Apr 12, 2010

All hope for mankind is lost: The KFC Double Down Chicken.



Would you pay five bucks for someone to put a bullet in your brain? How about slashing your throat? Punching you in the face until you kick the bucket? Right, you wouldn't. So... Why the fuck are people paying to eat the Double Down Chicken from KFC?

First of all, for lawyers sake, I'm not saying that by eating this piece of abomination you will die. Nah. You will live and go on with your life. But you gotta give it to me, this is NOT the healthiest choice for fast food. Ever. In the history of crap food that we have to buy sometimes because we're out of time, this might be the biggest mistake ever.

Let me give you the Nutritional Facts of the Original Recipe, according to KFC's website. Calories, a very convenient 540. Fat Grams? A whopping 32. Are you ready for sodium? 1380. Yeah. 1380! But... seems that some information is kind of not important... Where are the TransFats? The Cholesterol grams? See, while BK's Whopper is aproximately 100 calories heavier, they DO have all the information, very easy to read at their website. So maybe we have some info about this creature from hell's kitchen that we need to know about, but the nice fried people of Kentucky are still not telling us.

The thing that angers me is this: people whine about getting fat, obesity numbers being out of this world and some idiot at new product development decide that THIS is the way to go. I wonder how the brainstorm about this was...

"We need to develop a new product... Any ideas?"

"Does it have to be healthy?"

"Fuck no. In fact, let's go completely the other way. What can we possibly come up with that can be so unhealthy, it might kill you from high cholesterol and a heart attack?"

"Um. We could sell oil shots. You know, just bottle up some frying oil after we've fried all the chickens and sell those for a buck. Chicken shots!"

"Nah, that would be just too obvious. Is there any other way to elevate your sugar and fat content until you weigh so much you need a truck to tow you from your house?"

"Well... I had a nightmare the other day".

"Go on."

"About two siamese chickens who cried cheddar cheese. It was so disgusting, I had to write it down."

"I see where you are going... AND I LIKE IT! TWO CHICKEN PIECES WITH CHEESE! Brilliant!"

"But that's not all. Let's take it up a notch. Add Bacon!"

"Lord, I'm giving you a raise!"

"The kicker is, since it has no bread, people will actually think that it's kind of healthy, you know, people just fear carbs..."

"Fucking ignorant losers. Call up the HMO's, people. We got new business for them!"

End scene.

Look. I'm certainly not the poster child for healthy living. Fuck, I don't even have my gallbladder because I ate at one time at Burger King, McDonalds, Chinese Fast Food restaurants... anything junk. But the thing is, I learned my lesson. Losing a part of my body because the way I ate made me totally rethink my eating habits. In a year, I had managed to eat my way to a whopping (no pun intended) 175 pounds, for a little woman of just 5 feet. You can imagine that shit. I was huge. And it was all just a McAttack, basically.

It took me two years to lose it all. It took a very, very VERY long time and much dedication. The thing about trying to be healthy is the choices you make daily and the true commitment you have with yourself to actually make it happen. Some people have it for a couple of weeks and forget about it. For me, it was a struggle but little by little I promised myself that I would never, ever be inside that body again. 10 years later I'm glad to report that I seldom eat at a fast food joint and that I have kept my weight.

So it angers me to the point of wanting to hit someone when I see this crap being developed. Instead of trying to make healthier choices so people can eat at their joints but not get sick, they make this crap. By making this product available and cheap, you're making people get sick, get high cholesterol, have high blood pressure and ultimately gain weight. Let's make a no calorie bun! Let's offer our burgers with low fat cheese! Oh no. That doesn't sell. Let's give them sugar, because everybody knows that high doses of it gives them a rush that they associate with us being actually flavorful food!

Kids out there, learn the lesson. Avoid this. Hungry and still have to go to Burger King? Try the Cheeseburger and divide the small fries in two, eat one part, throw out the other. McDonalds? Switch the burger for the 6 Nuggets. Just avoid the master products at all costs (Whopper, Big Mac and the latest piece of shit Double Down). There ARE many other alternatives.

Do it for you and do it for your kids. They may actually want to see and hang out with you when they are adults...

3 comments:

Joker said...

Oh don't worry, I'll offer up an explanation soon luv. I worked a Fast Food account.

Andrea Glidden said...

Y'know what? Study your shit before you post. Watch the movie "Fathead" and then report back.

Me said...

Hey Andrea, you have every right to eat whatever atrocity you want, sweetheart. This is in no way a diet blog.

Now, I have done my research. My own research, since I've lived eating fast food and I've suffered the consequences of doing it, first hand. I've talked to dieticians, Gastroenterologists and also, my father is a doctor... so I think I have a point, as a real human being.

Study MY shit before you comment, honey pie.

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