I really think this might be the most personal post that I will ever write here. But I do this because this experience needs to be shared, not only with my friends (the two or three who actually know who I really am in real life) but with you guys out there who are also my sort of internet family. I guess no one that has decided to do this truly understands how it feels - I didn't. And no one tells you, honest. So I sat down tonight because... well, at some point in your life, this is one of those "moments" that you have to choose. Either you choose to have a baby or not to. But sooner or later, life comes by and sits you down, smiles, gives you a shot of tequila and asks, plainly... wanna do it or not? Yes or no, and you have to answer now.
So that's why I write about this, because it's easy to read about being pregnant, it's easy to buy yourself a copy of What to expect when you're expecting... but there's not much conversation about the process it takes. You don't hear lots of women - even less men - talking about how it felt when they were trying to get pregnant. Yep, they talk about going to the doctor, the in vitro thing and other stuff. But the process? I've never heard someone talk about this to me like I will try to attempt in this post.
And why? Well boys and girls... because those of you out there who are taking their time and/or are not sure, this is a real life story to keep in mind. It will not be to make you choose either side. Just to help you along the way, because dammit, I would have LOVED for someone to tell me a little about this part of the "baby hunt".
So... you kind of know already the start of the story.
The conversation started almost a year ago one time when I saw a little boy at the beach. It didn't take a lot of time to finally give an answer after that. Then, we decided to start on November. After almost 15 years of pills, injections and other contraptions that avoided having children... we said, let's get it on. No pun intended.
Well, let me start by saying... this is not easy. Not easy on the body and not easy on the mind. My body is just now getting back to normal, I guess. After all those years of hormones and stuff, my body resisted the process in such a full force I actually thought it didn't share with me the wish of having a baby. My system went kaput during the holidays and it took almost three months to feel sort of normal. It didn't hurt, there was no pain involved, but I could feel my body just resisting in other ways. My best explanation that I can give is like my body was addicted to the process of avoiding me being fertile and when I told it to let go, it didn't. Lost reference? Yes. It's Lost week at WAS. LOL.
So little by little and with a lot of talking, mainly between my boyfriend, ObGyn and myself, we've been working on trying to make my body get with the program. We've had a shitload of questions, we've felt confused a number of times, but now we're learning. My body is listening to us, finally. So, in that way, I'm slowly, very slowly making some progress.
The other part, and the one that there is no medication or no doctor to help, is the mental part.
This. Has. Been. A. Roller coaster. Of. Emotions.
First of all, let me give you the "brief". We made a promise to ourselves that we would not become some baby wacko jackos who took the job as an obsession. If we were going to do this, it would be the most natural way. No dates that we have to screw, no hours, no temperatures. No pills to make me more fertile, no weird animal sacrifices to Buddha. Also, we are not going to talk about this on even a weekly basis. The only promise was no more pills and just... do it. If it happened, it happened.
The thing is... no one told me how I would feel when month after month my heart would sink a little everytime I learned that we were not preggers. The first three months, I totally got the fact that it was going to take a while because my body was AWOL. But little by little, I started wishing. We both did. And for the last few months, it has been a little bittersweet, us hugging after I read the negative tests and he smiling telling me, again and again "don't worry babe, let's keep at it". It is very hard on both our hearts. The funny thing about hope is that it can make you feel very happy and full of joy. But when it crushes you... it comes down with all its might, heading straight for your heart and perfectly tears it in two.
So. Yeah. Well, I'm late. I'm a week late. Get your tickets to the Wild and Crazy Baby Ride. Keep your belongings in a safe place. Arms inside the vehicle at all times. Do not use cameras during the ride, as they can become projectiles. Please make sure your seat belt is securely fastened. Enjoy the show!
Yeah. Now we're just waiting. We're aware of it but we're not making a huge deal about it. We've been noticing the fact that day by day nothing happens. Should we call the doc? I say not yet. He agrees. We're not sure. Ok so what do we do?
Sunday came and we decided at least one thing. This Friday, if I'm still late, we're going to get a blood test. The roller coaster is dropping one more time. Will it go up or down?
Let's see. I'll keep you posted.