last Saturday afternoon, Brent met a tragic end as he was run over by a runway steamroller that could only go at 5 miles an hour. He had fallen into a vat of wet cement while texting, listening to Stryper’s greatest hits, while sipping a Tall late chocaccino with extra bonito flakes and a double shot of coca ginseng, opening a PDF file and updating his facebook profile. Fortunately, he was able to send the email to his client with a follow-up, finish his “words for friends” turn and put up on his Facebook status that he was being run over by a steamroller. Unfortunately, yelling for help was found to be fourth on his list of current to do lists.

“That sounds about as stupid a death as the life he lived, so I think it’s appropriate.” Said the Creative Director from Never Say No To a Client Advertising. “I’m pretty sure, no one is going to miss him.”

Memorial services were held yesterday, but in his honor, this announcement had twenty seven revisions and was sent a little late and a little over budget, but just how he would have wanted.